Thanks @TruthSeeker , I like your name btw. I appreciate your advice, and understand what you mean. Unfortunately it's about 45 years to late for me to begin-to-begin. Tbh, it's easier to accept, without giving room for more disappointment. I am significant, in so far as I'm a 'work unit'.
I did an experiment this past Christmas/ Birthday/ New Year; I decided for this time, I would see if or who actually reached out to me, including friends and relatives, with a wish, or a how are you, or whatever. I was contacted by a few people who I don't even know their last name. And tbh, they didn't exactly 'care', just were pretty up front they didn't want to be physically alone, and had other physical suggestions.
I've been in places I was in 20 years 5-6 days week, and remember the person there not even recognizing me, lol. I was told by the 'good' relative, "God created you for me". Unfortunately they didn't mean it in terms of sentiment. That was the 'good' one.
My problem is not continuing to think positive- I couldn't have survived or persevered or kept the pace up without it, my pblm is not accepting what is a fact, yes, I am insignificant, we all are to most others but generally speaking most or many have at least have someone or 2 who give a sh*t. Not all though, And I'm really weary of the facade, already. And the add something positive each day. I suppose it feels more like people have coping with Covid- but now tell them, this is your life from now on, or, lets just keep doing this for 50 years, and hopefully we can re-start after that. I should have trusted myself at Christmastime- what I knew and experienced,. Some people have banquets, some beg for crumbs, some no longer can be bothered to eat. I have become the latter. I don't need begging, phony, or crumbs. It is healthy to know I am insignificant, and not set out to accept disrepect and uncaring and call it acceptable and pretend it is otherwise. I am tired.
Anyway, sounds like a wah wah wah rant, no point ranting to one's self, so guess that's why I did here lol.. :sick: Sorry. One thing I do know, is there is no unanimity of one.
And thank you for the mindset and input @TruthSeeker , Hugs to you. :hug:
From a work standpoint....I accept that everyone is replaceable...therefore insignificant. But I'm speaking about community, about friends, and in my case....very distant family many states away-on a personal level.
That's BS that you can't begin.....45 years are an excuse.
I started my journey at 60...3 years ago, left all my crazy dysfunctional family behind to find a better way of living ...initially. in leaving, I was terrified......and three years later....life is much different. I changed my community, refused to participate in drama, and chose healthier more positive people to be around. It was important to connect with the concept of boundaries and follow through consistently. I chose for friends people who have a handle on values, morals and feelings, and a semblance of some kind of spirituality, and who have hobbies and interests....and their main line of conversation isn't trauma or today's drama...which has made all the difference. I give now as much as I take....sometimes more and expect nothing in return-I learned that's a healthier way to get more and it works....
Before I was needy....and gave away my power, so the power dynamics in my relationships were always very skewed...I didn't do boundaries, and now I do. I speak my mind, don't mince my words, and don't play games...but I also don't create or participate in drama, anymore either.
The facade you speak of(keeping your personal buisiness to yourself or choosing to appear happier than you are in a moment) is appropriate in a number of circumstances....there is a private part of us that we can choose to keep private-that is not a facade...that's healthy privacy.
I'm in the 4th quarter of my life.....I walked away from dysfunctionland, believing it can be different, with lots of work, desire, energy, and hope. I'm made many sacrifices and changes to remove myself from the dysfunction that family said to my face....multiple times, "You are no one."
I had two choices...to accept that I was no one of importance....insignificant to those around me....or challenge it. I think that is why I gave the feedback I did. It is a choice to remain insignificant....because anyone who names themself insignificant....doesn't believe they are deserving..... I have had to go find a better way....it didn't come to me, or show up at my doorstep. It is in doing, in getting out of the house, in developing hobbies and interests, and helping others, and learning a new way to live.....that I met other like-minded healthier folks....and we rarely talk about trauma. Our conversations aren't primarily whining -we share common interests and we have fun. I think living is about having fun....but it takes actively looking for it to happen.
The past is the past.....we can't change that....you need to give it a funeral and let it go......and blaming the past for being unhappy today.....is just unproductive. If you dwell on the negative....you'll get what you expect...negative. If you actively search for the positive.....while making healthy choices....and being consistent in your behavior towards others in a kind caring fashion....and actively seek a different way to live....you will be more likely to find it. Using age to say it's too late....keeps the blame on the past....keeps you SUPER stuck....and keeps you hopeless......There is more out there and you can be happy......really there is.....but you want a different future? Good memories? Gotta go make them. Take care, and good luck letting go of the past, creating a different future, and finding hope.