What Happens In A Church... Can't Be Talked About With My Therapist?! What?!

[Justmehere]

If someone had told me beforehand that it was a confidential thing, and not to talk to a therapist about it... I was dissociative. I wanted to remember. :(

 

[Chava]

He suggested finding another therapist

This sounds out of line.

p.s. the need for e-mail communication is likely his way of protecting himself when maybe he doesn't understand what is happening or how to deal. He might be an asshole or he might think he is protecting himself. If parts of the church are important to you, you could meet him on his terms for now...it all sounds quite inflamed. Or you could leave. Sorry it sounds really difficult!!

 

[Chava]

my friends won't hang with me anymore. They were told to not talk to me and not given a reason why. They are confused and angry and choose to follow the instructions anyhow.

Also out of line. Is this a cultish kind of church? If so, be glad that you've "seen the light" and leave.

 

[Justmehere]

It seemed very un-cult like. Very. I have encountered a cult and a cultish like organizations before, so I know the signs... This church didn't seem cultish or severely unhealthy until now.

I'm so angry. What if this is a normal healthy response on their part to someone who has been angry at them for awhile for breaking my privacy?

I keep thinking, "this is wrong, this is unhealthy, this is abusive... I can fix it. I just have to make them happy. Convince them I can be a good girl."

I am really dissociative. Come on JMH, pull yourself together. Walk away.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't want to find out they were not really my friends at all, but just people who drank the Koolaid.

They are not like that. They are nice. I caused this. I always do.

 

[scout86]

I was also feeling really ashamed that I couldn't say no and have it respected.

I'm not sure exactly how you said "No", but it sounds to me like you said it in a way that any reasonable person would understand. I'm thinking that this person didn't fail to understand because YOU didn't make your point "right". They failed to understand because they only wanted to hear something other than "no" and weren't willing to hear the "no". Sadly, not much ANYONE can do about that, other than them.

I have a couple weird "leaving a church for what seems like unlikely reasons" stories, if you want to hear them. You wouldn't think it would be so hard to find a good church. All they need to do is "read the book" and actually follow directions.... It seems like there is a very human tendency to read the book and then think you've cornered the market on truth.

Having said that, if someone taped a conversation with me, without my knowledge, it would freak me out and I'd seriously have a problem trusting them after that. In this particular case, since I understand why you did it and it totally makes sense, I'd probably move past it, but cautiously. Has nothing to do with whether or not it's legal, it's "just me". But then, I have a few trust issues and have no idea how someone who doesn't would take this.

I really screwed up here.

I don't see where this is true. If I could go back and change something, I guess #1 would be that you were a good enough mind reader to know that a person you wanted to confide in (for all the RIGHT) reasons, couldn't keep their mouth shut and would share the information (good intentions or not) with someone who apparently put a weird and not very useful spin on it. And, I'd change the ultimate blow up, but, good grief, that came pretty far down the road, after a lot of provocation, and I think most people would have done something similar, PTSD or not. What could you have done different? I don't know. Maybe decide "These people aren't getting this, I should just shut up and leave." before blowing up? But that's a tough call. A lot of us feel the need to be heard and it's hard to quit while you're ahead (or not too far behind!), when you clearly aren't being heard. .

They were told to not talk to me and not given a reason why. They are confused and angry and choose to follow the instructions anyhow.

This really bothers me. First that they were told that and second that they went along with it. One of the most interesting and noteworthy things about Jesus was his inclination to talk to everyone. Even, and maybe especially, people he wasn't "supposed" to talk to. Once again, I think they need to go back and read the book. This is a major point, it's not buried in the fine print.

And, in what version of reality is "Bible study" SUPPOSED to be a secret anyway, now that I think about it? Are you SUPPOSED to share that stuff?

Sorry, I know how hard it is to find a good fit in a church. And it CAN be a great source of support. Doesn't sound like you're there yet. I hope your friends will see that this place MIGHT be a bit overly controlling and maybe THEY ought to go elsewhere too.

 

[The Albatross]

There are things that are presumed confidential in special groups circles. First off. I do though come from a congregation that seems to be able to handle things rightly even when I'm the complainant.

Not saying it is or isn't a transgression of sorts... or whether or not it's okay to replay something for a shrink.

