Relationship What else can i do?

[Deleted member 46195]

Hi everyone, my girlfriend was abused by her ex 7 months ago. I had psychological trauma myself but that was different and I already recovered from that so I understand how she feels. We are in a long-distance relationship. Since the beginning I supported her and we talked together. When she fell in love more with me she talked to me very rarely and briefly. Sometimes she became very angry for very little inconvenience and used explicit language and told me bad things about me while neither of that were truth. I figured out that it's not how she normally behave. That is what her ex was doing to her. After I told herShe speakes freely with other people but not me.

I found that this is because of fear of intimacy. She fears to get attached to me and open her soul to me. 2 months ago after she started an argument from very insignificant thing, and when she is stressed she talks much but in very bad language, she blocked me on facebook, on whatsapp, on instagram. Now I can write to her only through e-mail. And she sometimes respond to my e-mails by posting photos on instagram but never directly. I am kind with her, polite, I don't use bad language, I care very much about her, deeply inside she is great woman, I see that she want to change for me, and something she changes in herself but mostly what I've asked is being unanswered and it feels like talking to myself not knowing if she reads that or not. She writes in general form and never mention my name that she is brave and so on but after that don't actually do what she said. She already indirectly told that she loves me even agreed to marry me but after I've tried to talk about that she acted like she decline her own words. I was and I am patient with her. But this patience seems to not working. I tried to help her but I can't do anything if she not willing to do that even to tell me directly that she loves me and to show that we are in relationship. I mostly didn't told her what to do but wrote in the form of advice to 3rd person. That also have very small effect. I don't want to tell her to go to the doctor because I feel that she will feel that I said something very bad to her and will stop to talk to me completely. I asked her to unblock me because I believe that in relationship people should talk with each other and show their love to each other having feedback to know if you did something good or bad. She told to take her back. I wrote to her in very positive way. But since then she didn't unblock me. She had a photo of her ex that she only removed after I posted it myself and asked her who is important for her. So this time I changed the strategy I registered another account and posted on her account. She blocked me again. I did this several times and only after that she immediatly wrote me an e-mail and not one in very rude words that I posted that and her friends thinks that I'm crazy while agaib neither of that is true. Only when she get stressed that much she starts talking and everything moves faster. Isn't other emotions also that strong fo be able to do so the person starts direct interaction even though while feeling fear? Is there any way to do a rapid change? Because only such change in contrast to being patient actually get her going forward. Maybe I am to focused on her and becime blind to new ideas. It seems like she also do something in the fear of public disclosure. But I don't wabt to make her suffer. And I tell her hiw I feel about everything. What to tell her that it will be easier for her to take actions to nove forward abd open her heart for me and unblock me so we will be able to talk? What can You suggest me to do if You were in a similar situation? I've already started preparing for the marriage but it seems like it will happen only in the distant future.

Sorry, I'm writing from the phone and it doesn't show how to edit the post. After I told her that this is because of that and it's not her fault she became more calm to me but still talked very little if not to say almost nothing.

 

[Snowflakes]

my girlfriend was abused by her ex 7 months ago.

Since you are here in a PTSD forum, is she being treated for the fallout from this abuse or are you assuming she is suffering from PTSD? The reason I ask is because, if this incident did not happen, would you keep working so hard for a relationship that appears that she is not willing to commit to at this time? Remember that PTSD is not an excuse to mistreat another.

What can You suggest me to do if You were in a similar situation? I've already started preparing for the marriage but it seems like it will happen only in the distant future.

Since you asked, I would probably ask myself if I was willing to accept her behavior for the rest of my life. If you’re here in this PTSD forum, remember that PTSD is never cured; it is only well managed with great therapy and sometimes good meds.

Finally....I see where you wrote where you tried to help her. After 10 years of trying, I can assure you that you cannot help her. She must be willing to help herself.

Take care, I wish you both well.

 

[Deleted member 46195]

Since you are here in a PTSD forum, is she being treated for the fallout from this abuse or are you...

Hi Snowtlakes, thank you for reply. No she don't take medications. To be honest when I took medications they had to many side effects and I learned to conquer my trauma without it and it was'nt ptsd in my case. I assume that this is ptsd from her actions and from how much time this is going and she still sometimes show those actions. Her close relative have also problem with health that can't be recovered and this also adds to her feelings. I know that it stays in the body like that for the rest of the life and that only thing to do is to learn to control it. She shows progress and from what I see I think she will recover from this. For me it was hard without medications but anyway I did. I ask if there are any quicker ways in study of psychology to being able to help her taking actions instead of just thinking about it. If there are no quicker ways at least how to make it easier for her so she will help herself. She tries but it seems like it's difficult for her. And I try to keep everything in positive mood. How it's better to suggest her to talk to either to her close friend about this?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Nick777788 OK....I get it. Yes, while many of her behaviors may be similar to C-PTSD, she would need a diagnosis from a mental health professional in order to begin therapy so that she can manage her illness. When she does that, then she may choose to further her relationship with you that works for both of you.

To answer your question, you can suggest that she speak to you and/or a close friend about this but be prepared for a less than desirable response from her to you.

You asked about how you can learn more about what to do. You started that learning by coming here. I would suggest that you start reading all our stories in this forum and also the member diaries in this forum. You’ll find that most of us came here with the same questions. It’s also helpful to start with understanding the PTSD Stress Cup https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

I think you really want to help her and that is very admirable of you but, in order to be a great supporter, you do need to put your oxygen mask on first. You need to take care of you first so you can support her when she decides to help herself.

Finally, remember that giving our sufferer time and space is a loving act.

Take care.

