General What Can I Expect Now?

[70Times7]

My wife and I have been married for 37 years. Maybe 10 years after we married, I learned that she had been sexually abused by her grandfather and great uncle as a child. About the same time, I craved the affection that my wife was not able to share even though she was usually loving and kind. I had a brief affair, then learned what the marriage commitment is, confessed the affair and she forgave me.

About 18 months ago, we became empty nesters and my wife seems stuck on not being able to get over the affair. She has become less and less functional in daily activities. She is getting lost in familiar places and having panic attacks. She got incresingly irritable and starting threatening divroce at the drop of a hat.

She was diagnosed with PTSD about 6 months and now bipolar disorder in the past month. In mid-December, she started therapy for the childhood trauma. She became so agitated in the days following the start of the therapy that she stopped sleeping and taking her anti-depressants. The psychotic meltdown came Christmas eve when she annouced that she was moving out of the house the day after Christmas to get in a peaceful environment. She said just being around me was causing her stress. She stated she would work with the therapist to try and save the marriage, but could not see how that was going to happen.

Her mental state declined to where she was not sleeping, eating or medicating and was admitted for 6 days of inpatient treatment. She has been out a week, but won't talk with me. She does allow me to text her.

Is there someone who has a similar experience who can clue me in as to what to expect in the months ahead? What should do/not do besides try and take care of me? I have been seeing a counseor for about 5 months to learn how to cope with her erratic behavior, but until I found this site over the weekend, I really didn't know what PTSD was or that there were other care givers with similar experiances.

 

[Estacia]

I do not have issues of affairs in my marriage. However, I have issues from the crap I had to deal with from my husband's mental issues. I get easily nervous and frustrated around him. I understand the affair happpened a very long time ago but PTSD kicks in on PTSD's terms not hers. I am sorry that you are going through this rough time.

 

[kabeh394]

From my understanding, and in my experience, her trauma issues are coming to the surface, whatever she did or didn't process about the affair is probably coming to the surface, shes on "sensory overload", meaning shes feeling everything, and its all spewing out. I can't tell you what to expect except that you should have no expectations, you should continue therapy for you, and patience is key, this part is kinda ugly, I overreacted, it did not go well for me!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am just guessing but it seems to me that when you guys became empty nesters it was the trauma that triggered her for everything to surface. It sounds like she lost her ability to cope.

I am so sad that you are going through this with your wife now. I am really glad you are in therapy to help you to sort things out for yourself. I wish you the best in this situation. Please take good care of yourself and rebuild a life for yourself. I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you.

Mabe your wife repressed so many of her feelings and with the empty house they surfaced. I hope she will hit bottom soon so she will be motivated to reach out for some real help.

Meanwhile keep on taking really good care of you. I wish you well in your healing process.

 

[safenow]

shes on "sensory overload", meaning shes feeling everything, and its all spewing out

I agree with this. It happens to us all when therapy is delving into the bad stuff. And I also agree with gizmo, that empty nester thingy can really hit hard. I remember after my children were kidnapped, I hated the silence. It drove me right up a wall. It's been since 1965 and I've only just barely gotten used to the quiet. Over the years since then, I've always had to have some type of sound in the places I've lived. The only time I can handle the quiet is when I'm outdoors. Like when I go to the mountains, because that quiet has sounds that comfort me. I hope this makes sense to you.

empty nesters it was the trauma that triggered her for everything to surface. It sounds like she lost her ability to cope.

Be sure to take good care of yourself. I believe that things will work out in the long run as long as she puts forth the effort in therapy.

 

[Toria]

If it helps, my mum had a major breakdown (she has Bi Polar) when I got married. I'd been moved out of home for nearly 10 years so still can't quite figure why it was the marriage that caused it. She simply said she thought she'd never see me again. But there she was when we got back from honeymoon - right back at square one. I don't think she has the most progressive doctor in the world and as such they see keeping her quite heavily medicated as being the "easy option" - at least that's the way I look at it.

Wishing you the best of luck...

 

[Sing2me]

Maybe for starters quit viewing her leaving as a psychotic breakdown. Her "forgiving" you was probably nothing more than repressing emotions and now they are on the surface. If you are to understand anything at all you must first understand that sufferes deal with delayed reactions to trauma. And as I have been cheated on it is VERY traumatic. That one person in the world that took a VOW to be faithful and trustworthy( it is different then immediate family. Blood is supposed too. Your spouse not only chose too but swore too as well. Before you, the world, and God).

