Venting About My Mom. I Need Some Supportive Words Or Advice Please.

[wicked child]

So I really hate to say this but I don't like being around my mom. .

Get you toxic mom out of your life !

Use email to stay in contact with your dad. Perhaps invite him around for socials. But this might cause problems for him. She might even punish him for doing that.

I feel sorry for your mom too. I don't think I could help her. She sounds almost as bad as mine.

 

[Tanishq]

I am hoping I meet someone on my journey that will be the kind of person I look up to and follow, like a mom.

Me,too ashdawn BB. We will make it there. Your post made me feel good and thank you for HUGE hug. :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

We are programmed to want that motherly love, so when we can't get it,

In my case that has been very different. I always found mother figure great. Always believed true mother is greatest friend I can have.

 

[Britt.f7]

My mother and I had a very rough relationship while I was growing up. In my twenties I started to distance myself from her. I realized, with the help of a therapist, that she wasn't necessarily going to change and that I couldn't make her. I could only change my actions around her. More and more I stood up to her. I stayed away when she "misbehaved". Our relationship became better when I had children. I had my boundaries set. I think that is very hard to do because no matter how old you are you get caught up in past behaviors and responses. I had to make sure I didn't respond in my old ways.

I have compassion for your mom for what she went through. This doesn't mean I think what she is doing to you is acceptable. I know my mom comes from a different generation that believes they deal with things(by not really dealing with them) and that everything is "fine". I could tell by her behavior that she didn't really deal with things and everything was not fine. Unfortunately she did not see this. Something I had to accept because you can't make people see things you don't.

As far as bringing you around that Uncle, I know that is hard to understand. When I asked a therapist why my mom picked out and abusive sitter for us, she said she went with what she knew. Not that she intentionally said hey that person is abusive I'll hire her, but that she felt some sort of comfort with her. Sad, but I get it.

Now, for raising my children...I try not to repeat patterns. My kids didn't grow up wondering if they were loved. I am not perfect and the times that have been questionable, we have talked about ever since they were little guys. Mommy, me, admitted when she wasn't well behaved, when she flew off the handle. It didn't happen often, but it happened. The thing is I never led my children to believe my behavior was their fault.

Your mother, as my mother, could have made a choice to be better but they stuck with what they knew. They locked themselves in. You can still have a relationship with your mother but it has to be on your terms. That is going to cause a lot of upheavals. I know it did with my mom. My children had a relationship with my mom because I didn't want my relationship with her to be theirs. Does that make any sense? My burdens or pains were not going to be theirs. I guess, I didn't have the same relationship with my grandma that my mom did. I look at it that way. Not to say I wasn't hyper-vigilant in making sure they were treated well. Same with my dad. They get to choose their relationships, but I am and have been their protector. Thankfully they've seen that.

In the end you have to decide what it is worth to you to maintain a relationship with her. Boundaries are important. Getting her to treat you like an adult is going to be difficult. Not feeling like the child you once were is going to be difficult. I know, I've been there. I decided to keep my relationship with my mom, but it was on my terms. Sounds harsh, doesn't it?

My mom died two years ago and I miss her tremendously. I never thought I would be able to say that, but her death caused me grief beyond belief.

 

[wicked child]

but her death caused me grief beyond belief.

The grief beyond belief happen several years before her death.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I threw myself into my sofa and sobbed for a long time. I didn't know why I was so upset. But it came to me in time. It was at that moment that I finally saw, that there was absolutely nothing that I could do to changed anything. She just didn’t like, or love me. And never had.

Strangely I was 40 years old at the time, and had hidden from this right up until then.

 

[Abstract]

Ashdawn,
I was just reading your first post again. Do you think she might have a personality disorder? Do you now if she was ever diagnosed when she saw the dr? I am assuming her abuse remains untreated which is both sad and worrying.

but that she felt some sort of comfort with her.

Sorry it was like this Britt. Just checking something: do you mean that your mother knew that the babysister had abused someone else before she hired her? I understand it would be hard to accept even if she didn't. Ashdawns mother letting her have contact with someone that she was abused by is hard to understand.

You can still have a relationship with your mother but it has to be on your terms. That is going to cause a lot of upheavals.

I totally agree and this is what I have done as well. My mother is not problematic to the point where I need to break contact entirely (although I certainly wonder sometimes) but I needed to be realistic and lay down very solid boundaries. For example she knows I will not continue talking to her on the phone if she starts undermining me. I don't argue at all. She knows very specifically what I won't engage in so I will just calmly say, "You know I am not willing to listen if you start along that track. I am going to hang up now and we can speak another time". I just don't give it any energy or fuel.

It was at that moment that I finally saw, that there was absolutely nothing that I could do to changed anything. She just didn’t like, or love me. And never had.