 

[Deleted member 46195]

@Nick777788 OK....I get it. Yes, while many of her behaviors may be similar to C-...

Thank You Snowflakes I think it looks like cup 3 but not that much as desribed, and it happens less with time and only connected to being close in the relationship. It's more kind of combination of factors like fear of intimacy because of linked previous feeling to new emotion to another person, ptsd but again not that much and now it is more rare and becoming speechless. Maybe there is also something else but it took time to figure out even this like uncovering layers

 

[Mytime]

Hi @Nick777788 , welcome to the forum. I would like to ask a couple of questions if that’s ok?

How long have you been in a relationship with your gf?

How do you know she has a fear of intimacy?

Are you asking her to change who she is?

Has she talked about breaking up?

I just want to make sure I’m understanding your post .

 

[Deleted member 46195]

Hi @Nick777788 , welcome to the forum. I would like to ask a couple of questions if t...

Hi Mytime, thank you for reply. We are together for 7 months, she first told me indirectly that she loves me 3 months ago, out of this 3 months 2 months she blocked me and don't speak directly.
It took me long time to figure out all those fears. I know that she has this fear of intimacy to me because intimacy is not just being physicaly close to each other but showing your inner self and sharing stories of your life. Even that I've asked when we actually talked she never told me any story about herself while I told her. When she told that she loves me she began writing to me directly much less up to complete silence and this happens only with me with other people she talks and also with men but not like she talked with me. When I posted something to her she removed that because her friends were able to see that. This is because she was in love with her ex for 5 years but he was not kind to her, abused her and leaved her for other women and all this time she believed that he will change and wasn't taking any action, they argued a lot, while I said clearly that it is better that we will learn to not make arguments but I, only looking on his photo, new without hearing that story that something is wrong with him. Therefore that feeling of broken love stayed with her and when she fell in love with me she recalled that feeling and projected it on me.
I've asked her how it is better for her to change and she did change over time for the better but not everything. But she still haven't told me directly that she loves me and that we are in relationship and also neither admit it publicly, she never mentions my name so it seems like she tells that for everybody not just for me. First I thought it was because she wanted to be sure that I will not leave her, while I have told and showed to her that I will not do that, so it will be safe for her if something will go wrong to not admit that it was about me and for me. But later I undrstood that it's because of her past.
When she were stressed she did said in rude way to never speak to her again and leave her alone abd also were telling that she is happy with her boyfriend while that is not truth and I'm the only boyfriend she has. I know this for sure because it takes a lot of courage and patience to be able to constantly hear that and still continue such relationship. And I'm in relationship with her because she is really caring and great woman and while other people suggest in such behaviour to leave and move on I never did that. It requires much dedication. And I see that such dedication has good consequences but still not enough for a full loving relationship. And haven't seen other men where that much caring about her. And I also know that I can't make her love me she only can choose to love me and only thing I did I treated her like a loved woman. When a woman loves only one man she don't leave to otber men, especially that I'm kind, honest with her and also willing to change for her for the better if she feels that I should change something in myself. She told me that she loves me again not directly only after I gave her a choice to leave me but she hasn't leaved me therefore everything she told me wasn't truth.

 

[Deleted member 46195]

Hi @Nick777788 , welcome to the forum. I would like to ask a couple of questions if t...

Also she is almost 40 years old just to tell that not only young people block someone in the internet what can be concidered highly immature.

 

[Snowflakes]

When I posted something to her she removed that because her friends were able to see that.

But she still haven't told me directly that she loves me and that we are in relationship and also neither admit it publicly, she never mentions my name so it seems like she tells that for everybody not just for me.

When she were stressed she did said in rude way to never speak to her again and leave her alone abd also were telling that she is happy with her boyfriend

She told me that she loves me again not directly only after I gave her a choice to leave me but she hasn't leaved me therefore everything she told me wasn't truth.

Also she is almost 40 years old

@Nick777788 Please forgive me for being blunt. It is not my intention to criticize you nor make you feel bad. In your first post you ask what someone here would do in a similar situation. I can tell you that if a 40 year old woman I was dating said all those things to me, regardless if she was suffering from PTSD or not, I’d probably accept her words and walk away. I would leave her alone. If she wanted to be with me later, she would know how to get hold of me and we could talk about it.

I’m truly sorry for your anguish but there is nothing you can do for her. She is a grown woman and I would simply honor her requests to you.

Take care.

 

[Mytime]

I have to agree with @Snowflakes. I know it hurts and it’s hard to let go.
But I feel if you keep finding ways to talk to her on FB, ect. She may get very angry and get a restraining order. She has asked for space and blocked you from all social media. Which means she really can’t deal with a relationship or wants a relationship at this time. I think it’s best for you both to move on and if the timing is right, maybe you’ll reconnect. But from what you have said it doesn’t seem like she wants a relationship. I understand you feel she has PTSD and you feel she’s doing a push and pull. But she hasn’t said she does. Sometimes people feeling change.
I do wish you the best :)

 

[Deleted member 46195]

@Nick777788 Please forgive me for being blunt. It is not my intention to critici...

I think she subconsciously recreates the feeling and acting like her ex towards me without unknowledging it and creates such situations to feel it again. I will give her space and time. Is there ways to break the binding of memory and emotions? Something like to train a dog not to be angry? Or create a more strong emotion so it will replace the old one?

 

[Deleted member 46195]

I think she subconsciously recreates the feeling and acting like her ex towards me without unknowled...

I have to agree with @Snowflakes. I know it hurts and it’s hard to let go.
But I f...

I will give her time and space. I think she get used to my attention over time. I didn't do it much before because I think that she may be very scared of me leaving her alone and it will recall her how her ex leaved her.