All of her symptoms sound like the unraveling of deeply burried scars. And while they may sound crazy because they are not her normal reactions and decisions she is NOT being crazy. She is trying to quit HURTING. I don't mean to be unkind but her grandfather, uncle, and yes, you, have broken her heart. Her leaving but willing to still try is saying a lot. Don't listen to words but read her actions. She misses you or wouldn't let you text. Your presence and voice hurt. How long are you able to hurt before wanting to turn off the pain? Anger is so much easier to deal with. Having been through your situation but on the opposite side my advice is respect her wishes. Forcing yourself on her is showing you don't respect her requests and that your worried about you not her. Remind her you care and dont minimize what you've done in the past. It is in the past, true, but PTSD is a chemical imbalance that can leave you there like it is still happening. Her knowing how sorry you are and that you aren't dismissing and letting her vent will allow her physical and emotional state to meet and realize the danger is no longer present. To understand what she needs you must understand what PTSD actually is.

What to expect in the future is a lot of back and forth until she can come to grips with a lot of her emotions and realization of what she's been through because she is PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY still there. It is a battle in her mind seeing the difference in what is now and what her brain is perceiving as being now. The best thing my husband did during that time is constantly reminding me that he wants me to vent to him. To unleash the silent rage and confusion in my head to let him carry them. I refused for awhile or didn't respond but constantly thought about it. It meant a lot he WANTED to listen. And never, never, never call her psychotic, crazy or stupid. I can't stress that enough. Because if you do an INSTANT wall will form between you and her and she will resent you for saying it.

 

[70Times7]

Cherokee,
Thank you for the feedback. Her psychiatrist is the one who diagnosed her as bipolar adn showing psychotic tendencies. I would never call her crazy or psychotic. That would serve no purpose.

We met for coffee today and I got to talk with her for the first time in about a month. I can sense the emotional turmoil inside her, but she wants nothing to do with me. I would do anything to lessen her pain and will remember what your husband did for you. I hope and pray that she doesn't divorce me before I have that chance. She seems highly motivated in that direction at the moment.

 

[Sing2me]

The good news is so was I. But he was still able to change my mind so there is hope for you yet:). How long and often throughout your relationship has she shown psychotic tendencies? Because if this has only been the last couple months-years then I stand by what said earlier. She is trying to adjust to all these emotions that have bombarded her at once and gain some stability. It is always unsettling to be diagnosed with a mental disorder. It changes the way people ,and even yourself, perceive you. You become defined by a label and are constantly second guessed.

 

[70Times7]

Hope is so the word that I am clinging to. The panic attacks first happened about 18 months ago. She was diagnosed with major depression, PTSD and ADHD about a year ago. The psychotic stuff has happened twice in the past 6 months when she has become sleep-deprived.The Bi-polar diagnosis just happened in the last month following sleep deprivation, telling people she was homeless because I had keeped her out of the house (she had moved out on her own), deciding that I had secret swiss bank accounts which led to $50,000 in compulsive spending in January and starving herself.

I have no idea what is the cause and what are the effects when it comes to her behavior, I just want to see her happy and healthy. I know that she is hurting and wants the hurting to stop. She seems to have convinced herself that if she can push me away, that the hurting will stop.

She has told her lawyer and doctors that she feels physically threatened by me due to a sprained wrist that she hurt when the kids and I intervened to get her to the hospital in January. I have never physically attacked her. She bolted for the door with the car keys when the cops were on the way to the house to take her to the hospital. I grabbed the strap on her pocketbook and she pulled back hard enough to sprain her wrist.

I understand her need for stability right now. Do I just need to give her some time and space to settle down? Is there anything that I can say to reassure her? She wants us to sell the house because she says that she is never moving back in and has retained an attorney, so I am feeling some time pressure.

 

[Sing2me]

Honestly the only advice I can give is to radiate stability, comfort, and safety. How you are to do that depends on what she perceives to be as such. While you do need to give her her space there are going to be times that she pretends that's what she wants when she is testing you to reach out. Tricky huh. Your going to have to trust your instincts on how well you know your wife and not second guess yourself. And you could remind her that decisions you make from here on out will also have to include your kids well being because this has to be heart breaking for them, regardless of age. As a mother that should mean something.

 

[70Times7]

I am thanking you through my tears.

I am trying to give her space but reassure her when there is contact without overstepping her boundaries. I am trying to not push her as her anxiety level around me is pretty high. She abruptly left our Starbucks meeeting yesterday.

It is tricky as she is saying some hurtful things that I need to not react to. The emotional wounding makes it harder to keep my calm, objective game face on. But I am learning. Thank you for helping me see things from her perspective.