That is very sad and I think that is exactly the type of mourning I was talking about. Some who have had abusive parents go through when they do actually die. Because they are loosing the possibility of ever getting that mother or father in their lives that would have liked. Every child deserves to feel safe and be loved.

 

[Britt.f7]

do you mean that your mother knew that the babysister had abused someone else before she hired her?

No, I don't think she knew. I think she picked them because their vibe, or their answers, were a familiar feeling to her. There are people I don't, or wouldn't, leave my kids with when they were younger, just because of that same vibe. One was my father. I could do it with my mom, but only because I knew more of what to expect, what to do, and I knew, by this time she would honor my feelings.

I've seen a lot of times where people who were abused put their kids around the same abusers. Chances are others knew she was abused, but said nothing and allowed it to continue. Then she or he go around the same person because of various broken thinking in their reasoning. Doesn't make it right or acceptable by any means.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for answering Britt. You explained that well. And I do understand that familarity. I have done that in my own life - with me.

because of various broken thinking in their reasoning

And often I agree that this is what it is about. There might be cases where it is vindictive but often I believe it is just that there is almost a broken part of the thinking process and they are not able to think things through properly.

For some, depending on the situation, they may have been so surrounded by abnormal conditions that they think these things are "normal".

 

[DMerish]

That is very sad and I think that is exactly the type of mourning I was talking about. Some who have had abusive parents go through . . . because they are loosing the possibility of ever getting that mother or father . . .

I think it is more than "never getting that mother figure" - becuase one can get a mother or father figure, i.e. someone that models the behavior of a caring, loving, supportive, older person with whom you have shard interests.

When my mother died, we didn't have much of a relationship. And I had been prepared for her death for a long time before it happened. But I think, at least for me, the deep, deep grief that I felt after she died was due to the realization that I no longer had an opportunity to reconcile my relationship with her while she was living.

 

[Abstract]

Its possible my experience is closer to yours than it may have seemed from what I wrote. When my father died the predominant emotion was relief and lightness and freedom (it took a long time to have the courage to admit that and I still cringe). But there was grief and I have to admit it was a bit of a surprise and I was very grateful and relieved to feel it. My sister didn't feel any and was envious of me being able to. I was also ashamed of the relief and found the freedom more than a little frightening. A little like I would imagine a domesticated bird would feel if let free.

Thinking later I realised a lot of the grief was the loss of ever being able to get the type of relationship I would have wanted. Reconciliation was impossible anyway because of who he was but there is that hidden fantasy there that isn't always evident. Death is the final confrontation of that fantasy or it was for me. I imagine it would be different if reconciliation and reciprocal caring was a possibility.

 

[Philippa]

In my case that has been very different. I always found mother figure great. Always believed true mother is greatest friend I can have.

I don't think your case is all that different Jaret. You call it the belief that a true mother is the greatest friend you can have...others call it programmed conditioned reflex. It doesn't matter what you call it, everyone has that very primal need for a comforting mother. When we have such a strong urge, and then it is denied, the only possible outcome is misery and neediness, and it is cruel to have such a strong desire in you and to then be denied that in reality.

I get the urge to go running back to my mother all the time, even though I know in reality she hasn't changed and would be as hurtful and dysfunctional as ever, if I were to give her the chance to be. It's not that your mother is unwilling to care and love you Jaret...she just probably hasn't been shown HOW to love or care for anyone else, given that no one ever loved, or comforted her when she was a child either. You're the victim of a victim...like most of us are.

People have children mainly because they are programmed to have children. Society tells them it's just what people do when they get to be a certain age, and that is what life is about...no one mentioned to them that babies are actually REAL people with feelings and needs. Most people, when they have kids have no idea what they are in for, or how to go about being parents...they just do their best...and often their best falls woefully sure of adequate. It is never satisfying to me to hear anyone say that..."they did their best" Yeah, yeah...I know ok...but their best wasn't good enough!

 

[Tanishq]

she just probably hasn't been shown HOW to love or care for anyone else, given that no one ever loved, or comforted her when she was a child either.

Philippa, I think my mom has received so much love that she always demands so much love. When her mother comes here, she receives lot of love and care. Also she asks for lot of attention,too. she loves and talks freely to my sibling and dad. It is just me who she doesn't prefer to talk. I am very well aware, I am not muscular man. I am skinnier and she wanted a muscular boy who obey her blindly. Support her whatever she wants, but no guarantee she will help me or not. Being skinnier and having physical defective is the reason she never took interest in me. It has never happened to me that she sat next to me and discussed with me. She talks with everyone except me. I never think and also will never try to go back to her. I am done making efforts to reach her and every time getting rejected.

no one mentioned to them that babies are actually REAL people with feelings and needs.

So true.

t is never satisfying to me to hear anyone say that..."they did their best" Yeah, yeah...I know ok...but their best wasn't good enough!

Philippa, They are so blinded by their selfish that they can't even measure their action is good or not.