What Else Can Happen??

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree about any religion right now would be of help to you

It wasnt for me. She was asking for a minister and i was wondering what religon she would choose. I cant even walk into a church without freaking out right now.

Personally I would pause to consider what this situation "means" to you and deconstruct it rather than go with the inclination to act out and awfulize.

I agree that doing drugs and ruining your home with a baseball bat is counter productive and would only mess you up more.

Thats what i feel like doing, not what im going to do....

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My sister told my dad that she likely wont last until thurs, my first day off of work, and my dad is pushing me and saying (and my sister told my dad) that i should go to see her before she goes. Being that i took all my PTO that i have all the way to the end of the year for the 2 weeks off for seiqueiol so if i go it will have to be unpaid that will be an occurence against my attendence which i dont want...or my sup could approve unpaid time off so no need for PTO and doesnt give me an occurence (she can but that doesnt mean she will) but at the moment there is no way i could go see her. I dont know if i could even go to her funeral (work would give me 5 days bereavement) but right now, today, i cant go and i guess that fact makes me a horrible person...or so my dad acted like.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Also, I called my therapist's office, he has openings but all during when i have to work so none in the morning and if i ask for him to call, its between patients so he only has a few mins. So my therapist before Thurs is a no go....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not a horrible person and have valid reasons for how you feel now. First priority is to take care of you and meet your needs and wants. I am sorry that this is happening right now but I hope that you will not force yourself to do what is not in your best interests for now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@gizmo, thank you and Im not. Im trying to navigate this by myself the best I can. I have to work today and hope I dont flip out on people but Im going to tell my sup before work. Im hoping that you can take bereavement without going to the funeral as i dont know if I can go yet but will be a mess nonetheless (moreso than I am now) so im going to get all the ins and outs of what i can do within policy/what my sup can approve.

 

[scout86]

Well, in the "awful person department ", I went to see my mom on her death bed. Led to a predictably nasty conversation with my brother and not much else. Beforehand, my T asked how I thought I'd feel about it it 5 years. I skipped the funeral. I'm good with that.

But I had/have no real feelings for my mother, other than maybe a little vague fear. Don't do what you think you have to do, do what you want. If you want to go, point out to your employer that a day off before she dies makes more sense than one after and offer to not take all the leave after.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

point out to your employer that a day off before she dies makes more sense than one after and offer to not take all the leave after.

I have to go to take bereavement, I just asked, and I figured as much as they want the announcement to prove you were there. Without it, you cant prove anyone died and people were taking it (like my grandmother died 5 times) to go to the beach so the company tightened up on it.

I told her "well if i dont go i'll just work through it" and she said "we'll figure something out"...im unsure of what that means but whatever. I just hope I dont go off on people today let alone after she dies.

She did offer me a spilt shift to go to my therapist tomorrow or some day before Thurs. Thats like work 4 hrs, off 4 hrs, come back and work 4 hrs. Im not sure if im gonna take that. Its super hard to get up early after working to late night and i dont know, i know i dont want to go see her before she passes and cant anyway (if its before Thurs...or really Fri as Im going to my therapist on Thurs) unless my sup approves an unpaid day off and it doesnt sound like she's going to.

But i dont know...im such a mess...i very much want to get super f*cking high on anything because i dont know how to deal with it all. Doesnt mean I will but I very much want to. I hit the bathroom door over and over last night. It did make me feel a little better. I didnt plan to do that...i was in the bathroom and it just happened.

Today, im very numb. Not on purpose...ive numbed a lot of the emotions away and im walking around sort of zombie like.

I dont know what to do, dont know how i feel and im doing the best i can to navigate this alone and be able to work without freaking out on people.

Im sorry, im just rambling...

 

[scout86]

she said "we'll figure something out"...im unsure of what that means

I'd take that to mean she believes you when you tell her what's going on and she's willing to help however she can.

Something I did, when my parents were sick, because I had no other way to get information, is I called the hospital, explained who I was, and asked what was going on. I got WAY better information that way than by dealing with my brother, or my mom, when my dad was dying. The charge nurse is usually a great source of accurate information. You might try finding out where your mother is and call there for information. There's stuff they can't tell you but, as family, there's a lot they can tell you. It might be interesting to know if you're on the list of "family". (In my case, they had to check and make sure that talking to me hadn't been forbidden before they could answer questions.) It's possible she's not as sick as they think, and it's possible she's totally out of it and wouldn't know you were there, and a whole bunch of other things are possible as well.

