Relationship Vet accuses me of cheating

[anonymous]

Sigh! So lately he has repeatedly accused me of cheating on him. I'm not. I can't tell you how much of a kick in the guts it feels like. I have devoted my life to this man for 4 years. Naturally, I deny it and he doesn't believe me. Any ideas on how to respond?

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry, no ideas, just sending :hug: to you.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You notice quite often when people do this to there partner they are actually the one that's cheated. I'm still don't mean to be Debbie downer but that's sometimes the case. Not always obviously and if he's being paranoid about other stuff it's probably just paranoia.

Don't put up with it part of being in a relationship is trusting someone. Explain how it makes you feel and say your not cheating. He needs to accept that and trust you. You want to be with him and you won't have this conversation again. If he brings it up again leave the room don't engage or debate. You don't need to defend yourself all the time.

This shit very quickly becomes controlling behaviour soon you'll be letting him look through you phone just to get him to stfu about it. or putting find my phone apps on your phone so he knows where you are 24/7 (honestly I've seen thishappen to someone).

He either trusts and believes you or he doesn't. It's not your place to talk him down and fix his cognitive distortions for him. I mean don't do that thing people sometimes do to make partners crazy by sorta making them think something might be going on to make them jealous or anything. But don't pander to it. You're answered the question you shouldn't have to answer it again and again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Being accused of doing something shady is infuriating, especially when he should know your personality and integrity by now! :mad:

Mine gets paranoid like that at times too. I told him he could follow me, go through my phone, or look in my hamper anytime. Knock yourself out buckaroo. I'm not doing anything and I've got nothing to hide. I don't think there is much you can do once they get that distorted cognition in their heads except wait for them to work through it.

 

[Friday]

If you haven't told him about your activity here on the forum?

$1 gets you $50 that's what he's noticed. Cleared browser history, tilted screens, stories that are almost but not entirely ringing true, being in a better mood than he expected &/or recovering sooner after a blowup, other small changes in behavior that relate to secret keeping, etc.

Hypervig.

Totally misses out on the tornado lifting the house up and shaking it, and narrows in on... Are those the new pipes I told you not to get last year? :O_o: ((Noooooooo. But the *tornado* has removed the metal cleaner that was sitting next to them. :banghead: ))

 

[anonymous]

He doesn't know about the forum but I don't think that's the issue. I've been on the forum for years and only ever access it from work.

Its in relation to one particular man. A mate of his. Also a veteran with PTSD. Old mate made the mistake of saying something to my vet along the line of "Man, she's awesome. Wish I had a woman like her in my life. Damn, you're lucky!" and ever since my veteran keeps accuses me of having feelings for this guy. Meanwhile, in my head I'm thinking - "Are you f*cking serious? If things go pear-shaped with us Buddy I wouldn't touch another veteran with a barge pole!"

I have done NOTHING to encourage this guy or indicate that I am interested in him. This has happened before. Any time a man shows any level of interest in me that my vet is aware of he attacks me. Meanwhile, he has women giving him their phone numbers all the time. (He is always super respectful of me and will point me out to them if I am nearby and I am not at all concerned that he is cheating on me.) I never say a word - its not his fault.

The whole situation just sucks.

 

[dulcia]

Meanwhile, in my head I'm thinking - "Are you f*cking serious? If things go pear-shaped with us Buddy I wouldn't touch another veteran with a barge pole!"

Yesss! :joyful:

 

[The Albatross]

Cue up the Kink's Destroyer and loop it giving him ugly looks. (Paranoia big destroyaaaahhhhhhh...) ?

 

[Snowflakes]

Mine has done that repeatedly for years. Trying to defend yourself against an accusation that is totally unfounded is a serious blow to the trust that should exist in a loving relationship. I have learned that there is no "excuse" one can give for that behavior. Some deal like sweetpea76 does.....let it roll off your back till they get over it or like our therapist told my sufferer: "Why do you live with someone who you believe is a cheat? If you believe it, leave him" Well....she did and all of a sudden is starting to think that perhaps it was all in her head.

The point being, my sufferer wasn't about to change so I did. Your first post asked for ideas on how to respond. In my case, I no longer respond. I know I am honest and faithful. I need not prove my loyalty to someone who should know better, PTSD notwithstanding.

 

[A13]

I get this too. My vet was cheated on by his last long-term partner. Which is why I think he is like that. I remind him I'm not her and have no interest in cheating on him. It happened between my parents and ruined our little family, so Cheating is a no-no for me yet it still crosses his mind.
It begins to get a bit sole destroying that you put 100% into someone and they can't even give you their trust. I was wondering is there anything that would help this. Should I consider speaking to someone, together to try and address it. Reassuring him clearly isn't enough.
It's so hard to hear it when you know you aren't!!

Big Hugs your way!!