What have you seen me do right?

[ms spock]

I am really struggling. I don't talk to people in my life about how I am really going because my life is too complicated and complex for most people to take a hold of. How do you validate that your okay or good enough? I have been here just one month shy of being here for 10 years. I had worked so hard before I got here and I really have worked my guts out these last ten years, but still I am struggling day to day, even just to be in my body. I don't feel my own feelings. I have experiential avoidance to my own life and feelings. I attack myself constantly just the way my family did to me. I know I need to meet my own needs and look after myself but I also need some validation and support from other people. I am crying (for about two minutes) as I write this which I don't do often so I make sure to write it down when I do.

A lot of people wouldn't know me because I am not as active as I once was on the forum. But if anyone has noticed any thing positive I have done or said on the forum it will help me to have some positive things from people that I can read and reread when I am struggling so hard. I have just come out of a major depressive episode. It was really shitful. It has brought me to a deeper level of understand of what I need to do next. But I am human and need some positive feedback as well. I want to feel that I matter.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @ms spock - I wanted to write quickly and say that I have definitely seen you make big improvements over the last bunch of years I've known you, here. I want to write more thoughtfully, and may not have time to do so til tomorrow - just wanted to let you know that. More soon.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I wish I knew you a little better mr spock but you seem to have all sorts of strength and character. Working on yourself as long as you have is more than a full-time job, it's tough work not for the weak-hearted. You don't quit and you reach out here two things you are doing right. Don't be too hard on yourself...big hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

But if anyone has noticed any thing positive I have done or said on the forum it will help me to have some positive things from people that I can read and reread when I am struggling so hard

I do remember. You have supported many people on the forum, and referred them to many resources, and have encouraged them to use ( & have mentioned yourself using and working through) The Mindful Way through depression, and battling cognitive distortions (and more). So you've been empathetic, since you've taken the time to share, but also practical and resourceful.

You have written on the forum about your great improvements in healing; your selflessness in taking care of B, and his happiness; your successful marriage, and even how you defined how you wanted your wedding day/ who was to be present, and how; your success teaching again, handling diplomatically and professionally very unprofessional and challenging people; how you advocated for yourself for better work assignments, ultimately.

And much more @ms spock . I just don't have the words atm. Good stuff. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thank you @joeylittle, @MrMoonlight and @Tinyflame. It means a lot. I am most appreciative of your comments.

That's really comforting.

 

[The Albatross]

Even with a bunch of crap going on... you are in a safer day to day environment than your prior apartment. You took the next step in a relationship and married a man you love. You damned the torpedoes and undertook getting your university training and accreditation to teach. You embraced your father-in-law and out of love and respect advocate for his health and his care. You've grown exponentially. You play banjo and have a blog about it. You are bringing yourself up most of the time!

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @The Albatross. I will take your words with me as I will @joeylittle, @MrMoonlight and @Tinyflame.

I am most comforted by this.

 

[LuckiLee]

I've seen you struggle but I have never seen you give up. You have crap days and still try to find the positives and you always find some kind of growth from them.

You get knocked down and jump right back up. That takes strength and perseverance.

And every thing @The Albatross said. (Nice post)

Have a good night/day.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @LuckiLee. I will take your words with me as I will @joeylittle, @MrMoonlight, @Tinyflame and @The Albatross

I am most comforted by this.

 

[The Albatross]

It's all true Spock... all the biggies and many more. Root yourself in facts, k?

 

[joeylittle]

Even with a bunch of crap going on... you are in a safer day to day environment than your prior apartment. You took the next step in a relationship and married a man you love. You damned the torpedoes and undertook getting your university training and accreditation to teach. You embraced your father-in-law and out of love and respect advocate for his health and his care. You've grown exponentially. You play banjo and have a blog about it. You are bringing yourself up most of the time!

@ms spock - first, I really want you to write down this post The Albatross wrote and carry it with you. I quoted it just to make you read it again. It's so true and good.

I can add...I'm sure it doesn't feel like this but you are much, much more regulated emotionally than you were a few years back. I see it in the way you talk with yourself here on the forum, and in the ways we've interacted, and in the stories you've shared about your interactions with the people all around you in your 3-D world. There are always going to be hurdles and challenges. Once you get to a certain point, it's no longer about eliminating the possibility of tough stuff happening; it's about how we live with and through those challenges.

What I see is @ms spock living a very full life. A life that presents both the good stuff and the bad, hard stuff. I see you living through all of that, and thriving. You've built a very solid foundation for your mental health management, and you engage with those skills. I see someone who trusts her own judgement, can forgive herself when she stumbles, and gets her head back in the game. That's you, Spock.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you @joeylittle for seeing me I have a touch of sand in my eyes.