TigerLilly
New Here
Wow, this forum has given me so much information. I started out looking for support as a spouse of a PTSD combat vet. However, I am coming to understand there are so many different causes of PTSD, and learning that I suffer from it as well.
To rewind a bit, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My parents fought alot, and my mother became an alcoholic. I went through many traumas growing up. I can remember being very small and looking out the window pane in my pj's asking "Daddy why can't I go with Mommy?" as she had too much to drink, and after fighting with my dad, had taken the car keys and was madly driving up and down the dirt road. I remember my dad calling the authorities and telling them she had gone crazy. I also remember their fights, my dad had a terrible temper and when she drank it drove him crazy. He would throw things in the house, break things and they would yell and scream at each other and he even hit her sometimes.
When I was only 13, my sister died in a car wreck. My mom's drinking got out of control, and my dad's anger grew worse than before. My dad took a shot gun and was going to kill her. I was in my bedroom with the door open and could see him pacing back and forth in the hallway, she had locked herself in the bathroom as she did many times when they were fighting. We had replaced more than one door. He was crying and struggling with himself saying I can't do this, I can't take this anymore. I got out of bed and intervened. By the grace of God I talked some since into him, and he put the shotgun up but took a pistol and left the house. Later that night, he came back and sat outside in his truck struggling with suicide. I remember laying in bed and praying to God to stop the self destruction.
Because of the unstable home life, I attached to all my relationships I had in my life. I smothered those around me, just looking for love and affection. I ended up marrying the wrong person because I wanted out of the house so bad, and his family seemed so loving and welcoming. Later I came to realize I had married a "fake image" a family that only pretended to be something they weren't. I had two children from that marriage and suffered more issues because he cheated on me more than once. My self esteem was low, there were times I prayed to God to just take me and end the suffering and the hurt. God found me in my lowest place and he delivered me from the terrible marriage.
It was a year after that that I met my husband. He had been in the army and on three past deployments. When I met him, he was only sleeping maybe 2 hours a night and his anxiety was off the chain. He told me he had been struggling with PTSD but it was way better now than it had been. He won't even talk about those times, because it brings back too many bad memories. We desperately needed each other! His wife had cheated on him when he was deployed and had let his house go and all his belongings, he came back to no place to live and a broken home. He then entered into another terrible relationship and had just ended it when we met. He clinged to me in the beginning and acted as though he was afraid to lose me. I didn't fully understand what PTSD was about and what it meant. He was very attentive to me, always telling me how he felt about me, how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me.
After we got married, he was insanely jealous if anyone looked at me wrong. He would chew me out for something that didn't even seem to exist. I never flirted with anyone or did anything wrong, but he acted like I did. I found him talking to another woman from work about a month after we married. He had her number under a guy's name in his phone, I just happened to see a text come in and read it, and asked him about it. He was honest about who it was, but this was a girl at work that he had already shared with me that she was sleeping with other married men at work. I asked him how was I supposed to trust him when he was hiding her conversations in his phone under some other name. I didn't understand why he couldn't just be honest and tell me they were friends. This sent me into a tail spin. I became insanely jealous if he even looked at another women (my own ptsd issues and insecurity coming into play and I didn't even know it). I began to look for everything to be wrong and if anything seemed out of place or looked bad, I questioned him constantly.
During the first half year to a year of our marriage, he almost left me probably 5 times. He also stopped the intimacy. It ceased soon after our first big blow up. Now, even with things getting better as we come to understand eachother better, we still go for months with no intimacy. There are times I slip into a deep depression from feeling alone and unwanted. I don't have those issues, I have in the past, but I let all my walls down for him and gave him my everything. He honestly is and will be my one true love. It became something more to me than just an act, it became all of me, and now I have to hold back and wait, hoping the opportunity will come around again.
I realize now after going through this forum and reading other people's stories, that I have my own issues to overcome, as well as supporting my husband with his challenges he faces. I understand a little better why I reacted the way I did early in our marriage, and why he acted the way he did. There are times I have wondered if he even really loves me. He would always say, I'm here with you aren't I? And now I understand how much that means, that he is still here....as running away seems to be a normal occurrence with PTSD sufferers. So just the fact that he has not left me, and we are doing pretty good besides the intimacy really helps me.
I see my issues are 1. from my past experiences, I need extra love and affection to feel safe. 2. My husband has trouble connecting with his feelings and emotions so he lacks in that area, but I have to learn to not take it personal. 3. I have to keep communication open with him.
