why do i feel like ending a perfectly healthy loving relationship?

[littlestars]

I'm finally in a healthy, "normal " relationship that's loving and supportive, we never argue. And that's because we want the same things and if not we compromise. Anyway, I keep having urges to be mean to him for no reason and he hasn't done anything wrong. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with him, but I really don't want to because I love who he is and we get along so well... everything is just there that's good. I get frustrated. I am not sure if this is self-sabotage or intrusive thoughts/feelings... ??? II have no idea. Please help.

 

[arfie]

"self-sabotage" is among the many names i have for this psycho tick. other names i have for it are:
rejecting before i can be rejected
fear of entrapment
feelings of inadequacy
losing myself in relationships

by whatever name, i've been married for 41 years and still feel like breaking up with hubby (adult children and store clerks, too) on a routine basis. i typically channel the feeling into the self-care of taking some personal time and space to work on my own, strictly personal issues.

for some odd reason, i find myself surprised at the connection to "intrusive thoughts/feelings." now that you have me thinking on the connection, i wonder if i could simplify that entire psycho snot knot as a byproduct of intrusive thoughts/feelings. intrusive thoughts/feelings can go anywhere, logical or knot.

 

[coraxxx]

What I have found is that when we went through though times we sort of keep an imprint of the cycles of aggression/peace. I do treat these moments as actual flashbacks of having to defend myself or to fight for not being abandoned, and testing boundaries. Of course it's bad for a relationship. Do you have a therapist? Could you talk about these urges and understand where they do come from more exactly?

Gentle hugs. Happy for you you're in a good relational space. It feels odd at times since our normal is the abnormal. Our responses aren't always adequately adapted to healthiness, but we can learn.

 

[grit]

It seems to me there are thoughts/feelings that you are luckily aware of and then there are behaviours that you are also luckily aware of. What is missing from my vantage point is connection between the two: The feelings/thoughts and the behaviour. I think mostly likely a good therapist can help you bridge that. In the meantime, can you use language to describe your state to your partner. Something simple but sharing pieces of who you are: similar to I love being with you but sometimes I feel frustrated that is not related to you at all so I do not want to do something rush and may excuse myself. I hope you understand this is not about you....if you feel safe and secure in the relationship and the other person is willing to know you - the real of you.
To me at least, I am often conscious of my thoughts but I am also conscious how my actions or thoughts may spill out to those around me so I express in more factual ways so also by saying it - I am taking the inner power to overwhelm me to a sort of physical level to sound/words/expressions etc. I find often actually by saying it and hearing it myself cures me my ills but if I keep all these bubbling frustration, I just explode at the most obscure thing and I got too old for that fast!

If unable to do that then go to therapy and break the shit down.

 

[Survivor3]

What do you feel that is missing from your life? Maybe your feeling frustrated about your life because you need a new hobby or outlet and this has nothing to do with your relationship which as you say is actually really good.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hey there @littlestars . So many supporters come here and ask "why does my sufferer push me away "? You may be the first survivor to ask why you feel the need to push someone away ?"

Head over to the supporter threads and you will see how "normal " it is.

It basically comes down to the added stress of a relationship. Even a healthy relationship is stressful.

Glad you found us.

 

[Tinyflame]

I once heard it said there is no such thing as self-sabotage, only the effort to get to the equilibrium of what we know, and if what we know is abuse or neglect we will self-fulfill it. In a strange way to feel better, the sense of security of the familiar, and probably what we feel we 'deserve'. So I do think it involves intrusive thoughts, and beliefs, and history.

rejecting before i can be rejected
fear of entrapment
feelings of inadequacy
losing myself in relationships

^^ To these i would add what is also felt is better for the other person's welfare, and to ensure (we) cannot be known also.

for some odd reason, i find myself surprised at the connection to "intrusive thoughts/feelings." now that you have me thinking on the connection, i wonder if i could simplify that entire psycho snot knot as a byproduct of intrusive thoughts/feelings. intrusive thoughts/feelings can go anywhere, logical or knot.

^^ I can only say too the Inner Critic, in a Big Way, which is also the voice of others (in a Big Way).

Really agree with @LuckiLee .

Idk, but I read something unrelated to relationships that may help. All relationships are different of course, and we might say anyone/ everyone is in a sense ~replaceable (which doesn't sound very nice but could be true). However what I read was, ~'we each have a unique existence, and we all influence people in good ways that we alone can do.' If we allow ourselves to, is the big part for many of us here, I think. (JMHO)

I hope you can be gentler on yourself. My relative once said, we've been through so many bad things, that's the time to have a breakdown. Not over the good things.

 

[Freddyt]

Because PTSD lies to you. That stupid panic circuit that got tripped into the permanent on position? It interprets everything that comes in through it's Fight Flight, Freeze filter first.

In short terms, you get dysphoria (opposite of euphoria). In some people this comes with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Translated it means every time you hear something from your SO and overthink it enough, you find something that stresses you enough you convince yourself you are being rejected.

Doesn't this just keep getting more and more fun?

Before I knew what this was I talked to my wife of 34 years and told her to be brutally strait with me. No messing around. No hints, suggestions, or any of that. Just tell me. (I am a man after all and hints don't work well to start with.) Because if you hint and suggest and whatever in the next 2 minuets my brain creates a worst case scenario. To top it off if in all my overthinking I think she hinted in any way that she rejected me? Not good. Over nothing.

It has made life much easier where she is concerned. Way less stress. Less overthinking and catastophizing that because I forgot to put my shoes in the closet she's leaving.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, that's amazing @Freddyt . Never heard of such a thing/ connection. And I think more like a man, too, though I'm not one(!)

Thank you from me. Hope it helps @littlestars as much. Personally I'll have to come back to re-read, hard to believe ptsd lies I guess?

 

[Freddyt]

And I think more like a man, too, though I'm not one(!)

Well, I for one took @Rosebud to mean the bud of a beautiful flower and not a sled.

I was just talking to my wife about it and it was like a light bulb went on there too. She knew about the plain talk part but the rest kind of slid a piece of the puzzle together for how I act and why.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @Freddyt , you are sweet, and made me laugh!

Yes well that is me, too, in the way you describe it. Or also not just rejection but something awful coming down the pipe!

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about this, not sure if it resonates with @littlestars ; I think (for me) it is also about questioning my own positive perception of reality. That is, when I feel it is positive, I question if I'm correct/ don't trust it/ fear that my percetion is wrong.