Venting About My Mom. I Need Some Supportive Words Or Advice Please.

[Philippa]

Philippa, I think my mom has received so much love that she always demands so much love. When her mother comes here, she receives lot of love and care. Also she asks for lot of attention,too. she loves and talks freely to my sibling and dad. It is just me who she doesn't prefer to talk.

It does sound like she singles you out with the way she behaves. I guess my usual thought when I hear about people whose parents don't show them any care or love, is to revert to thinking that the parents don't know how to give these things. It sounds like your mother is not one of those parents, but since most parents from their generation did not receive the most adequate love and care, even if they did have loving parents, it can be hard to tell these days.

I am very well aware, I am not muscular man. I am skinnier and she wanted a muscular boy who obey her blindly. Support her whatever she wants, but no guarantee she will help me or not. Being skinnier and having physical defective is the reason she never took interest in me.

I felt that way at times with my own mother. There was something about me that just rubbed her the wrong way. It may not have even be anything about me as a person, but she saw things in me that she didn't like and decided she didn't like me. I've always felt rejected by her, more and more in recent years. It never stops me wanting to get sucked back into it all again for the promise of her comfort, so I know how all-encompassing it can be.

It has never happened to me that she sat next to me and discussed with me. She talks with everyone except me. I never think and also will never try to go back to her. I am done making efforts to reach her and every time getting rejected.

Wow, she really makes sure you know that you aren't wanted, even to talk to.

Philippa, They are so blinded by their selfish that they can't even measure their action is good or not.

It sounds like it.

 

[Tanishq]

There was something about me that just rubbed her the wrong way. It may not have even be anything about me as a person, but she saw things in me that she didn't like and decided she didn't like me. I've always felt rejected by her, more and more in recent years.

This could be the reason. Very cruel of them.

Last time I wanted to talk with her was many years ago, don't remember. but I really stopped going to her having expectation to get to talk with her. No chance of being rejected again.

 

[Philippa]

I don't know if it is cruel though. I mean...not everyone has to like us, and we don't have to like everyone. It would be nice if my mother liked me, but I guess I've had many years to accept that she doesn't, and I came to realize that I don't actually like her very much either, so it goes both ways.

When mothers reject us though, it can feel cruel because they are supposed to love us and show us warmth and comfort, but they aren't obliged to like us...at least not all the time. And people can be annoying...very, very annoying. I don't like the feeling that I've annoyed someone...and I experienced that recently during my trip overseas, where I clashed somewhat with one of the women, who has aspergers syndrome, and was staying next to my bungalow.

But it happens, and it doesn't mean it's anything to do with the person being rejected. Sometimes rejection is a good thing, as it frees both parties up to find more compatible vibrations to be near. On a subtle level, our personal frequencies and vibrations that we emit at every moment, along with everything else vibrating in the universe, are pivotal in choosing who is right for us to be in the company of, and who isn't good for us....sometimes we clash with certain people, so it's better not to be around them...and it isn't personal.

I guess that's just the way I think about it, and I know I'm rambling on about it at this point, and I'm sorry if I've derailed the thread ashdawn.

I don't think it's realistic to expect everyone to like us in this life, or to like everyone else just to spare their feelings being hurt. It's ok to reject someone if you don't like them...but rejection does hurt, and from a parent it is ten thousand times more painful...so I can empathize with your situation Jaret.

 

[circe47]

Ashdawn-

I can relate as my mom shares similar traits to yours. It doesn't matter to a child how badly a parent behaves, there will always be a part that loves and needs a mother's love very, very much. As parents ourselves, it is hard to understand not playing with, reading to, and comforting the hurts of our own children. As such, it is hard to accept that being deprived of these things was abusive and neglectful and we tend to have a strong desire to change what is wrong so that nobody has to suffer dysfunction within our families of origin.

I have not gotten to the point of cutting my mother out. There are so many times she says a careless thing, but there are also times when I think I am getting through. My last conversation was rather productive towards the end. This keeps me hanging on. I also understand that she has yet to accept that she was neglected. She keeps putting herself in her mother's shoes and giving grams a "free pass" for having to raise two kids on a 7th grade education, with a mentally ill addicted father. Until she accepts how badly she was herself hurt, it is going to be very hard for her to accept my point of view and thus help me to move on. I keep trying, however, and probably always will because I love my mother and want a good relationship with her.

 

[-Artemis]

I personally think that sometimes people with PTSD are more vulnerable with narcisistic people and we tend to attract them - or in your case, can't get them out of your life. (my case too). It's good you vent here. Have you ever thought about seeking another person out to be your "mom models"?? I found some other both mom and dad models that help with filling up that hole in my heart that needed a mom and dad. I found some of mine in the oddest places - like a clay pottery guild I started going to (I suck at throwing pottery, but not the point) - a camp for adults I started going to - a nurse - a yoga teacher. It's like when I started finding these people - who were about the right age to be a mom or dad for me... I instantly started feeling better - I would go out of my way to get a smile or praise from them - I still do and don't feel bad about it either. I bring them soap I made, or bracelets, or volunteer my time in these places. And because they are gentle, loving souls - they didn't mind giving me a smile or hug. It seems so weird to get this love that has no manipulation, no guilt, no pain that goes with it. It made it way easier to deal with my family, who I can't get away from either.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Ash. I know you posted this awhile ago . . .

It might interest you...google search "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"

There is a site with traits and characteristics. Let me know your thoughts after you read up on it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I often tell people that my mother is color blind. And for years I kept trying to get her to appreciate the rainbow.

I know what that yearning feels like.

Understand that she needs you...not the other way around. That has been THE toughest part--trying to learn to mother myself.

 

[Philippa]

StrongerNow, I know what you mean with your last statement.

It can be hard to stay focused on what I know to be a healthier route, by learning to mother myself, when I feel those strings being pulled internally, emotionally, like she is calling me from afar to come and be wrapped in her arms and receive her warm hugs and all the yearning of that comfort.

Even though rationally and sanely I know she is bad for me, that still doesn't stop the urge to run back to her at times, in the hope that she will be different and give me what I need. Giving that to myself now is what I really do need.

 

[Tanishq]

Understand that she needs you...not the other way around. That has been THE toughest part--trying to learn to mother myself.

I always felt that way with my mother. But felt like impossible to do. Eventually I could never help her. When I was kid, she was expecting me to understand her without saying a word from her side. It also explained that why she never preferred to talk with me because she thought I am small. She thought I am useless for her.

How can you help someone when you need the help most and also you are just new(child) to this world.

 

[Powder]

I slowly over many years had to cut off contact with every member of my original family. For ten years I grieved the loss of them, but they are so toxic to be around I had to choose my own family and let my nuclear family go their own way.

Gizmo,
I wish I could like your message 120 times, one time per month during which you grieved. Huge respect for you, as I am on year 2.5. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

OXOXO Muse

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Muse, you are so welcome. I am trying to surround myself with positive people who are safe. I do not want anymore drama in my life. Life is a journey for me and it involves so many changes. I have to continually adjust to the changes and accept what is without any expectations. Thank you so much for what you said to me.

I encourage you not to give up. You are so worth to take such good care of yourself. Hugs.