Relationship When it's time to leave

[Heisenberg]

I am in a relationship with a beautiful woman; a beautiful woman who often verbally attacks me. A beautiful woman who I never know how she might react. A beautiful woman who cannot understand how her actions deeply hurt her loving man.

She has CPTSD from many years of neglect and abuse in her childhood. I have always stood by her. Always listened. Always helped her with her anger, fear, mistrust, anxiety, paranoia and confusion. I love her so have accepted that she will turn into a monster every few weeks.

Most recently I hugged her as she was starting to lose the plot because our landlady was being difficult. It was simply a loving hug to show her I cared. But my love sometimes misunderstands such simple things and this time she saw it as a physical assault. I was arrested and spent 7 hours in police cells trying to explain things. About a month later, once she contacted me (having just left without telling me where she went) she was so very tearful and apologetic, saying how she knew I had done nothing and would never hurt her and explained she left me because the landlady upset her. I told her I forgive her and didn't blame her for what happened and asked if she would tell the police (she had already told them nothing had happened but there is a worrying problem with the police here in the UK at the moment).

At that moment another of CPTSD's strangle holds gripped her with immense force and she turned on me and shouted at me that it was all too much and how dare I ask her when I know she is stressed. I calmly reminded her that it wasn't her under investigation by the police! The usual pattern unfolded and she fell back into her habit of blaming me for everything, followed by telling me how bad I was for her, how terrible I am as a human and she would kill herself etc., etc..

She left, vowing not to contact me again.

I have come to the very sad understanding that however much I love her, I must nevertheless leave her. She won't get therapy for her CPTSD and I no longer have the emotional strength to be her punch bag.

I hope freedom hurts less than ripping myself from my lover. But it is something I am doing before she destroys what is left of both of us.

Before I do; does anyone have anything to suggest that might work? I have nothing left to try that hasn't already failed...


Thanks,

H

 

[LittlestBird]

I am so very sorry for you and what you have been going through :(. She is refusing to go to therapy and has become incredibly abusive towards you and, at the point where she is getting you into actual legal trouble, I really hope that you leave and protect yourself. If she isn't acknowledging that she has a problem and that her behavior is abusive and she isn't going to start going to therapy and trying to better herself, then there is nothing that you can do for her. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I would strongly suggest you going to therapy for yourself, though, because you have lived through a traumatic experience in living with her.

 

[Heisenberg]

I am so very sorry for you and what you have been going through :(. She is refusing to go to therapy and has become incredibly abusive towards you and, at the point where she is getting you into actual legal trouble, I really hope that you leave and protect yourself. If she isn't acknowledging that she has a problem and that her behavior is abusive and she isn't going to start going to therapy and trying to better herself, then there is nothing that you can do for her. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I would strongly suggest you going to therapy for yourself, though, because you have lived through a traumatic experience in living with her.

Thanks LittlestBird,

She does acknowledge she has CPTSD but isn't doing anything about it. I have begun to realize that it has been a traumatic time for me but was feeling a mix of despair and guilt which was hiding the trauma itself.

I think you might be right regarding getting help though.

What brings you to this message board?

 

[LittlestBird]

Thanks LittlestBird,

She does acknowledge she has CPTSD but isn't doing anything about it. I have begun to realize that it has been a traumatic time for me but was feeling a mix of despair and guilt which was hiding the trauma itself.

I think you might be right regarding getting help though.

What brings you to this message board?

That feeling of helplessness and guilt for not being able to help someone you love is normal, even when we rationally know that there is nothing that we can do and that we have always tried our best. I guess you could try to get your partner to do individual counseling and couple's counseling with you, if she decides to do some work on herself and the relationship rather than lose you, but the legal action is really worrisome and serious and I wouldn't want to be in that position potentially ever again. If someone could try to ruin your life like that and not take it seriously afterwards, I'd be extremely wary.
I'm here because I have CPTSD (but well managed on my end with many years of therapy and medications) and my partner has combat related PTSD that appeared to be well managed for the first 8 years we spent together, until he randomly threw me out of our home and said he needed space back in December and that he is numb and scared. I have cancer and am in the middle of selling my own house (because we decided I would move in with him and then we would buy a new house together) and it really hit me hard and confused the hell out of me, him suddenly rejecting me and leaving me alone. I'm here trying to understand what to do and what to expect in my own relationship because, while I have CPTSD, I've never isolated or pushed away my loved ones. So I'm here searching for some clarity and trying to make sense of my life and what I should be doing to help myself and him moving forward.

