What Did Your "denial" Look Like And How Did You Overcome It?

[Abstract]

Thank you!

something was afoot down under

I know what you mean by this even though I would have denied it at the time or not understood.

I want to get another T since mine had a nervous breakdown or something. He really turned into a terrifying hostile SOB at the and that I know something huge happened to change him.

Oh. I am so very sorry. :( Truly. That must be awful to have someone change and act out. It is a such a powerful relationship and we are very vulnerable in it. It is also very powerful in how much it can help I think and I hope you manage to try again.

Could I ask are you experiencing denial that trauma happened and that you have PTSD? Do you sometimes know and sometimes doubt?

Thanks for asking this. It is probably good to answer. I am not sure where denial starts, dissociation takes over or any number of other possibilities such as minimisation etc. All I know is that I quite literally feel insane about this and it is the biggest block to getting better. Even more than my quite crazy reactions to therapy in some respects as it affects doing every single thing to do with getting better even out of therapy.

It has improved a lot over the last 6 months thank goodness but is still a nightmare.

In the past I never ever thought that trauma was part of my life and the idea of the word or PTSD would have had me laugh out loud. I was furious with my last long term therapist for trying to imply that I needed to discuss one incident she knew about. I had zero doubt in my mind that it had not affected me at all.

Then things PTSD related slid down the hill very sharply at the same time as I had started working on awareness, being present and getting to a recovered place with my eating disorder and there was no longer any way I could totally look past it. Tiny bit by bit my experiences filtered through into awareness and helped by others pointing things out to me.

From then on it was as if a monster was let loose. For every moment of self awareness there is a backlash that is intense. It involves total belief that I am lying, inability to tell what is true and not, extreme self abuse I seem not able to have control over, internal invalidation and undermining that feels totally out of my control and overwhelming, It's like there are three things going on all the time. Some awareness, total denial if that is what it is, self abuse and invalidation/self shaming.

I have done affirmations and work on critical thinking in the past and I can't put this into words but these experiences are different to anything I have experienced before all this and isn't helped by any of the things that did in the past.

I take a little step and the cycle kicks in. I have to manage it and re group. And so the cycle goes on. Half the time I don't think I have PTSD or trauma in my life. I go from thinking I am truly crazy to thinking I am fine and there is nothing wrong at all. Six months ago it was so intense I would not have been able to write this. The battle manifests itself physically at its worst.

I have seen others say they deny that they have PTSD or trauma after being diagnosed and wondered what that looked like for them. I am interested in anything related to denial or PTSD or trauma.

Hoping that I will pick up tips too.

 

[Abstract]

Taking a break but will be back so thanks for all answers! :)

 

[Hashi]

For when you're back:

I've done a lot of processing saying that I think I'm making it all up. I put all sorts of disclaimers at the beginning and end of the therapy session, or even just my own journalling, that I think I'm deluded about it etc, but in the middle of that I talk about it as if it really happened.

I put that in the present tense but really it should be past tense because - after nearly four years of therapy - I'm finally at the point where I don't need to any more. But for those four years it's how I've done most of my therapy. Saying, "I don't believe this is true but..." then talk about it as if it's true, then at the end say again that even though I talked about it I still think I made it up.

I also had to "act as if it was true" in terms of always doing lot of grounding and work on safety.

I can't think of any way to make that sound less weird! It was the only way I could have therapy while I had so much doubt and disbelief.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Denial is similar to dissociation in that it is the inability to be in the present moment and accept the present moment, whatever it may be.

I had a number of tough love moments. One doctor told me that I had to face the truth that I needed medication and take it as prescribed or I would never get better. This is when I was only diagnosed with depression. My mind said "holy *beeping* *beep* I don't want to end up like my mother! Better take the meds! They helped.

Then when I was diagnosed, I had more of the same. Lots of tough love moments. Did I want to get better or did I want to lose my freedom, family, so on and so forth?

If I was coddled, I would have gotten nowhere.