But i dont know...im such a mess...i very much want to get super f*cking high on anything because i dont know how to deal with it all.

So, what is it that you don't know how to deal with? Think about that a little. It might not be what it appears to be on the surface. There seems to be a lot of anger and maybe frustration? Breaking things? (wanting to) What's up with that? Dissect it out a little and see if you can figure out where it's really coming from.

im doing the best i can to navigate this alone

Actually, you might feel alone, but you came here looking for help, right? So you're not really totally alone? Just keep working your way through this like you have been. You're doing a good job, near as I can tell.

 

[KeepingTime]

i know i dont want to go see her before she passes

My guess is that if you don't want to see her before then you may feel indifferent about going to the funeral. Just my assumption.

I know that this has stirred up a hornets nest of emotion for you and maybe the numbing now is just protective allowing yourself to function through this.
Whatever you decide just remember to be kind to yourself through all of this. You are not your enemy here and you have been through so much already. Don't add to that by giving into self destructive behaviors. (So says the queen of beating myself up. :) )

We are all here for you whatever you feel or decide.
:hug: Hugs for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, what is it that you don't know how to deal with? Think about that a little. It might not be what it appears to be on the surface. There seems to be a lot of anger and maybe frustration? Breaking things? (wanting to) What's up with that? Dissect it out a little and see if you can figure out where it's really coming from.

I couldnt answer this (and probably still cant so may still come back to it) all day as ive been more numb at work today than i ever remember being before. As soon as i walked out the doors i cant breathe again.

Anger is an easy go to for me. I could say its anger and that would likely be partially true but all of my emotions hide themselves as anger so the wanting to distory everything i own (ive taken a baseball bat to my room before so not the first time) but what is it about? Likely emotions too intense for me to even identify let alone feel. A release of that i think and anger that shes going to f*cking die before ive dealt with all of this...anger of what she did...im not sure if im brave enough to say sadness and grief...read that letter i wrote to her...but my "inner child" has a lot going on...that i know. When i read that piece that @Ragdoll Circus wrote hit something rather deep and very strong.

Anyway...likely need to come back to that as i just got off of work and have succeeded in fully numbing myself...not on purpose...but still...

I know that this has stirred up a hornets nest of emotion for you and maybe the numbing now is just protective allowing yourself to function through this.

I think so too. Rather scared of my therapy session...he's not going to let me stay numb...

Don't add to that by giving into self destructive behaviors.

I dont live alone (another reason thats a good thing) and so i cant. If i didnt, f*ck, id probably have 20 cans of duster to huff right now...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My dad said my sister wanted me to call her, I did and she said my mom said she wants to see me. My sister said she wasnt going to push but her opinion is I should. She even asked when my therapist appointment is and she said I can still get there in the evening time. ARGH! My dad is pushing that too. I wish everyone would just leave me alone about it and let me make this decision on my own with my therapist.

But they are all saying that if i dont and she dies that i will regret not going. Will i?

Anyway, she said they cant do the biopsy yet as the infection is too bad and have to let the anotibiotics do their thing. She said she looks a bit better but still not good...still projected to not make it. I guess since my sister is a step daughter (ex step daughter) to my mom (one of my dad's 4 daughters from his first marriage...me and my brother were from his second marriage to my mom) that she cant have the "password" to get information...only my mom's sister and my brother have it so all info is from them or what she hears when she is there.

But she did say she is there for me and wont turn her back on me through this (which is a first). My mom said she wanted to see me but without my dad there and my sister knows some but not near enough to really be there for me and if i go, i aint going alone and i am certianly not going to go if the "she devil", my brother's wife, is there.

Now i want to distory the house again. No, i wont do it...its just a want. Im not as numb anymore and that sucks! I so f*cking hate this! This is way too complicated to be happening!

 

[Heather]

@lostforgottensoul I'm sorry you are going through this. I too have not seen my parent (my dad) since I was 11 y/o. It's been over 30 years. He molested me and my sister....not sure how I'd feel/deal if I was in your situation.

I really feel for what you are going through.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Heather! I have no clue how to feel or deal with it either. Sort of taking one minute at a time...sometimes one second at a time as I feel like im moving in slow motion or something for some reason but yet shaking, hyperventaling, and rocking myself like a complete idiot or something...