Relationship Too much to handle

[Between the Bars]

I appreciate everyone's advise. Gives me somethings to think about. I don't actually think she has cheated and neither does she, not really. She thinks she slept walked as thats how it feels to her. It's been a struggle. She's always been devoted to me, and deeply connected. The time period she thinks this happened I don't think it was possible. She doesn't really have memories of this. More of a obsession fantasy of a hero saving her. During this time period 6 -9 years ago some of the amnesiac walls were breaking down and she had fragments and full memories of trauma in flashbacks. This continued for years and eventually she got to a type of healing state and leveled off. She's been increasingly stable this last year, and our relationship has been the best ever, with mutual validation and understanding. Feels like parts that have not been out have experienced their own versions of events from inside and they spill into my wife through dreams and fragments. Over a year ago we determined that most of these stories were real, but they all occurred with me. My actual experiences with her. During the time period suggested she was suicidal and having constant flashbacks, so I rarely left her side. She would dissociate in bed all weekend, and I would take care of her with ice water essential oils, anything that she found grounding. I guess that's why it's so confusing. She seems to be as confused as me. We'll get through this and truth will likely surface. She's had alot of fantasy self soothing which is fairly common for any children who suffered as she did. This was just a really confusing time for all of this. The medication she was on can also blend dreams and reality. More of a, did I dream that or did that really happen? I don't know I just try and be supportive.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Hello, welcome :)

Glad you are reaching out.

I got that combo - PTSD, D.I.D., plus some. My partner the same.

And both of us are of the opinion DID symptoms - switching, slides, reliving trauma for days on end etc - is absolutely not the other's responsibility. However caring to maybe unhealthy depths we may be otherwise.

So just wanted to add that input out there -

Other's DID symptoms are *absolutely not.* your responsibility.

Comforting and validating every moment wouldn't be your duty even if you were in literal charge of a person with D.I.D.

And been there, with well many.
Their basic health, safety, functioning, and system cooperation?

Are theirs to manage and learn skills for. Not yours.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I know it hurts. But DID is hell of a disorder and you *need* sane and normal islands, until your dear is stable enough to join you in them.

ETA @TruthSeeker, as much as I appreciate your generic point about self care to the OP, please don't spread misinformation.

DIDers aren't kids. Once making marriage vows, or taking any serious oath, physically, they are absolutely capable of upholding that vow...

And if they aren't, that's a different personal or moral problem, but not one of D.I.D.

Ronin,

I was a teacher of students (younger teens) with DID and DDNOS. They were kids.....not adults. I qualified my statement about keeping marriage vows......

Hello, welcome :)

Glad you are reaching out.

I got that combo - PTSD, D.I.D., plus some. My partner the same.

And both of us are of the opinion DID symptoms - switching, slides, reliving trauma for days on end etc - is absolutely not the other's responsibility. However caring to maybe unhealthy depths we may be otherwise.

So just wanted to add that input out there -

Other's DID symptoms are *absolutely not.* your responsibility.

Comforting and validating every moment wouldn't be your duty even if you were in literal charge of a person with D.I.D.

And been there, with well many.
Their basic health, safety, functioning, and system cooperation?

Are theirs to manage and learn skills for. Not yours.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I know it hurts. But DID is hell of a disorder and you *need* sane and normal islands, until your dear is stable enough to join you in them.

ETA @TruthSeeker, as much as I appreciate your generic point about self care to the OP, please don't spread misinformation.

DIDers aren't kids. Once making marriage vows, or taking any serious oath, physically, they are absolutely capable of upholding that vow...

And if they aren't, that's a different personal or moral problem, but not one of D.I.D.

@Ronin You said, "DIDers aren't kids"...and that's implied that their age is one of an adult..... and I agree.....but I think you misunderstood. I was telling my experience about teaching DID kids (middle schoolers)........so, yes....the DID population I referred to working with were kids and their alters........