 

[Heisenberg]

That's a hard read! I'm genuinely sorry you're having to go through that

My problem is largely down to being a heyoka empath. It sounds great but for me it is a double edged sword that can make life difficult. I know I need to leave my partner (although she isn't really my partner if she can just disappeared again - particularly when I could use some help) but the problem with being a heyoka is the bonds and connections we make are too deep to respond in the normal way, so even after really poor treatment from someone we still have a deeply seated connection which needs emotional severing. Intellectually I know I must go, but the emotional side will need some kicking first!

Do you have a way forward through all of the things that are being thrown at you?

 

[arfie]

it pains me, still, to say that i have done such to the love of my life. it's all his fault that we are coming up on our 43rd wedding anniversary. a sane man would have lost my numbers a long, long time ago. he certainly wasn't helping me any when he was the voluntary target for my flashbacks, et all. he helped me even less when he was treating me like a do-it-yourself project and constantly trying to "fix" me.

instead of following the examples of sane men, he increased his social distance and gave me lots of room to find my own solutions while keeping his beautiful face safe from my psychotic fists. we have lived apart for many of our 43 years together, supporting me when he was able and taking extra good care of himself when he was not able to be supportive. we are currently working together to raise our 3 orphaned grandchildren on the farm where we are in our fourth year of start up on an LLC.

just sharing. . .

gentle support while you decide what is right for you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Empathy is one thing… allowing her to destroy your life with criminal charges over some nonsense is something else.

She is not stable, and she has no empathy for you. Untreated PTSD is horrendous.

Being a martyr to her mental illness is not romantic, it’s codependent.

 

[Heisenberg]

it pains me, still, to say that i have done such to the love of my life. it's all his fault that we are coming up on our 43rd wedding anniversary. a sane man would have lost my numbers a long, long time ago. he certainly wasn't helping me any when he was the voluntary target for my flashbacks, et all. he helped me even less when he was treating me like a do-it-yourself project and constantly trying to "fix" me.

instead of following the examples of sane men, he increased his social distance and gave me lots of room to find my own solutions while keeping his beautiful face safe from my psychotic fists. we have lived apart for many of our 43 years together, supporting me when he was able and taking extra good care of himself when he was not able to be supportive. we are currently working together to raise our 3 orphaned grandchildren on the farm where we are in our fourth year of start up on an LLC.

just sharing. . .

gentle support while you decide what is right for you.

Thanks for that arfie.

Can I ask what it feels like for you when you are triggered by something your husband?

H

Empathy is one thing… allowing her to destroy your life with criminal charges over some nonsense is something else.

She is not stable, and she has no empathy for you. Untreated PTSD is horrendous.

Being a martyr to her mental illness is not romantic, it’s codependent.

Hi Sweetpea76

I know I must leave her, but I dare not leave until the police decide to drop this nonsense or take it to court in two months time. My reason is sadly one of self preservation; if she gets angry because I have ended things then who knows what she might say to the police. Once this is nolonger an issue I can leave her safely.

I do have one question though: she has her own house which she shares with her 34 year old stay-at-home son (who has caused no end of problems between us with his passive aggressive behaviour and threats to me!). Her other son has drugs issues and gives her major stress. Despite this, when she kicks off she does so only at me. She never seems to lose her shit with either of them. Now, I have children too so it's nothing to do with me not understanding the strength of the parent-child bond.

Any ideas?

