General What are they thinking?

[Livinginhope]

I get both sides of this. Choosing to be a supporter.....also should have some boundaries.....and because you are a supporter.....it doesn't feel good to get trashed on by a sufferer.....but with that said, it is not controlled or intentional in most cases. Sometimes, leaving in my car, for a day was the only way I could get grounded, the only way I could find my breath, the only way I could make sense of things.....isolation is safe and my car, nature, ...and my camera...always a way to find my way back from an overwhelming situation....to a place I could think......Also, it was important not wanting anyone to know what I was going thru because it can be a crazy feeling in the moment......And at those times, I was not able to process my own feelings.....much less worry about emotional fall out.....or anyone else's feelings. In that moment, where life is overwhelming and trauma is doing it's dance in my head, or it feels unsafe or a reliving of the past, there were times that there was no room for a supporter.....there was no room for anyone else. How do you say this to a supporter.....you don't. You just leave. As things got better.....my ability to express my needs improved.....and then some friendship rules were kinda agreed upon.....will text where I am when I cool off......will let the person know I'm okay.
I'm fortunate, my friend.....doesn't take it personally and just gives me space when that's all she can do.....and now.....It got much better over time......

Thank you @TruthSeeker This really helps me at the moment.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Like others I want to thank you for doing more than someone without this trigger to support others. You deserve to be commended for this.

I really hope it gets a little easier for you with exposure , but I am sad you have to put yourself through it. You rock for your perseverance.

Yeah...the mask makes it really hard for me too-way too confining-borderline claustrophobic feeling, and because I'm very hard of hearing, it creates another issue-excessive stress in trying to comprehend what other people are saying.....I can't read their lips.....doctors and nurses get irritated in having to repeat themselves.

 

[joeylittle]

I like to compare it with wearing a bra. Wearing a bra is far more discomfortable then wearing a mask. At least for me. Yet, society expects us to wear one and do we hold anti-bra-rallies? No, we don’t.

Well, in the US, we held quite a lot of them.

The parallel between protesters burning their draft cards and women burning their bras were encouraged by organizers...The phrase became headline material and was quickly associated with women who chose to go braless. Feminism and "bra-burning" then became linked in popular culture.

The bra-burning trope echoed an earlier generation of feminists who called for burning corsets as a step toward liberation. In 1873 Elizabeth Stuart Phelps Ward wrote: "Burn up the corsets! ... No, nor do you save the whalebones, you will never need whalebones again. Make a bonfire of the cruel steels that have lorded it over your thorax and abdomens for so many years and heave a sigh of relief, for your emancipation I assure you, from this moment has begun."

(both from this article on the Miss America protest, US, 1968)

I'm just offering this as an example of how Americans often associate bodily autonomy with freedom. It's a thing here.

 

[Freida]

I'm just offering this as an example of how Americans often associate bodily autonomy with freedom. It's a thing here.

I had never thought of this but you are right! :laugh:

 

[Freida]

A note on ghosting.

I'm doing it right now.
I know I"m doing it, I can see it, I know it's probably not healthy, I know it's hard on my supporters.
But
I have zero desire to stop it.

I've shut down facebook, messenger, insta, all of it
I've blown off volunteering, meetings, plans with others
Thinking of how it affects those around me is just beyond me.
I know I should care
But nope.
I'm way to overwhelmed right now by my own drama

I think my supporters have been around long enough to figure it out
They know it's not about them
But I have a couple new friends that haven't seen it before
And I have no energy to explain it.
So I've just bailed
On pretty much everything

That's why they call it ghosting.
Here one minute
gone the next.

Just more fun filled ptsd crap.

 

[TruthSeeker]

A note on ghosting.

I'm doing it right now.
I know I"m doing it, I can see it, I know it's probably not healthy, I know it's hard on my supporters.
But
I have zero desire to stop it.

I've shut down facebook, messenger, insta, all of it
I've blown off volunteering, meetings, plans with others
Thinking of how it affects those around me is just beyond me.
I know I should care
But nope.
I'm way to overwhelmed right now by my own drama

I think my supporters have been around long enough to figure it out
They know it's not about them
But I have a couple new friends that haven't seen it before
And I have no energy to explain it.
So I've just bailed
On pretty much everything

That's why they call it ghosting.
Here one minute
gone the next.
Just more fun filled ptsd crap.

@Freida Sorry you aren't feeling it....You gave significant thought, energy, and time defending your own ghosting of supporters and friends in this thread....and had time and energy to explain why you ghosted people....you could have spent less energy sending a short text to friends/supporters who try to care about you saying you are taking a "me break", you are okay, just taking space for yourself. I get being so upset in a day from crisis or a drama, I don't contact my best friend and I usually hear about it...nicely. I don't understand ghosting long-term.......it is alienating..and only feeds into the PTSD isolation.....and for what it's worth.....being on the other end of ghosting creates worry or concern......and do it long enough.....might make supporters realize the relationship isn't both ways....
I don't like leaving anyone else on the end of my crazy train when I'm symptomatic....I just ask for space......