......and no, not all DIDers are capable of upholding the vow (just like all bipolar people can't, or epileptics can't, and the label list continues.............the marriage vow is more than being sexually committed.....it involves respect, deep emotions and empathy, effectively communicating and remembering to follow through, being there when it counts, being able to be relied upon for help at critical times, and being an active and involved part of any marriage requires maintaining boundaries so the relationship is balanced....Marriage takes lots of work, consistency, stability, and maturity. I do believe some folks with DID can learn the skills and be successful parents and partners and that's why I wrote......, "As a person with DID, she may not be able to commit to keeping those vows....but with that said, I also don't know her and her alters like you do." and left room for the possibility to exist.

Lastly, everything else you said was spot on.......and spoke to the marriage vows from a different perspective.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I appreciate everyone's advise. Gives me somethings to think about. I don't actually think she has cheated and neither does she, not really. She thinks she slept walked as thats how it feels to her. It's been a struggle. She's always been devoted to me, and deeply connected. The time period she thinks this happened I don't think it was possible. She doesn't really have memories of this. More of a obsession fantasy of a hero saving her. During this time period 6 -9 years ago some of the amnesiac walls were breaking down and she had fragments and full memories of trauma in flashbacks. This continued for years and eventually she got to a type of healing state and leveled off. She's been increasingly stable this last year, and our relationship has been the best ever, with mutual validation and understanding. Feels like parts that have not been out have experienced their own versions of events from inside and they spill into my wife through dreams and fragments. Over a year ago we determined that most of these stories were real, but they all occurred with me. My actual experiences with her. During the time period suggested she was suicidal and having constant flashbacks, so I rarely left her side. She would dissociate in bed all weekend, and I would take care of her with ice water essential oils, anything that she found grounding. I guess that's why it's so confusing. She seems to be as confused as me. We'll get through this and truth will likely surface. She's had alot of fantasy self soothing which is fairly common for any children who suffered as she did. This was just a really confusing time for all of this. The medication she was on can also blend dreams and reality. More of a, did I dream that or did that really happen? I don't know I just try and be supportive.

Sounds like you are having a better day. Glad you are having periods of stability......and that overall, things are improving.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Not the time or location for pissing contests. Keep focused on the OP and the topic at hand or move along. We get enough drama at home with our own sufferers.

Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

 

[Between the Bars]

Honestly I have appreciated all the perspectives and just writing this has helped me to form the important points I needed to share with my spouse. We had some really good talks yesterday, emotional and anger coupled with clearing the air and I think we're through the worst of it. I was pretty clear about how this has been for me and how it would feel in reverse. I also really wanted her to know how much I love her and how great our lives have been together. She often feels unlovable. I tell her she is alot. I get it, it's hard for her to believe that based on her early experiences. But she does know this. I also know how she feels about me. The trauma amnesia sometimes hijacks our lives and it's hard to focus on anything good. It just wrecks me. There's more work to do on this. I'm only taking on responsibility for me, at least that's the direction I intend to head. I'm pretty sure more of the actual memories will surface as she is able to handle it. I know we're going to continue on and she's planning on returning in a couple weeks. I have this constant dual feeling of anger and compassion. Yes my feelings matter! Thank you. I really needed to rember that. I'm going to keep going to therapy and working on my own goals. Everything will be okay!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have this constant dual feeling of anger and compassion.

If it helps, you’re not the only one who feels like this sometimes. Symptomatic partners do not make for a lot of good times. Sometimes you have to hunker down behind the wall, so don’t feel bad when you need to.

Just be kind to yourself.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Honestly I have appreciated all the perspectives and just writing this has helped me to form the important points I needed to share with my spouse. We had some really good talks yesterday, emotional and anger coupled with clearing the air and I think we're through the worst of it. I was pretty clear about how this has been for me and how it would feel in reverse. I also really wanted her to know how much I love her and how great our lives have been together. She often feels unlovable. I tell her she is alot. I get it, it's hard for her to believe that based on her early experiences. But she does know this. I also know how she feels about me. The trauma amnesia sometimes hijacks our lives and it's hard to focus on anything good. It just wrecks me. There's more work to do on this. I'm only taking on responsibility for me, at least that's the direction I intend to head. I'm pretty sure more of the actual memories will surface as she is able to handle it. I know we're going to continue on and she's planning on returning in a couple weeks. I have this constant dual feeling of anger and compassion. Yes my feelings matter! Thank you. I really needed to rember that. I'm going to keep going to therapy and working on my own goals. Everything will be okay!

