Relationship When To Let Go And Walk Away?

[dulcia]

It's another bad day. He's in his "angry zone" and trying to talk to him is like trying to reason with a 3-year-old. All I get all day is criticisms -- I didn't wipe the counters right, I talked too much while the TV was on, I took too long looking at something in the grocery store...

These criticisms and complaints weren't so bad when there were compliments or nice things sprinkled in with them. But now the nice things are gone. I am writing this to keep myself from texting him, because no matter how calm, polite and non-accusatory I am, he fires back with a list of how annoying I am.

Maybe this is a combination of unmanaged PTSD and being on no meds for the last month. Maybe this is the culmination of an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe this is just the end of a relationship. I don't know but I don't know if I can try anymore, let alone be the only one trying. All of my actions are wrong, none of his actions (or words) are ever wrong. Everything mean he's said to me I've deserved. The jabs keep coming and coming and he hardly ever snaps out of it anymore...

Don't want to cry at work. He's so mean when I cry. It's hard having to play happy when you have this emotional train wreck waiting to happen speeding down the tracks at home.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

He sounds emotionally abusive.

If he cannot change his behavior I urge you to walk away.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

I can't handle people who criticize everything. It's emotionally draining. I dated someone who complained 24/7 about anything and everything and couldn't take anymore after just a few weeks.

:hug:

 

[Finleyac]

It's another bad day. He's in his "angry zone" and trying to talk to him is like trying to reason wi...

Tired Texan, I feel your pain. You recently commented on my thread, so hopefully you can slightly remember where I'm coming from right now. You told me that it was reassuring to hear from other people in a similar situation. I can tell you I'm feeling like I'm in a completely different place now. I have decided that I'm not going to make any decisions right now about whether I'm leaving or staying, but instead I'm focusing on taking care of myself. I'm going to fix what is broken in me and he may choose to come along for the ride and work on himself so that we can heal together, or he may not, but I cannot make him do so.

Have you read any of the books people have recommended on here or watched the video series that is posted at the top of the supporter section? I started with Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Love One's PTSD that I saw mentioned in a post. After that, my counselor loaned me The New Codependency. Having all this stuff in my face that seems like its written about my life is quite the eye-opener. While I'm not sure I'm into all that 12 steps mumbo jumbo, when my husband is being a jerk I am choosing not to take everything so personally (and chances are I'm going to go read whatever book I'm working on and it will help me work it all out in my head). When he is not doing what I want him to do I am not doing it for him because I am his wife not his babysitter.

I in no way want to make you think that things are going perfectly (we have a marriage counseling appointment at the Vet Center next week so we'll have to see what happens there), but I can tell you that this work I'm doing feels like its fundamentally changing the way I react to him. I set a boundary and although he reacted like a 3-year-old, I was able to continue on my way feeling stronger in myself. While I am still not feeling the intimacy I will ultimately desire, I choose not to obsess on his behavior, or allow it to dictate how I feel.

 

[Gs172003]

This might help understand some

 

[dulcia]

he may choose to come along for the ride and work on himself so that we can heal together, or he may not, but I cannot make him do so

I do remember reading your post :)

I have not yet looked into any of the suggested resources, but I do have them saved in my phone for when I make the time. I have started working on not taking things personally, speaking more directly/clearly/to the point, and talking less sometimes. I still need a bit more practice with not engaging when my SO has an episode, but I haven't had the chance because there hasn't been any episodes or outbursts since I've been making a conscious effort! 8 days and counting!

I choose not to obsess on his behavior

^This. This is what I ultimately struggle with. That is what ultimately leads to the anxiety, self-doubt, jealousy and other ugly things.