What Would Be The Worst Thing Ptsd Has Done To You ?

[soulsearcher]

Unconditional Love! The ones that were to love me unconditioally have abused this power on me, each taking a part of my soul. I don't know if I will ever know what unconditional love ever feels like since I am unable to trust.

 

[Sammyiam]

As I sit here and read all the replies, I think to myself I could have written every single post here, apart from a couple of small things here and there I can relate to 100% of the replies. I don't think that the average person has any idea of how much this robs such a huge part of a persons life.

I feel that they don't have any idea because of all the masks that so many of us feel we need to wear, isn't it so sad to think that we have to do that to try and fit into society as so called normal behaviour, what is normal behaviour anyway, who gets to decide what we should be like and how we should all feel.

If anyone walked a mile in someone's shoes that has any mental illness I feel that there would be a huge change in how people see other people, the empathy that it gives us and how much we get to see the real people and how they really feel on this site, how we help anyone that needs it and are just there to listen when needed, to sit and chat with someone from the other side of the world with no judgement, as we have all felt and been there at one point or another is a far more real way to see people than a lot of people who put up a front or act just to make it ahead in life or look as if nothing is ever wrong in their life just to fit in with what we so call normal.

I feel if we are really honest no matter how hard it gets and how much we have to go through, the one positive thing we have all got from this terrible thing called PTSD is empathy and non judgement, most people go their entire life and never get to feel that.

Take care

 

[Underdog]

Wow! A great question and honest responses! I'll be rereading what people have said again.

For me, what happened literally destroyed me to my core. It took everything I believed myself to be (kind, understanding and patient) and flushed that down the drain. It destroyed me to watch myself become the very thing I hated and the rage was unlike anything I have ever felt before. It destroyed my faith in humanity, my beliefs and shattered every construct I held dear. It nearly destroyed my relationship with the love of my life, friends disappeared because they were scared or thought I was on some sort of illegal drugs, and it literally brought me to my knees. Suicide was the only option left before I finally realized suicide was not an option for me and that I had to leave the job causing the daily trauma. I've spent the last two years of my life hiding after having fought so hard for 3 years just to stay above the water at the job. I feel as though I have lost the past 5 years of my life and so much that really was dear to me. Even today, I have to force myself to eat and attend to the things I do really care about, but it's a daily struggle just to lift myself up to do what I must.

 

[kodiak]

For me it's the guilt and social isolation because I can't trust no one.

 

[kodiak]

For me it's the guilt and social isolation because I can't trust no one.

 

[Sammyiam]

Wow! A great question and honest responses! I'll be rereading what people have said again.

Thanks underdog,

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is honesty not as in lying to people, honesty as in being honest to myself and realising that I am sick and I have got mental health problems, which have come about from child sexual abuse, I have spent over 40 years running from myself, making my life as busy as I could so I never stopped, I would never dear stop and sit as when that happened I had time to think and that wasn't an option for me I spent my whole life working over a 100 hours a week 400 days a year as that's what it felt like there were to many days in my year. I succeeded in making my life so busy that when we had a huge trauma with our son, my entire life and soul left my body and all that was left was an empty shell, I have just wondered empty less for the past 3 or 4 years but have no decided to get the help I needed all those years ago but was to scared of asking others and myself for help.

I have learnt a lot from this site and one of the biggest things that this site has taught me is I am not alone any more, other people actually feel what I feel and I'm not scared to ask them for help, as I know they have are or just been through everything I have been through.

The first thing I think I am trying to finally do for myself is to pull down the brick wall I have built so dear and close to me, one brick at a time and I want to see what the outside world actually looks and feels like, with adult eyes and adult feelings, and try and rebuild my life one brick at a time with no restrictions and fear.

Like I have said I know it will be a long road with many pot holes, but I think I am finally ready to start driving on that road with my courage and all your help, so thank you, to all the very kind people on this site.

:hug:s

 

[Deleted member 19804]

The thought of dying 50 to 100 times a day because of something I have done wrong, or being a bad person, or it's all my fault and I deserve to die, or a combination of all three, I feel like I am going to die young and not live to an old age, every day it haunts me.

Oh my gosh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Thank you for posting this! I have felt exactly the same way and still do sometimes. I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to live so bad but at the same time I was convinced that I was going to die because I didn't deserve to be alive.

That has been the worst part for me too. The constant fear that can be so paralizing that you no longer know what is real or not. Now that is really scary.

Thank you again for sharing this. Though I wouldn't wish this upon anyone (except maybe our abusers), in a way it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

[Britt.f7]

It makes me sad but it has interfered with how I act with children. I hold back because I want them to feel the need to come to me for a hug, and not make them feel pressured that they have to do it. Cautious, but I think it makes me appear standoffish. I especially see it as the kids have gotten older. My sister is all grabby and lovey and the kids seem to take to her more. Saddens me.

 

[Changing4Best]

It has taken my ability to say NO! away, or to say no too. Even sometimes that weak little no of a whimper that can hardly be heard is hard to say. It used to be worse, I just could not say no to a date (so I ended up marrying a jerk the first time around), a request for help, or just about anything. I was a door mat. These days, once I realized this a number of years ago while I was in therapy, I think it has gotten less severe, but I still find it hard to say no sometimes!

 

[Sammyiam]

It has taken my ability to say NO! away, or to say no too.

I still to this day never say no, I spend my whole life trying to please everyone, I cut myself into a million pieces trying fit around everyone, and fit everything in.

 

[Changing4Best]

@Sammyiam practice saying no in the mirror, practice it on a friend who is willing to work with you, practice it in life on some small things first, then work up to the BIG things. "Practice makes perfect".

 

[Sammyiam]

@SheilaKathy If I could look in mirrors, I hate them so much I carnet stand to look in mirrors, but I will try.

Thanks so much
Take care