Tomorrow is my birthday (huge trigger)

[Muttly]

I was pretending it was fine. And then it wasn't. in a huge way. And I am not functioning well and am having flashbacks and all sorts of stupid shit. And it just makes me mad. I don't want to be dealing with this. I want to be fine. It seems like I should be able to suck it up and enjoy the day like a normal human. Instead of this full on mess the last few days have been.

And I don't know what the point of this post is. And I'm going to cut it short in a moment because all that will come out is a ton of self-hate which isn't useful but apparently it's what I can access,

Its a freaking birthday. Actually, back it up. It's a date on a calendar. Big deal.

 

[bumbles]

Birthdays really get me down in the dumps for some reason.
Maybe try to do something nice for yourself, that you enjoy tomorrow. Even if it is something simple, you won't have to force a smile or happiness for anyone else. You deserve things you like! Even if your brain is being a :poop::poop::poop:

I hope you are able to find some peace in your head. (and happy birthday!)

 

[Missycat]

@Muttly soz to see that this is causing you distress *hugs if accepted*. As you say its a date in a calendar , if you think about it ... in another day it will be gone ! Try and do something good for yourself , something that relaxes you and will help you get through the day - i know thats sometimes much easier said than done.
Stay strong

 

[Muttly]

@bumbles & @Missycat Thank you for your reply. I work tomorrow which is fine. It will keep me busy. I am going to go to starbucks in the morning and get a free coffee before work. I'll bump into some old friends there so that will be nice. My T wanted me to have a plan for after work so I after I get home and have taken care of the animals I will take my dog up to the lake and we can walk and then I'll get ice cream maybe. Maybe not on the ice cream. I don't know.

I also drew out my next tattoo and have an appointment coming up. I'm broke, but I've been saving for a couple years. Just sticking $5 or $10 into an envelope. I had an SI slip a few months ago that left a fairly obvious scar on my arm, so this will cover that up.

I don't think relaxing is really in the cards. The last few days have been non-stop anxiety. And nightmares and hypervigilance and all that fun stuff.

 

[Missycat]

Its good that you have a plan in place ... and you should definatley have the ice cream!
And walking the dog is the best therapy ever.
I hope you are able to get through the day and be able to have some enjoyment.

 

[ILoveLife]

Your birthday should be about celebrating your existence, right?
So do something that celebrates your existence :) turn the plates around on the charge of the date.

I wish it worked, and it was my birthday instead of your.
:hug:

 

[Friday]

Would you like a new birthday?

 

[Muttly]

I decided to spent the last two days just being functional. Great, right? sure. Great.
Except that maybe I'm not ok
maybe I just pushed everything away and got through the day and now what was pushed away is threatening to crash down
or maybe I'm just whining
if I can do functional and fine than I probably am just functional and fine and sometimes just step into stupd drama.
blah
this is a stupid post

 

[Muttly]

@Friday Yes please, I want a new birthday

///

Negative thoughts- maybe the idea that I can change and heal is wrong. Something as simple as my birthday completely throws me off. Maybe

Other thoughts- my brother called and texted. The dad sent a birthday card (ugh). I have gone no contact but they pat themselves on the back and say how good they are being. That even though I'm betraying the family and selfish by going no contact they still reach out. And then they go all martyrish. Oh poor us. Look how selfish he is being. he's depriving us. I hate it. I wish the contact didn't botherr me. It bothers me less but it bothers me

and I wish I had family which is a stupid useless wish. And I do. I have my best friend. she's made me into family. for decades I've been part of their family. So why the stupid wish to have family

I've been thinking about bridges laately. I won't do it. I'm not that sui and besides, even when I've been at my worst, I've known the pets need me. But the thougths are there. the body is getting old. most of my insiders are 15 or younger. I don't feel old. it's confusing. But i am. And I'm still this stuck mess.

And this is all so negative and I know I should try to break the thought loops but I'm stuck

whine whine whine.

 

[Friday]

@Friday Yes please, I want a new birthday.

It’s really common around here for kids to celebrate on their half birthday if their birthday is in the summer ... just so that they can have a day to celebrate with their friends (during the school year, not on summer vacation with their families, etc.)... but you can pick any day of the year you wish! :D A day that’s just for you to celebrate, and enjoy, and make yours.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, I choose May 1st.

 

[somerandomguy]

A special day in world history - May Day, but more importantly, May 1 is @Muttly's birthday! That's how I'll celebrate it.