@Between the Bars So glad to hear that.....yes, individuals with DID can be quite loveable, and very unique and special...... and at the same time, they can create a strain relationships. Keep going to therapy.....and make sure you take care of you.

 

[Between the Bars]

She remembered more. She has been repressing a serious trauma that she thinks happened a year after we started dating involving rape. Some person came in to the room and interrupted the two rapists. Something about the person who interrupted the rape reminded her of this more recent event of the guy she thought she had an affair with. She knows now she never actually met this person. Just repressing and state dependent connection. She only has fragments of this. But she now knows she didn't cheat in fact she was avoiding him because of fear. We are completely together and talked a lot yesterday. She has a sense of peace because she's been struggling with this for about 6 or 7 years now. I'm glad and I'm trying to be positive for her. But now I have rage, obviously not at her at all. But I'm not okay. This happened like 24years ago. There were so many ways in the following years that affected her behavior. She had been very stable with me. So much of my life has been altered because of this incident. She kept dumping me and feeling like I'd be better off with out her. I've never felt safe. I just never really understood why so many painful events occurred in the aftermath of this event and that now makes sense. I seriously fell apart last night. I only want to hunt this person down and destroy him. 2 guys did this to my girl, my wife. They got away with it. This trauma is different than childhood trauma. She orgasmed really hard. I understand these are involuntary muscle spasms and she felt trapped and fearful. She and I had only ever been sexual with each other. I'm going to have emotional and intrusive flooding for the rest of my life. She's worried about me. She's coming home tonight. I'm glad, I need her here. Can't stop crying. I probably won't respond on here for awhile. Need to isolate a bit. I'm relieved this other obsession involving alleged cheating is done. I'm proud of her for being brave and she ran away to try to recreate the past to get to this memory. We both get it. I'm so over and anger of abandoning me. This flashback needed to come out and Wasn't going to happen here with me and the kids. Deep breaths.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t feel bad for taking time and processing. Your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to be angry and hurt. You’re allowed to work through this anyway you need to, and you do not have to put away your emotions, even if it sets her off.

It sounds like you’ve been dealing with an exhausting mountain of stuff out of all this for 6 or 7 years? You deserve the time to process after all that. You deserve the patience and compassion that you’ve been giving out.

 

[Survivor3]

I agree with @Sweetpea76 . You need time to heal yourself. You can't look after someone 24/7 and not have time for yourself. You'll end up imploding or exploding.

 

[Between the Bars]

Yeah she's coming home to help me. Apparently I passed out in the yard last night and on the floor. I have no memory. I mowed the lawn and woke up on the front porch by my oldest daughter. Apparently she called her mom and their worried about me. I need my wife here. I'm not just her babysitter. Maybe at of the time it's 50/50. These extreme moments when she's repressing something she'll blame her environment usually me as the cause for her feelings. She's aware and she always comes around takes ownership of her traumas. This particular memery occurred in a time period I felt so traumatic without this that I've refused to think about this time period. Because when it's excruciating. Thats without this new memory. Most of the time she grounds me and helps me to see things straight. I've never been this low. I have no idea why I would want to do anything but find this person and kill him.It's like I'll never feel anything ever again. I finally feel completely broken. Feelings are feelings I know this will pass. But right now honestly I think my wife is the only person that could stop me from self destructing. So thank Christ she's flying back. I can't live with these new memories. It's too much. I've gotten a lot of this shit over the years but this one is the worst. Thank you for your responses. I'm a very rational person. And know one matters to me more than my wife. That's why this hard.

 

[Survivor3]

Your obviously very devoted. All the best to you. S3. At least you can vent on here.