Denial is safe. I think that's why many make it a permanent residence. But in the end you're living a lie. It's a false sense of security.

It boils down to pushing yourself. Many don't know they're living in denial. You do. You've got to figure out a way to push through the denial. I don't think we can tell you exactly how as we're all different. Instead of playing it safe, push through the anxiety. You're terrified of feelings, so figure out a way to FEEL. Feelings won't kill you. And if it gets bad, just remember this too shall pass. Keep pushing forward; it's the only way out.

Yeah this may sound overly simplified, but maybe you're envisioning it as some huge scary monster in you're head when it really isn't as bad as you think it is?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi!
Thanks. It really helps to hear people describe something similar. A little more arsenal against the you-are-deluded camp.

What I mean is, for example, after the adult trauma I had no idea anything had happened. Other people could see my injuries and I couldn't. When I looked at myself, I looked perfectly normal. My brain edited out what everyone else could see. When I was forced to see, I was amazed but then I immediately squashed my own amazement and came up with explanations.

I understand this. It's weird to look back on and consider isn't it?

With other things, when anything broke through the denial I thought I was lying about anything having happened

Yes.

The balance of that gradually shifted from mostly not believing to mostly believing

There is a constant shifting for me. It is improving quite a lot although I usually still feel hopeless. Six or so months ago it was truly awful. It's hard to express how crazy it got. I was literally having physical fights with myself. Writing as if it is true would have resulted in me not being safe not that long ago.

I started thinking that I was genuine but it still wasn't true, because I was delusional.

This is a big one and has been for a while. I have to say that if I am honest I truly think there is a good chance this is true. There are a lot of things that match. I can honestly say that I find this stuff torturous. I don't think any other symptom causes me more grief. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Because I am fighting myself so hard. Whatever the truth is.

I knew that I wouldn't be shaking and nauseous talking about something in therapy if it wasn't true. I knew I couldn't post in online forums about how something felt if I didn't know how it felt. I knew I wasn't making up the reactions. PTSD symptoms helped me in that way too - I knew the symptoms were real.

This honestly has been one of the only things tethering me down. Other than a part of me that harms me if I start withdrawing totally. Unfortunately a lot of the time this one doesn't work. I can still have a flashback and fifteen minutes later totally believe I made it up, am delusional, have factitious disorder etc. I can be shaking and not believe I am shaking. :wacky: Seriously it is quite frankly nuts. As for the forum - factitious disorder, psychosis! ;)

disclaimers at the beginning and end of the therapy session, or even just my own journalling, t

I think if I could actually say this to a therapist it would help me (when I get there :rolleyes:). Even just once. I tried so hard to just tell the last one I didn't believe it. Just one sentence. But wasn't able to. Totally dissociated and no ability to speak. So infuriating. So much self hatred at the powerlessness of it all. If I could somehow get into therapy and have this conversation and have them help me I think I would have some hope of finding a way forward. If they don't lock me up for being crazy that is! This instinctive pathological fear of giving any information about myself and the way it is manifested (dissociation and no speech) is a huge hurdle and I have to get past it. I am about a hundred times better than I was which is ironic. In the past I would just have said how fine I was.

I don't believe this is true but..." then talk about it as if it's true, then at the end say again that even though I talked about it I still think I made it up.

This isn't weird at all!! To me ;) Thank you. This is exactly what I do. Its very hard to concentrate on anything while I write as the voice in my head and self abuse is awful and gets worse and more persistent the more I say. Afterwards it continues again, badly. It's so tiring. If I pull away entirely then there is a different type of backlash. This is by far the worst part. Much more debilitating than the general denial or self hatred.

There has to be just enough belief to even plan to approach it this way of course. That evades me at times.

I also had to "act as if it was true" in terms of always doing lot of grounding and work on safety.

Yes. All this is very familiar.

Sorry for the essay....

PS. I found a great source about terminology to do with what we were both asking, but lost it when my computer went down!