Just saying, that legally... at least where I am, permission has to be given.

Granted there were extenuating circumstances... but... part of fellowship is learning how to work/be/do within a group of individuals. (sayin' that and expecting to get pounded now) People can an do share things that they do not care to share outside of the group. Some submit themselves to the church, some choose outside assistance... but it is a highly personal and yeah vulnerable thing ... like therapy church/fellowship is considered a safe haven for guidance. Without permission first it was a lapse in judgment only though the intentions were honorable.

 

[Ronin]

@Justmehere - just to address the parts of where you mention you 'screwed up' - I don't believe being a person who's at particularly vulnerable point of their life, is tantamount to screwing up.

You are in a hard spot, and you clearly outlined boundaries - there is nothing in that deserving of being labeled a failure, by you and definitely not by the others.

 

[Justmehere]

I do actually agree it was a bad idea. I shouldn't have left the recorder on when I walked into the church. I could have just told the therapist what happened. I was so obessed with figuring out what I did wrong so I wouldn't get hurt again. I played only the three minutes and the only talking is me saying no and the leader telling me to have others bring my dying friend food over and over. (My friend specifically had asked for no more food to be brought to her.) In my state, it's totally legal to do that if it is a conversation you are involved in. The other person doesn't have to be told.

But that doesn't make it right to do. I see that more now.

What makes it confusing is that if I had not done it, I would have no memory of what happened, and frankly, that probably would have been better. I wouldn't have remembered a reason to be so mad. But then I would have been all the more confused too as to why I was banned without a reason and without any memory.

It wasn't right to do what I did, but it's hard to sort out. Messy.

They banned me from the group long before they knew I recorded it, and they didn't bring this up until 3 months after they were first told I recorded it.

Isn't banning someone done to bring behavioral change as well as protect others?

What I did was wrong, and I want to make it right.

Of all the sins in the world, even or in this church...

They totally busted boundaries. Again and again. There is no reason to go back. I'm all bad to them and they feel they did nothing worth changing.

None of my friendships were real or I totally screwed them up. I sort of want to die. I hate this. I am going to call my therapist.

 

[Ronin]

Isn't banning someone done to bring behavioral change as well as protect others?

What I did was wrong, and I want to make it right.

Of all the sins in the world, even or in this church...

You are not a danger anybody needs to be 'protected' from. That how they treat you is making you feel like you are is a major red flag to me.

Similar with 'all the sins of the world', because however mighty and noble that intent to do good is, that it's born out of feeling massively inadequate and depressed and blamed for the wrongs done is a reason for concern.

You are not to be blamed for evils other people do, and recording a bunch of people doing things, is no 'evil'. Breaching this or that rule, it may be. Boundaries crossing on any side? It may be. But evil? That is a far stretch.

 

[Friday]

What I did was wrong, and I want to make it right.

I disagree that what you did was wrong in having a recorder on. It's not illegal, churches are places where that's usually encouraged -as are other forms of note taking-, and most tellingly? You used it to no ill-purpose (you didn't publish it, or use it to in any way harm any other member or the organization). Purely making people uncomfortable is not wrong, in and of itself. ((Again, I'm a person who is highly uncomfortable being recorded, and I'm still coming down on the side that making me uncomfortable is not being wrong.))

How to "make it right" is a question I always always always ask myself.

In order to answer that, however, first one has to decide what/ where/ how things either went wrong OR could have been handled better.

Handled better? (As I don't believe what you did was wrong) IMO...
- You needed the recording for yourself & your therapist. So one version of handled better would either be only sharing it there,
- OR gaining permission in advance
- AND if you cannot gain permission? Go elsewhere. As the recording is something that you need.
- OR coming up with alternate methodology for keeping notes when permission cannot be gained.

***

There are always 2 sets of need/wants. Your own & the people you interact with. Where there is conflict? Other people do NOT automatically trump you. They are equal. But your own is the only one you have power over. How to handle that conflict? Is something you're learning how to do. That's a good thing! :)

 

[Ronin]

Which reminds me JMH, one could argue even from a religious standpoint: If they have something to hide that much, even to expell members of the congregation for believed transgressions? They shouldn't call themselves a home of God to begin with, because they are clearly not acting as one.

This ain't on you.