What Did Your "denial" Look Like And How Did You Overcome It?

[Abstract]

Thanks for your reply therisa,

I had been experiencing emotional and auditory flashbacks, without realizing it, since a child

It's astonishing isn't it? It would happen but I never gave it a moments thought to the extent that I just have a vague sense of it. I can understand how the transexual thing would be handled similarly as it was your pattern of coping.

a lifetime of silence

I understand this too. I was the functional one that never had any wrong apparently yet in the mean time I was suicidal and had various serious mental health concerns. I only said very little and a few years back now but it wasnt heard or well received. I don't regret saying what I did though as I at least tried. I am sorry it was like this for you.

 

[therisa]

Abstract, please don't feel sorry for me, it was a different time and place, from now. Where people didn't talked about stuff, like this. I didn't help the situation, for I isolated myself, from others and couldn't express myself, verbally. A problem, I have to address, still.

 

[Abstract]

Denial is similar to dissociation in that it is the inability to be in the present moment and accept the present moment, whatever it may be.

Yes. I have given up trying to separate denial, minimising, dissociation and whatever else. It is enough to just look at it standing in the way of reality if reality is what it is.

I keep thinking that if this is denial then my mind thinks it needs it to keep itself safe but it is very hard to imagine as to be quite frank this feels absolutely terrible. Like being stuck in an internal war zone. When it is bad I can't imagine anything being worse. At least with flashbacks or other things it is awful but I am not doubting my sanity. its something outside to fight against.

I think you are right and others can't tell me the way through. I really wish I could have a few ideas. I am moving forward but it is painfully slow and exhausting. Everything else including not believing any of it is real is mild compared to the internal fighting. Trying to stay safe and move forward is a constant juggling act.

Thanks.

 

[Abstract]

After the breakup I told myself it never happened, told my close friends and family we never had sex and pretended like I was fine..

Its amazing how powerful it can be isn't it?

I am really glad you had someone to speak and have move on. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Abstract]

I very much understand, relate, and have experienced the exact type of mechanism

Sorry to hear that Junebug. It is a very powerful thing. I heard that it protects us if we don't get stuck in it (my name is Stuck with a capital S :-/).

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Tinyflame]

I suspect Abstract the "trying to stay safe and move forward" is most indicative of the ptsd, trauma, and impact it's had on you, and therefore 'proof' as it were that you are not 'crazy' and simply have had these things ('traumas'- and yes they are traumas) occur,and you and deserve the help for them.

You would not feel as badly as you do, nor have to fight as hard each day, if they were not 'real'.

Big :hug: 's Abstract, :inlove: .

 

[Abstract]

This can emerge even when my own thoughts creep into a territory that "she" or this part of me doesn't want to go. It is very much like I am fighting with myself internally.

QPC, thanks so much for sharing. That sounds extremely similar. This side of myself says I am delusional, attention seeking, psychotic, has factitious disorder amongst many things. It gets so intense I cannot think and it even becomes a physical safety issue at times.

If it is because I am not feeling safe enough then how do I change that? I have tried every way I can think of. Does your T help you with that? I have seriously had enough. Am trying to remember that I am a very way away from what it was like 6 months ago.

so don't sell yourself short

Thanks! I shall try. I actually hate myself intensely for all this. It is very disempowering.

 

[Abstract]

ou would not feel as badly as you do, nor have to fight as hard each day, if they were not 'real'

Thanks Junebug. :hug: That actually helps.

 

[Abstract]

If I was physically able to just book to see a therapist then I think a lot of this could be helped. The other side of me is saying they would lock me up of course.

The side that thinks this is trauma related thinks that the support of a therapist would help hugely. The trouble is that I am physically blocked from getting to that point as my mind empties entirely (I mean this in a literal sense) in a way that at a wild guess I think is dissociative. It has been happening for about a year now. My work is paying off as it feels much closer but it is still strong.

The only way around it that I can think of is if someone else found someone for me and I have noone in my life I could ask and I don't think it's something someone else can do either.

I need new ways of helping my mind to feel safe. What I have largely done so far is breaking down all the resistance logically and emotionally so that less of me is fighting this. It doesn't help that therapy and therapists themselves are a huge fear. Things feel different inside all in all - something has shifted - but I need more.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, sounds like fear. No they wouldn't 'lock you up'. Fear can constrict thinking and empty the mind too, whether that includes dissociation or not.

Perhaps you are thinking too far ahead, because of your great knowledge. Supposing you know in advance what the therapy will entail. But maybe the T could ask you questions, not expect you to talk about the past as simply re-telling. Perhaps you would surprise yourself and you would find yourself answering. :)

I realize you have not described your H as validating. :(

I think we all need a 'reason' to go (financial constraints aside). Or to hit a personal bottom. But even that bottom becomes moot if one gives up on themself , or has no greater reason to motivate them to try. Lacking self-love or not feeling deserving of it doesn't help, either. If one has dreams for themself, or a spouse they fear hurting, or children they are responsible for, or a family unit they are trying to preserve, it may help in getting through the fear to try.

Hugs, you can do it Abstract, if you want it. Baby steps. I think a lot would be accomplished by just showing up. :hug: