Relationship Too much to handle

[TruthSeeker]

She remembered more. She has been repressing a serious trauma that she thinks happened a year after we started dating involving rape. Some person came in to the room and interrupted the two rapists. Something about the person who interrupted the rape reminded her of this more recent event of the guy she thought she had an affair with. She knows now she never actually met this person. Just repressing and state dependent connection. She only has fragments of this. But she now knows she didn't cheat in fact she was avoiding him because of fear. We are completely together and talked a lot yesterday. She has a sense of peace because she's been struggling with this for about 6 or 7 years now. I'm glad and I'm trying to be positive for her. But now I have rage, obviously not at her at all. But I'm not okay. This happened like 24years ago. There were so many ways in the following years that affected her behavior. She had been very stable with me. So much of my life has been altered because of this incident. She kept dumping me and feeling like I'd be better off with out her. I've never felt safe. I just never really understood why so many painful events occurred in the aftermath of this event and that now makes sense. I seriously fell apart last night. I only want to hunt this person down and destroy him. 2 guys did this to my girl, my wife. They got away with it. This trauma is different than childhood trauma. She orgasmed really hard. I understand these are involuntary muscle spasms and she felt trapped and fearful. She and I had only ever been sexual with each other. I'm going to have emotional and intrusive flooding for the rest of my life. She's worried about me. She's coming home tonight. I'm glad, I need her here. Can't stop crying. I probably won't respond on here for awhile. Need to isolate a bit. I'm relieved this other obsession involving alleged cheating is done. I'm proud of her for being brave and she ran away to try to recreate the past to get to this memory. We both get it. I'm so over and anger of abandoning me. This flashback needed to come out and Wasn't going to happen here with me and the kids. Deep breaths.

Glad it is all coming together.....revenge won't make you feel better......and time will be a healer for your emotions. I'd talk this over with your T. Good luck there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You cannot take on her traumas. Doing that isn’t going to help her, or help you. It’s not possible. We cannot fix, we cannot help. We can, however, support our partners while THEY do the work they need to do.

I know as partners, we all feel rage at those who hurt the people we love. That’s natural. You can’t fall down that rabbit hole for your own mental health though.

The last thing a loving partner would want is for their significant other to be traumatized by hearing about their trauma. I know my partner worries about that a lot, and it seems like a lot of the sufferers who comment on supporter posts talk about that being a fear they have. Perhaps if you look at dialing it back as a loving act towards your wife instead of something “uncaring” on your part, it can help you ground and refocus?

 

[joeylittle]

But right now honestly I think my wife is the only person that could stop me from self destructing.

I want to encourage you to consider other sources of help. Your wife might not be the right person to be the only source of your safety. To be blunt, it could be a recipe for disaster. She's going through stuff, you're going through stuff - and it's all valid - but two people really struggling to keep their heads above water are not the best ones to also be the rescuers, if that makes sense.

I'm offering this observation out of concern, not to judge you or her.

 

[Between the Bars]

It's okay. I appreciate that. Now that she's home I feel calmer. The truth is she doesn't know a timeline and what's real and what's blending from childhood. It's something she'll have take to a specialist to help with her memories. I hadn't seen her in 40 days and I was seriously unraveling. I'm so much less angry today. Everything will be okay. Thanks for helping me. I guess I was verbally vomiting my anxiety. Definitely feel calmer! I'll probably start a diary after this for journaling the process.

Yeah, I've other support this time. I talked to my counciler on the phone before I got her, and other family members. Everyone said the same thing. I've been through alot with her over the years and for some reason the last two days were kind of a culmination breaking point for me. She's doing really well right now and thinking clearer. I'm mostly just glad she's back. This the first night I've slept sober and unmedicated since she left. Just knowing she's safe, I feel like I can breathe.

 

[TruthSeeker]

It's okay. I'm mostly just glad she's back. This the first night I've slept sober and unmedicated since she left. Just knowing she's safe, I feel like I can breathe.

Are you saying you've been drunk for 40 days since she left you.....and poof....you stop drinking when she comes home? Might want to consider working on that....cause it sounds like a dysfunctional way to cope. If she leaves again....gonna get and stay drunk till she comes back? Sounds super unhealthy. You need to take care of you.....for you.....because of you, because you deserve it, because you have worth.

 

[Between the Bars]

Not drunk. Couple beers, benydryl. Just not been sleeping great. Yeah not great coping.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’ve been seeing a counselor @Between the Bars? Is it for you personally, or like a couple’s counselor for your relationship?

 

[Between the Bars]

Me

 

[Sweetpea76]

That’s a good thing @Between the Bars. Couples counseling is great, but a lot of supporters get so wrapped up in taking care of their spouse they never think to seek help for themselves personally and separately from them. I’m glad you’re getting some outside support. It sounds like you’re completely wrung out. Are things going OK for you right now?

 

[Between the Bars]

Yeah things are really good with lots of clarity. Wife and I are best of friends again and just taking things one day at a time. Trying to have fun lots of dates romance cuddling talking. Keeping things light while processing all the new info. I have counciling tommorow. Things are looking up and absence away now makes sense. Thanks for checking on me.