H

 

[arfie]

i believe the flashbacks, etc., feel far more intense with my husband than with a random stranger who just happens to remind me of a long gone perpetrator, or whatever. the mere presence of the love of my life stirs far more emotion, in general. one emotion leads to another toward hell as easily as it leads to heaven. the abrupt shift in my own emotions catches him off guard, every time, especially when the trigger event takes place when we are on our way to matrimonial heaven and suddenly find ourselves plummeting to hell. NFF! ! ! no f*cking fair! ! !

 

[LittlestBird]

Do you have a way forward through all of the things that are being thrown at you?

When my partner first rejected me, I felt like I was drowning and couldn't get myself oriented to find the surface, so I went back into therapy to get myself upright and to start to make sense of exactly what the hell happened and to understand that it wasn't my fault at all, even though my partner was grasping at straws to try to blame me for everything that he was suddenly feeling and he was literally making up stories about me. My therapist helped to get me grounded and prepared me for how to deal with my partner in a healthy way that stood up for myself while still being aware of his needs and what he was really going through. I've been very goal-oriented and I'm becoming somewhat detached from him, in a healthy way. I realized that this is my partner's personal battle and there isn't really much that I can do other than be polite and let him go through it and be there when he needs (if I am in a healthy place myself first and able to support him). In a way, my packing to move and having lots of doctor's appointments has been a blessing right now because it gives me something else to focus on and keep track of. It also really helped me to stop idolizing my partner and to take a serious look at him, flaws and all, to realize that he is just a man and an average person and breathe. My partner was who I turned to for most things over the past 8 years and I started turning back towards my other family and friends and got a lot of support and love there. For a couple months, I couldn't do anything but cry and be sick, but I haven't cried in a bit and I'm starting to eat a little bit again and look forward to some things again, like spending time with my nephew. I've stopped so much of the what-ifs, like what if my partner feels better today and asks me to come home? He's sick, he needs space and therapy and medication, and I've realized that I make him too emotionally charged to be helpful to him right now. It's a lot of just accepting reality, accepting what I cannot change, and moving forward, I guess?

Hi Sweetpea76

I know I must leave her, but I dare not leave until the police decide to drop this nonsense or take it to court in two months time. My reason is sadly one of self preservation; if she gets angry because I have ended things then who knows what she might say to the police. Once this is nolonger an issue I can leave her safely.

I do have one question though: she has her own house which she shares with her 34 year old stay-at-home son (who has caused no end of problems between us with his passive aggressive behaviour and threats to me!). Her other son has drugs issues and gives her major stress. Despite this, when she kicks off she does so only at me. She never seems to lose her shit with either of them. Now, I have children too so it's nothing to do with me not understanding the strength of the parent-child bond.

Any ideas?

H

That is so awful, but it makes sense. You definitely have to protect yourself legally, and that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me for any relationship. I would not risk going to jail or having a record for anyone.
My own partner, frequently over the years, would blame me for things that his teenage daughter did to avoid having to deal with the hard task of actually parenting. He has tons of parenting guilt because he hasn't been a stable or present parent, so his daughter can do or say whatever terrible things she wants (she is also on drugs and has repeatedly threatened to kill me) and he still spoils her rotten and fawns over her and nothing can be her fault. The partner is seen as the closest person they can take all of their crap out on while the children are something they feel guilt for and can't ever do enough for sometimes. It does seem like, right now, my partner has also shut out his daughter, though, but he is deep into an isolation and avoidance period.

i believe the flashbacks, etc., feel far more intense with my husband than with a random stranger who just happens to remind me of a long gone perpetrator, or whatever. the mere presence of the love of my life stirs far more emotion, in general. one emotion leads to another toward hell as easily as it leads to heaven. the abrupt shift in my own emotions catches him off guard, every time, especially when the trigger event takes place when we are on our way to matrimonial heaven and suddenly find ourselves plummeting to hell. NFF! ! ! no f*cking fair! ! !

My partner said something similar to me a couple weeks ago. He said he can't have me around right now because I'm "the one thing that makes him feel EVERYTHING and he can't afford to have a breakdown right now" and that "if he saw me, he'd start crying and doesn't think he could stop and he doesn't want to fall apart completely." When you love someone, you are already emotionally charged and primed and when you are trying to get your overwhelming feelings under control, it's hard to have more intense feelings thrown into the mix and having to worry about someone else.