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A note on ghosting.

I'm doing it right now.

Yep, me too!

And personally, a note to supporters is too much for me. I just have to go. To get out. I can't even formate thoughts to even say "I'm taking a break" or whatever. I just have to get out and do so without saying anything.

I suppose that's why most are gone. They couldn't handle that but thats how my brain functions.

 

[Sideways]

People who deserve to matter? Will understand if or when you are able to say, quite simply, "I haven't been well".

 

[Freida]

ou could have spent less energy sending a short text to friends/supporters who try to care about you saying you are taking a "me break", you are okay, just taking space for yourself. I

This is kind of the point.
I can talk all about it -- when I'm not in the middle of it

But when it hits?
It hits hard and fast
And all the logic goes out the window
It's about saving me - not worrying about their feelings.

 

[Freida]

My sister and nephew are moving in with us this weekend.
Her landlord raised her rent and she can't pay it. Ya. Middle of a pandemic and they raised her rent almost $400.
So. Here they are for the time being.

Just as I head into my bad months.
Which are starting earlier than they should.
And it's worse earlier than it should be

She knows things get bad for me and nephew (he's 11) and I have talked about how I got hurt a long time ago and that's why I sometimes get cranky and don't come to visit as much.

But this will be the first time that anyone but hubby has been around me every day.
Every. Single.Day

Hubby and I have talked and talked...and talked about it. How I was going to handle it. How they will handle it.
But there are no good answers.

isolation is my go-to
it always has been
It's the only way to not be a raving bitch
I can hide in my room, I'll be gone a couple times, I can pretend when I'm around them
Until I cant.
And no...showing them how I feel or letting them in isnt an option
There's a reason I isolate
Because I can be horrible
Or I'm a zombie.

but if them being here means I'm forced to bottle it up?
ya....I can't allow myself to even think about how badly that's gonna go

Every. Single. Day.
And I'm already spiralling.

Crap.

 

[Freida]

Funny.... I just went back thru this thread from the beginning and damn. While I am so much better in some ways, in other ways in still struggling with the same ole same ole. Just before I wrote that I had finished booking my Feb runaway. Januarys was booked weeks ago. So ya...still do that

And I still don't have the air raid sirens under control
Sigh.

 

[Friday]

but if them being here means I'm forced to bottle it up?
ya....I can't allow myself to even think about how badly that's gonna go

Every. Single. Day.
And I'm already spiralling

Remember... living with people is massively different from visiting people.

I’ve been doing a lot of living with people (I miss the WTF-Face!) the past few years; and whilst there are some people I live easily & well with (like a stick sliding into water), and others I don’t (beat the water with a stick! Light it on fire! Beat it some more!! More power! More fire!!) <cough> No matter what, it’s still very very different living/visiting.

The beginning is always the hardest...

- if you have a cache of emergency meds? Break them out, before you need them.

- But the single most important thing I’ve learned? Pick 2 or 3 favorite routines, and carve those motherf*ckers in stone. They are yours, and yours alone, and come hell or high water they just happen. For me, those are almost always isolationist routines. Pool/Gym, gun range, drives to music, reading/writing, coffee, etc. (you may notice there are more than 2-3 here. That’s because what gets carved in stone varies depending on where I am and who I’m “with”. Adults? I don’t like walking with, but kids I do. Shrug. No particular reason. (Except maybe that kids are an awesome excuse to dash around singing the mission impossible soundtrack and NOT look crazy at the same time ;)

- Then pick a few others that you’re not as attached to and alter them to include people. (That’s how I learned to “like” cooking, by the by. I don’t actually like cooking. At all. But come to find I LOVE the organized chaos of a kitchen full of people talking, and laughing, and burning shit, and having a beer. 20 some odd years of cooking, and whilst I’m good at it? I still hate doing it. Unless my kitchen is full of people. Grownups, kids, dogs, music, pros & burn water types. All good.

After a brief adjustment period (most) people figure out really quickly when you’re “on” & “off”. Friday’s smoking on the deck? TheKiddo is always welcome / greeted with smiles (only because he both knows & respects timeouts / If I tell him I’m taking a timeout? He smiles & scoots, with no hurt feelings), as is TheCat... but every other motherf*cker better stay out of sight. Because yo is HOVERING if I can see you, and no. Go away. Don’t even THINK in this direction. I can feel you thinking. Basta. Nyet. Nope. Bye bye. I love you, now GO.

You’ve deployed, so you KNOW you can live/work with people in your pocket and STILL find peace & alone time... even when you’re nuts to butts. It’s a similar sort of thing. There’s the space you create mentally... but being a civvie there’s also physical space you create (and then cement into routine, that no one questions or breeches).