What's Our Fault And What Isn't?

[PointlessExistence]

Have you tried mindfulness as a therapeautic technique (as opposed to just bringing down panic)?...

I have not tried it, but now I will definitely look into it. Thank you.

 

[Gs172003]

I have not tried it, but now I will definitely look into it. Thank you.

Me too! Sounds like something I could benefit from too

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you for the replies. Not only do I hear you having the same problems, but I've been re...

Something I just noticed is you said your daughter is 12. There is quite a bit she can do to help if she isn't already with chores etc. Does she help out around the house? Can the two of you work together?

 

[Gs172003]

Do I beat myself up with warped self-beliefs, like maybe I'm just lazy/malingering/useless/imagi...

You sound like me. It's so nice to be somewhere where people get it

 

[PointlessExistence]

Something I just noticed is you said your daughter is 12. There is quite a bit she can do to help i...

Great suggestion. Unfortunately I've had a lot of trouble setting boundaries and teaching her to take responsibility. And I can't seem to figure out how to get back on track. It should be easy, right? Just start now, right? But it never seems to work. A big part of it is that I notice mistakes I've made with her in the past, and then realizing how difficult I've made it for her, I feel guilty making her suffer now.

For instance, sometime when she was younger I got off track as far as her eating her vegetables. Now she hates them and won't eat them. I try to force her to, but I always cave. I can't help but thinking how it is MY fault that it's so hard for her now and that if I had done things right a few years ago, she wouldn't have this problem. So I have a lot of that type of guilt with a lot of the aspects of raising her, and it's just a bad, slippery slope. We get along well, and she's not neglected in any way, but I really have trouble being the stable influence she should have.

 

[Jules1]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current live...

Maybe it is what you need right now and as you strengthen you may find you want to get more involved in life... healing can take time... frustratingly .. but it is what it is... be kind to yourself...

 

[Pakadlangitok]

It is hard because WE have a conscience, unlike our abusers, so even if we fly off we struggle with it as your post even suggests by even starting it! Yeah, I get mad and stuff, but i also know that I am in NO WAY at all what I would have been. But what if that would have been worse? Just because I was abused does not mean that I would have been good. I mean, I am sure I would not have been a bad person, but what if I had been an average , selfish jerk out for myself?

Because of all this, I am really compassionate and sensitive as I see other survivors often are. AND when I do go off, I always make it right. AND I stay away a lot if I cannot. I read a lot of things like Seneca on how to make myself use Reason and it helps. Would I be taking Seneca serious if I had not been abused? Probably not.

All that said, would I reather have NOT been abused? YES! Would I rather be a regular person, working, doing my thing, ? I have to say probably yes because PTSD is very bad.

It is just too hard to parse it all out and it makes my head hurt. Time for NETFLIX THERAPY!!!

 

[Gs172003]

Great suggestion. Unfortunately I've had a lot of trouble setting boundaries and teaching he...

She's old enough now to understand. She will not like it but eventually she'll catch on. Think about it this way... One day you want her to have a job and to be able to be a good employee. She has to be able to handle authority, responsibility, etc. I know how hard it is especially when they are young. I was the same way.

 

[Stickler]

I appreciate the suspicion that it's not laziness. Little affirmations like that can help a...

One cruise missile costs 1.41 million and only blows up once.

You might end up working someday, and I would rather my tax dollars be spent on you than on more cruise missiles. :)

 

[Rani G2]

Oh, he moved out of my way" and I feel bad for being callous. Sometimes I even think those diametrically opposed thoughts about the same incident. How can I blame myself for being the perpetrator and the victim AT THE SAME TIME?!

I have this thinking pattern when I deal with all kinds of situations, where I dont want to back off, where I fear getting hurt by acknowledging me being the victim and the helpless one. So I tend to raise myself up, showing that I am powerful and superior to that person. But no matter what, this victim-perpetrator dynamic seems to never solve the underlying issue. It has its function, a function created to protect me, but prevents me from interacting in a healthier way.

My T asks me to acknowledge, recognize that process when it comes up. An inner Dialog. Not easy though...

 

[PointlessExistence]

I have this thinking pattern when I deal with all kinds of situations, where I dont want to back off,...

I can see how you never get to the underlying issue, so I know it's not the answer in the long run, but do you at least feel justified? I would love to just be able to assert myself and feel justified afterwards. Instead I end up feeling like I was a bully or that I overreacted. Sometimes, even when someone blatantly disrespected me, when there is no doubt whatsoever that I was right, I'll feel guilty about standing up to him/her. I'll end up remembering all the times that I backed down to other people, and I'll feel sorry for the person I stood up to. So even though my constant compulsion to stand up for myself is troubling, I'd be thankful to have just that problem, instead of also feeling like a villain.

 

[Rani G2]

@PointlessExistence

the justification doesnt happen. It doesnt satisfy, it doesnt in any way make me feel stronger or better. If I can put it that way. Why doesnt that happen? I guess because this repetitive mechanism is something from the past, it has no validation now. When validatation, meaning is missing, how can it in any way be of use? I dont know if this makes sense...
Trauma leaves one behind with parts of your SELF scattered everywhere, parts of yourself trying to control. Control is extremely important, so my subconscious mind tries to activate those parts everytime “danger“ is being scanned. This is what I have been told...