 

[Heisenberg]

i believe the flashbacks, etc., feel far more intense with my husband than with a random stranger who just happens to remind me of a long gone perpetrator, or whatever. the mere presence of the love of my life stirs far more emotion, in general. one emotion leads to another toward hell as easily as it leads to heaven. the abrupt shift in my own emotions catches him off guard, every time, especially when the trigger event takes place when we are on our way to matrimonial heaven and suddenly find ourselves plummeting to hell. NFF! ! ! no f*cking fair! ! !

That's very interesting and I think may have helped unearth something. Although we have only been together for a year we have known each other for over 30 years and always really fancied each other as well as being very close friends. We did lose contact for 20 years though. Our friendship started while some of the traumatic events were still going on and very close, in terms of years, to when other events were happening. Do you think I might be a link to the past by just being me?

When my partner first rejected me, I felt like I was drowning and couldn't get myself oriented to find the surface, so I went back into therapy to get myself upright and to start to make sense of exactly what the hell happened and to understand that it wasn't my fault at all, even though my partner was grasping at straws to try to blame me for everything that he was suddenly feeling and he was literally making up stories about me. My therapist helped to get me grounded and prepared me for how to deal with my partner in a healthy way that stood up for myself while still being aware of his needs and what he was really going through. I've been very goal-oriented and I'm becoming somewhat detached from him, in a healthy way. I realized that this is my partner's personal battle and there isn't really much that I can do other than be polite and let him go through it and be there when he needs (if I am in a healthy place myself first and able to support him). In a way, my packing to move and having lots of doctor's appointments has been a blessing right now because it gives me something else to focus on and keep track of. It also really helped me to stop idolizing my partner and to take a serious look at him, flaws and all, to realize that he is just a man and an average person and breathe. My partner was who I turned to for most things over the past 8 years and I started turning back towards my other family and friends and got a lot of support and love there. For a couple months, I couldn't do anything but cry and be sick, but I haven't cried in a bit and I'm starting to eat a little bit again and look forward to some things again, like spending time with my nephew. I've stopped so much of the what-ifs, like what if my partner feels better today and asks me to come home? He's sick, he needs space and therapy and medication, and I've realized that I make him too emotionally charged to be helpful to him right now. It's a lot of just accepting reality, accepting what I cannot change, and moving forward, I guess?


That is so awful, but it makes sense. You definitely have to protect yourself legally, and that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me for any relationship. I would not risk going to jail or having a record for anyone.
My own partner, frequently over the years, would blame me for things that his teenage daughter did to avoid having to deal with the hard task of actually parenting. He has tons of parenting guilt because he hasn't been a stable or present parent, so his daughter can do or say whatever terrible things she wants (she is also on drugs and has repeatedly threatened to kill me) and he still spoils her rotten and fawns over her and nothing can be her fault. The partner is seen as the closest person they can take all of their crap out on while the children are something they feel guilt for and can't ever do enough for sometimes. It does seem like, right now, my partner has also shut out his daughter, though, but he is deep into an isolation and avoidance period.


My partner said something similar to me a couple weeks ago. He said he can't have me around right now because I'm "the one thing that makes him feel EVERYTHING and he can't afford to have a breakdown right now" and that "if he saw me, he'd start crying and doesn't think he could stop and he doesn't want to fall apart completely." When you love someone, you are already emotionally charged and primed and when you are trying to get your overwhelming feelings under control, it's hard to have more intense feelings thrown into the mix and having to worry about someone else.

Did you ever feel that he was using the PTSD as an excuse? I know we shouldn't think like that but after yet another verbal battering and being told to leave again, I have sometimes thought so...

Her stay-at-home son has been making things far worse as he doesn't want to leave home and have to get his own place! He is so scared of her leaving (We moved in together before the landlady annoyed her so she attacked me!) as he potentially would have to face moving out.