 

[Abstract]

Working my way down through peoples sharings. Thank you.

Just going to get this down while I have the nerve. I am seriously wondering if I am a bit psychotic. This fear has become much worse recently. I see the signs. I have also had hallucinations briefly in the past. I look at some of my concentration problems and how disorganised my thinking is at times and that links in too.

This fighting with myself is so all consuming when it happens. It's not DID as I don't have that. The only other possibility that I have found is some sort of introject. I don't fully understand the concept but some of it matches really well. Sometimes I think this part of me is trying to protect me and it thinks any means is OK. Sometimes I just think it likes torturing and demeaning me. None of the ways I dealt with self critical thinking in the past work with this.

With this I can only think that I am psychotic, have an introject whatever that is, or it is some weird dissociative or denial symptom that I can't see how would be possible. I hate it.

Ironic as I go around saying that as a result of all my hard work I am at last free of abusive relationships. And yet I am in one with myself.

 

[Abstract]

A bit embarrassed (understatement) about this things said but guess it is better out than in. Doesn't feel like it.

it all makes the memories seem unreal, which makes denial easier.

This is a very good point Meadowsweet. I don't feel real let alone my memories. In that way fact and fantasy are less easy to separate. Its not as if reality had any solidness in the first place. Even non traumatic every day things.

I really do think my experiences are nothing. Sometimes I can see that thinking that is minimisation. That yes, others have experienced worse but thinking it is nothing probably isn't true either.

There is a level of cruelty in my minimisation and large dose of invalidation. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Abstract]

After acknowledging and hearing a diagnoses, it clicked.

Thanks dawn,
I actually think hiding certain things is totally normal. There are avoidance symptoms after all. Its no wonder some of us don't bring it up I guess.

It sounds like the diagnoses was a big shock, but that you moved on after and have worked to get better. Thanks.

 

[graceandhope1241]

My denial occurred when my ex boyfriend, whom also sexually assaulted me, broke up with me. The 4 months that spanned the assault to the breakup, were held together by dissociation, I made myself forget. After the breakup I told myself it never happened, told my close friends and family we never had sex and pretended like I was fine. I also pretended I was fine by acting very experienced and sexual, when that's not who I am.

My denial slowly crumbled as my PTSD kicked in, I knew something was wrong but couldn't admit it. One night I was on the phone with a close friend and I just kept talking to him for about six hours until 4am, and I just let it out what happened. During telling him I didn't even know if I was correct and he said, if it feels wrong it was. That night saved me and it was the first time I admitted what happened.

 

[Tinyflame]

I very much understand, relate, and have experienced the exact type of mechanism (for lack of any word) or way of thinking, or responding, as graceandhope said above, and what followed.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Abstract, I don't know if you are psychotic or not, but I can share that I have related similar feelings to my therapist when talking about some of the things mentioned in this thread, and he has always reassured me that I'm not psychotic nor do I have dissociative identity disorder. This reassurance came about because I was discussing what feels like a very strong split in my personality that gets very aggressive , controlling and calculated whenever I feel vulnerable or unsafe. This can emerge even when my own thoughts creep into a territory that "she" or this part of me doesn't want to go. It is very much like I am fighting with myself internally.

My therapist described it as frozen states of self that haven't been able to integrate because of the trauma. He said that everybody possesses these various states of self , but in individuals who have not had traumatic pasts or suffered from trauma, these parts are integrated within their personality. This is why for myself personally, my personality and experience often feels so fragmented.

Hope your okay. I think your doing a lot of good work figuring all this stuff out on your own. It takes a lot of courage and resilience, so don't sell yourself short :)

 

[Abstract]

Oh, Quaintpapercut, I am so grateful for your reply. :cry:

I have been regretting writing what I did and been feeling very alone. It seems to me that most people struggle in what I think of as a normal way when it comes to this stuff.

I will come back and go back to my answers but just wanted to say this. Nice to see you around and I hope you are doing OK. Thank you!