Urge To Cut

[Bookoffee]

Today I took out my plastic plane model I have been working on. I would use finer nail clippers to cut the plastic pieces off. I finally broke down and bought a scalpel.

I still haven't opened it. Today I am struggling with the urge to use it. Just that thought of it is so satisfying. The imagines are over clouding.

 

[Heather]

All I have to say is: DON'T DO IT. Return the scalpel and get your money back. I use to be a cutter and I have scars all over my arms. Try to find another way to deal with what you are feeling.

You may have heard this before but if you want to feel pain fill a bowl with ice water and submerge your hand in it. YOU will feel PAIN. And you don't have to bleed to do it.

I wish you the best in dealing with this. I know the feelings can be very overwhelming but you need to develop better coping skills. I say this with love.

Hugs.

Heather

 

[Jnean]

hello I feel your pain and I am sorry. Is there anything you've done that can help you get through the urge like use markers or draw something beautiful or write words you like? I don't know if you've already tried or would want to but that's helped me in the past. Its tough. I also try to just occupy my brain with hobbies but in your case it sounds like it could end up keeping you from this hobby so maybe stick to what you used to use and with that much temptation put the tempting tool i will call it away for a while longer maybe.

 

[Bookoffee]

I haven't cut but the urge is there. My wife is making matters much worse.

When will it end? I was not meant to be on this earth. I just want it to end now.

 

[Jnean]

hey bookoffee maybe reach out to a hotline to get you through this rough time. Find some privacy and make the call before you hurt yourself please bookoffee. You do belong here. You are important even if you can't feel that right now, it's okay even if that's hard to believe, you can get through this and I dont even know you but feel that way. Give it a try. Reach out to a crisis hotline, they are anonymous, and they are well trained.

 

[Bookoffee]

I finally broke down and talked last night. I am seeing my therapist at 4 today.

 

[Jnean]

thinking about you

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you. I am feeling much better. We agreed that I would throw the sceptle away and go back to the clippers. I had myself so freaked out about using and cutting that now I can't find it to throw it out.

I was going to give it to my wife to throw out. We did have dinner together tonight and had a nice understanding and listened to each other. It was releasing.

I will see my therapist again on Friday and he just emailed me to.check in.

I think I have surpassed the urg.

Thank you.

 

[Jnean]

good to hear. Hugs if you accept!

 

[void]

Thank you. I am feeling much better. We agreed that I would throw the sceptle away and go back to the...

@Bookoffee

Now that the potential crisis is over, you have the opportunity to find out WHY you had the urge in the first place.

The urge to cut may well return unless you open yourself to finding the source of the urge.

In my experience, the urge to cut happens when a person refuses to feel an emotion or to face an overwhelming issue.

Can you identify this within yourself?

 

[Bookoffee]

WHY you had the urge in the first place.

A week or so ago, my mother called me after no communication for about 5 years. Then my brother, sister, nephew. I haven't talked with them even longer. My mother told me that she would like to work on our relationship and be a part f each other life and is willing to go to therapy to help me. At the same time she is living with my brother and he is overwhelmed and she is driving him crazy. She has already lived with my other siblings and they have all kicked her out due to her behavior. I had lived with her while her husband was dying (who was verbally abusive to me and threaten my life). I stayed with her through the ending of his life and until she sold their house, found a different place and seemed settled in. Now I am wondering the only reason she called me was because she needs a place to live. She never calls me when we have been separated for years. She always involves someone else.

We agreed with therapy and I set up a session with her. I have been going through my medical records that I can confront her with. My doctor as a child give me my complete record documentations when he retired in the mid 90s. The records go back to 1978 when I was three and the first entry is about suspected sexual abuse, then details of founding of sexual and physical abuse.

I want to show her the evidence and the truth and see if she will still protect my abusers, which one of them is still alive. When I was living with my mother my abuser (oldest brother) was talking with y other brother abut how he was written up for sexual content and they were laughing how the boss made it disappear and how women are always accusing men of abuse. The next thing I know, he had pack up his family and move to a different state. He had once told me that he had prayed to God to help him though his lust of women and God answered him y sending more women his way to tempt and test him. I was in my late teens early twenties when he said this. I think of all the women he violated and I just sit here and allow it to happen.

Back to my mother, I will be seeing her and be in the same room for the first time on Monday. My wife thinks it is a bad idea to approach her with the medical records. I should stop with the past and try and work on moving forward.

I am showing my therapist my medical records on Friday and talk about how I should handle my session with my mother on Monday.