 

[LittlestBird]

Did you ever feel that he was using the PTSD as an excuse? I know we shouldn't think like that but after yet another verbal battering and being told to leave again, I have sometimes thought so...

With my partner, no. He was in the military for 20 years and did multiple deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia. He experienced the usual "don't have PTSD or we will discharge you" crap and "don't take any medicine to help any of the PTSD symptoms we have given you or we will discharge you" bullshit. They even denied him PTSD as a disability when he retired, even though it was in his chart and what he went through would give anyone PTSD. He really just had to shove down all of his trauma and it was bound to come to the surface eventually. I was stupid for thinking for so many years that he was surprisingly well adjusted instead of being more suspicious of how well he appeared to be handling so much trauma. We were in a great place where he was very excited about me and us buying a house closer to the ocean. He was delighted and moved my things into our home together. He was really proud of himself for a bunch of changes he had made to himself and he was genuinely happier than I'd ever seen him for most of last year up until November. He's always gotten triggered and kind of depressed around Christmas, but this year was obviously the worst it has ever been. I think that my partner is genuinely hurt and suffering and confused and he's asking for space to try to "unf*ck his head" as he told me. I believe him when he says he can't handle the strong emotions that I bring out in him and that he is terribly confused and overwhelmed. It doesn't excuse how he has hurt me, but he hasn't tried to use it as an excuse either, he knows that he has hurt me and that I was "an innocent civilian casualty to his effed up head," as he phrased it. It's of little comfort to me and my loss and how my life has exploded, but I get it. I also have a lot of compassion and patience with him because he IS going to therapy and trying to get on medication now. If he weren't trying so hard, I don't think I'd speak to him at all. I know how hard it is to go to therapy and do that work and, if he does do the work, he can start to regain his footing, and I hope that he does.
On one hand, I have CPTSD and I've always said that I will never abuse someone like I got abused and I have taken that really seriously. I don't lie or raise my voice or try to hurt anyone verbally or physically, and I make a real effort to be understood and to be polite and to explain myself if I do say something that gets taken the wrong way. But I am a people pleaser and I fawn instead of fight or flight or lashing out. I get it, though. Yesterday I got so frustrated from a pile up of negative things happening to me that I punched myself in the arm hard enough to break the skin and it's bruised and swollen now. I turn my anger and issues inwards and a lot of other people turn it outwards. It's the same thing, just directed differently, and people call me good for not hurting other people, but it's the same hurt inside and it's coming from the same place as someone who reaches their tipping point and lashes out at their loved ones. Disappointments and frustrations build up and feel catastrophic and deeply confusing and overwhelming to someone who is struggling with their mental health. My straw that broke the camel's back yesterday was getting a stale sandwich delivered from a food delivery order, which turned to this in my head: "Nothing ever goes right for you and nothing ever will. You can't count on anyone. You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up about anything. You are so stupid. What a waste of money. You shouldn't be eating anyhow. You should disappear. Now you have to deal with reporting this order and you can't even think. You're so crazy. It's so noisy in your head. How are you going to get anything done ever? Nothing good is ever going to happen to you again. You're better off dead." That's how quickly things spiral. It wasn't about the sandwich; it's that I'm lonely and I have cancer and I'm depressed from what's going on with my partner and I have a ton of stress from moving that I'm trying to be positive about, and I keep having flashbacks to my childhood home and hearing things, but the sandwich was the last disappointment that my fragile mind could handle for the day. It's hard for anyone to understand what's going on in another person's head or how close they are to falling apart at any given time and a lot of times it'll seem like something trivial happened and a person with PTSD lost it over nothing, but it's a buildup to that loss of control.
That said, none of it justifies abusing someone else. If the person with mental health issues isn't going to therapy and taking their medication and working on themselves, then that is on them, and they don't ever have a right to hurt the people who love them and who are trying to support them. I refused to put up with my partner's verbal abuse and gaslighting that suddenly popped up and I wouldn't want anyone to put up with any kind of verbal, emotional, mental, physical or sexual abuse.