Dom Violence Toxic future in law?

[Raj]

I recently asked my son to let please me know what disease his ex prostitute fiancee has. We have breathing issues and a daughter with poor immunity. I had to ask him on Facebook (I deleted post as soon as he responded), without using persons name, as he would not talk over phone. He wants to stay and or visit us with her, within the next month. Since asking him about this, his future mother in-law is saying she'll "show up and get my wife when she is least expecting it, she should look out!". She also stated nothing wrong with daughter being drunk at bars underage, while swearing and attacking us for making son go to counseling when he abused siblings as teen. What would you do? Maybe restraining order?

Raj

I believe son will show up unannounced with fiancé.

 

[Raj]

My wife has all threats of harm in messenger app, from son future in-law.

Raj

 

[Kintsugi]

Why won't he talk over the phone?

It sounds like there's an insane level of disrespect going on. Why not just tell him he can't visit unless he discloses whatever information you want to know? Or tell him that she's not welcome in your home?

 

[Neverthesame]

What would happen if you don't open the door when they show up?

If they aren't invited or welcome, you have no obligation to let them in. What about this former prostitute? Is she carrying a transmittable disease that could affect the child with the immune deficiency?
I don't care that the woman was a prostitute, she could be a Harvard graduate. If it was my child with the immune deficiency, she wouldn't be stepping one foot in my house. If keeping her out isn't an option for some unfathomable reason, I'd be taking the kid and booking a hotel room to wait out the germ warfare bollocks. Kids are more important than forced family togetherness.

Even if she isn't a walking plague, there's still the matter of her mother.
She has been repeatedly threatening your wife?
She's going to bushwhack her the instant her back is turned?
Nope! f*ck you bitch. No f*cking way.

Send my wife anymore threats. I call the police. Show up at my door ever, for any reason. I call the police.

Restraining order sounds like a good idea. I think you should look into that.
These people's behaviour is totally unacceptable. You may one day have to call them in-laws, but you never have to call them guests in your home.

 

[Kintsugi]

These people's behaviour is totally unacceptable. You may one day have to call them in-laws, but you never have to call them guests in your home.

Hit the nail on the head.

 

[Raj]

My son's not allowed his own phone, or car. He pays these for fiancee. He works sixty to seventy hours in construction, but can't have a phone! We have told him to not come, especially since we can't know about disease that requires monthly checkup. He's barged into house before, smokes mor marijuana than anyone I've ever heard of. I won't force wife to get restraining g order but told her she may want to.

Raj

 

[Sideways]

If she's having monthly checks it may well be that she's still working.

Personally I think the std thing is a red-herring. It's an incredibly personal question to ask, even if she were family. She's not only NOT family (from her perspective, her medical conditions are none of your business), but she's a threat to your family. In a lot of ways that seem to be incredibly serious.

Someone making threats like that? Wouldn't be allowed into my home. Period.

The boundaries here are all over the shop though. It's going to be confusing for your son to be hearing on the one hand that he's welcome, but that conditional on him coughing up his partner's personal medical details, but that he may not be welcome at all.

I think asking the question on Facebook was probly out of line. Before considering restraining orders, how about working out where your boundaries are, and then communicating them not just in an assertive (non-aggressive) way, but also communicating them consistently. It would be very confusing I think for anyone to have their parents asking publicly about their partners medical conditions, only to realise that the same parents were actually saying "You're not welcome in our home".

 

[Neverthesame]

@Ragdoll Circus I agree with you, mostly. Though I think given the sons refusal to speak over the phone, the more public method wasn't too out of line. Where it not a small child's health possibly at stake, added with the son's adamant insistence on bringing her along against his parents clearly expressed wishes.
I wouldn't feel great about it, but I wouldn't be above doing something similar, were I in Raj's shoes.

I also couldn't imagine bringing someone into my parents home that could make someone sick.
I wouldn't dream of bringing someone who threatened to assault my mother.

I don't know if this means I have good or bad parents, but I know if I was behaving like that, my parents would tell me to stay away from them until I grow up and learn some respect.

I like to think I have good parents. Not perfect by any means, but they would never tolerate me acting like this young man is.

I do agree with your more tempered stance on the possibility of filing a restraining order. Communication would be a better place to start with laying boundaries, than bold action would be.

 

[Sideways]

@Neverthesame - I do think that messenger or email would have been more appropriate.

If someone posted on my Facebook something along the lines of "Ehat diseases does your boyfriend have?", I'd be horrified, he'd be utterly humiliated, and suddenly all of my friends have been brought into a very private conversation.

If he fails to reply to emails, with a health risk like that you simply wouldn't let the person past the front door until you were sure it was safe.

Either way, I think when there's such deep animosity and blatant threats being used, getting the medical all-clear is really the least of the issues. It sounds like a situation where letting him and his partner come and visit is going to be unsafe, if not with overt physical violence, certainly in other ways. So, medical clearance or not, it's not ideal to expose the daughter to that in the family home. From the post, it really does sound like the level of animosity is the real issue.

 

[EveHarrington]

One word.

Boundaries.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Ragdoll Circus I agree, email or messenger would be preferable.

I do also agree that the medical issue pales in light of the threats to his wife. I shouldn't be harping on it. I think it's the possible risk to the other child that's got me overly focused on it.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just assumed the OP was using messenger to ask that question. It never occurred to me that it was a more public platform.