Venting About My Mom. I Need Some Supportive Words Or Advice Please.

[ashdawn8287]

So I really hate to say this but I don't like being around my mom. Her moods affect me, she doesn't really do anything and never really has, I am not proud of her, I don't see how I am her daughter. Her mind set is so screwed up I just don't understand her. She has her sweet moments, but growing up was hell with her, I am just being honest and stating the facts. She is manipulative, she lies, she only thinks about herself, she is not emotional supportive, she cusses at me and everything is wrong. We never did any mother or daughter activities that I craved as a kid and still do now. No shopping or getting nails done or whatever mom and daughters do, I still dont know but I always craved a real motherly figure. She is VERY defensive, everything sets here off, especially little things.

She surrounds herself with people that justify her actions or she just entirely lies about the situation making herself look like an angel. She takes everything personal, everyone is out to get her. She does nothing to help herself either, so I don't really feel bad for her but I feel terrible guilt because her mothering makes me feel like an awful daughter. She brings out the ugliest side of me and honestly makes me feel horrible about myself.

Well this is very minor but I asked her if she could do a favor, I don't know why I even bothered because she screams at me if I ask for anything or makes it known that it is a HUGE inconvenience to her, which of course makes me feel bad because I am super sensitive. Well surprisingly she said yes but she took forever to respond so
I just figured based on past experience that she was just ignoring me, it's typical for her to ignore me. So I asked my friend and of course my friend came right over to help. So I texted my mom and said never mind. Well she ended up showing up after I had left with my friend.

I apologized and said sorry for the misunderstanding. I even tried calling her like 3 times to make sure she wasn't going to god forbid go out of her way. Now she is punishing me by ignoring me and I just honestly feel like crap. It's all these old feelings. It makes me feel like nobody cares about me but I know in reality I have surrounded myself with really nice caring people. So it's a conflict.

It just makes me a little sad and feel a little bad that I cannot have the relationship I want with her. I honestly just feel numb towards her and my dad only, but it turns into a self issue when she ignores me because I have issues about being ignored or not heard, probably because I was ignored as a child or not taking seriously.

I dont know. I am trying not to let this ruin my day because I had a really good day. It just really sucks.

 

[therisa]

Ashdawn, I can understand some of the issues, which you have mentioned, concerning your mom. I wish I had the one answer fits all, but I don't. My mom is very much like your's, but the transphobia has made the situation, toxic, for me. I know this is a very drastic solution to your problem, but you may have to cut her, out of your life, to heal, until you are stronger, to handle her. Sadly, I had to tell my own mom, this very solution, to my problems. I hope things work out, between the two of you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are we sisters?!?

My mom is pretty much the same way. I ended up shutting her out of my life. It was for the best. I had to get some stuff from her house last week and I've felt horrible ever since---waking up anxious, not wanting to do anything, isolating, etc. Now I'm back to kicking her out of my life again. I'll feel better soon enough, hopefully.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Therisa (I love typing your name and saying it by the way) I have drastically cut her out but it seems I always run to here when im desperate its a toxic habit that always ends the same. My therapist told me to cut her out but I have an 8 year old neice whom I just adore and I will not leave her to her own devices with my family. I teach her the coping skills my family never taught me, that's really important to me. My mom stalks my sister and neice so its hard to get away, but our relationship is def strained and distant.

I can't leave my poor dad alone either. After his cancer and how my mom treats him, I just can't do that to him. She constantly calls him ignorant names therisa it isn't right at all. My sweet dad can't stand up to her. I understand why he left the country for a year and came back now. I was selfishly mad at him because he left me alone with my evil mom and sister.

I am sorry your mother is transphobic. I can't wait until I am a mom. That kid is going to get every last ounce of love because of mothers like yours and mine.

Haha maybe we are cousin solace!! :) yes, cut her out of your life. I struggle with guilt for doing that because my purpose is to help not hurt others and I know the distance hurts her, but it is her fault.

Dang crazy moms!

 

[nomedic1]

We are here for you ash, vent. And remember you are a strong,independent women.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you nomedic that is sweet and helps knowing you guys are here.

 

[Rumors]

Sorry to ask, but what is transphobic? I am usually behind the 8 ball on most things and it seems this too!

 

[DMerish]

Transphobic refers to someone who is uncomfortable or has strong opinions against trans-gendered individuals.

Hi Ashdawn,

Reading your post troubled me because it was filled with a lot of conflict, and you sounded like you’re in a really awkward, difficult spot.

Do you have a theory about why your mom behaves the way she does? I don’t want to be intrusive. Of course, you don’t have to answer, but I’ve gone back and read about some things that have happened to you, and I’m trying to get a bit more of a picture of her, your mom, in the hope that I might provide some insight. Also, I wonder if you could describe what a “real motherly figure” would be/do in your mind.

I’m a mom with four grown children, have mild/moderate PTSD, and I’m a supporter/carer for my 30y/o daughter who has severe PTSD from a violent traumatic event. What you feel comfortable in sharing might help me in my efforts to be a better mom to my daughter as well.

(((hugs)))
Drew

 

[ashdawn8287]

Rumors- my father is transgendered and I have seen first hand how transphobia can be violent, mean, and cruel because of him. The ignorance really bawfls me. Don't feel left out! Im glad you cared enough to ask!

Dmerish- I know a lot about my moms background. She grew up poor with 11 brothers and sisters. Most of which have mental issues. She was molested and bullied. She brought my sister and I around the uncle who molested her when we were. Children. I know when I was little she was unstable and went out drinking a lot. My dad made her go see a doctor for it. She stopped going. I am pretty sure she has ptsd and it is part of why my sister and I both gave it. Im not sure if she was young and careless or what. She is motivated by material things. She feels guilty after she behaves this way it that way. The screaming at me, taking it out on me as a child was difficult. She is easily upset and stressed. I just emotionally can't subject myself to that anymore. She refuses help.


A motherly figure to me speaks kindly and protects you, they don't take you around the guy who molested you. I just cannot fathom that and it gets worse the older I get. They are emotionally available and when you cry they don't yell at you but comfort you.

 

[ashdawn8287]

And they have your best interest at heart, not selfish motives.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I don't mind I am an open book lol. Ask me anything. Im pretty resilient these days.

My mom doesn't care I have ptsd and is very ignorant and judgemental. My dad cares but we only communicate through email because I can't even talk to my dad without her getting mad. She has control issues. Jealousy issues. I really don't know it is very complex.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Also I am sorry about your daughter. Very glad you care so much about your role as a mom.

Sorry for all the post I am on my phone and it is screwy.

Also, my mom expects me to be her support with her marriage and life. I can't handle that when I need support too. She with holds love if im not there for her or kindly ask her to stop because it upsets me. She constantly puts my dad down about the transgendered stuff and it makes me angry. She comes to me and puts him down. When she knows very well I stand up for my dad.