Where do I go from here....? Is it possible to get intimacy back in my marriage...? How do I address it with him without making him feel like he's under a microscope or being pressured into doing anything? I have been rejected so many times, I stopped trying. ???
To rewind a bit, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My parents fought alot, and my mother became an alcoholic. I went through many traumas growing up. I can remember being very small and looking out the window pane in my pj's asking "Daddy why can't I go with Mommy?" as she had too much to drink, and after fighting with my dad, had taken the car keys and was madly driving up and down the dirt road. I remember my dad calling the authorities and telling them she had gone crazy. I also remember their fights, my dad had a terrible temper and when she drank it drove him crazy. He would throw things in the house, break things and they would yell and scream at each other and he even hit her sometimes.
When I was only 13, my sister died in a car wreck. My mom's drinking got out of control, and my dad's anger grew worse than before. My dad took a shot gun and was going to kill her. I was in my bedroom with the door open and could see him pacing back and forth in the hallway, she had locked herself in the bathroom as she did many times when they were fighting. We had replaced more than one door. He was crying and struggling with himself saying I can't do this, I can't take this anymore. I got out of bed and intervened. By the grace of God I talked some since into him, and he put the shotgun up but took a pistol and left the house. Later that night, he came back and sat outside in his truck struggling with suicide. I remember laying in bed and praying to God to stop the self destruction.
Because of the unstable home life, I attached to all my relationships I had in my life. I smothered those around me, just looking for love and affection. I ended up marrying the wrong person because I wanted out of the house so bad, and his family seemed so loving and welcoming. Later I came to realize I had married a "fake image" a family that only pretended to be something they weren't. I had two children from that marriage and suffered more issues because he cheated on me more than once. My self esteem was low, there were times I prayed to God to just take me and end the suffering and the hurt. God found me in my lowest place and he delivered me from the terrible marriage.
It was a year after that that I met my husband. He had been in the army and on three past deployments. When I met him, he was only sleeping maybe 2 hours a night and his anxiety was off the chain. He told me he had been struggling with PTSD but it was way better now than it had been. He won't even talk about those times, because it brings back too many bad memories. We desperately needed each other! His wife had cheated on him when he was deployed and had let his house go and all his belongings, he came back to no place to live and a broken home. He then entered into another terrible relationship and had just ended it when we met. He clinged to me in the beginning and acted as though he was afraid to lose me. I didn't fully understand what PTSD was about and what it meant. He was very attentive to me, always telling me how he felt about me, how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me.
After we got married, he was insanely jealous if anyone looked at me wrong. He would chew me out for something that didn't even seem to exist. I never flirted with anyone or did anything wrong, but he acted like I did. I found him talking to another woman from work about a month after we married. He had her number under a guy's name in his phone, I just happened to see a text come in and read it, and asked him about it. He was honest about who it was, but this was a girl at work that he had already shared with me that she was sleeping with other married men at work. I asked him how was I supposed to trust him when he was hiding her conversations in his phone under some other name. I didn't understand why he couldn't just be honest and tell me they were friends. This sent me into a tail spin. I became insanely jealous if he even looked at another women (my own ptsd issues and insecurity coming into play and I didn't even know it). I began to look for everything to be wrong and if anything seemed out of place or looked bad, I questioned him constantly.
During the first half year to a year of our marriage, he almost left me probably 5 times. He also stopped the intimacy. It ceased soon after our first big blow up. Now, even with things getting better as we come to understand eachother better, we still go for months with no intimacy. There are times I slip into a deep depression from feeling alone and unwanted. I don't have those issues, I have in the past, but I let all my walls down for him and gave him my everything. He honestly is and will be my one true love. It became something more to me than just an act, it became all of me, and now I have to hold back and wait, hoping the opportunity will come around again.
I realize now after going through this forum and reading other people's stories, that I have my own issues to overcome, as well as supporting my husband with his challenges he faces. I understand a little better why I reacted the way I did early in our marriage, and why he acted the way he did. There are times I have wondered if he even really loves me. He would always say, I'm here with you aren't I? And now I understand how much that means, that he is still here....as running away seems to be a normal occurrence with PTSD sufferers. So just the fact that he has not left me, and we are doing pretty good besides the intimacy really helps me.
I see my issues are 1. from my past experiences, I need extra love and affection to feel safe. 2. My husband has trouble connecting with his feelings and emotions so he lacks in that area, but I have to learn to not take it personal. 3. I have to keep communication open with him.
Where do I go from here....? Is it possible to get intimacy back in my marriage...? How do I address it with him without making him feel like he's under a microscope or being pressured into doing anything? I have been rejected so many times, I stopped trying. ???
