Why do people leave chat without saying good bye

[Sweetleaf]

I often get distracted, or triggered by something either in the chat or in my environment, or all sorts of things, and just leave, not meaning to be rude, but just wanting to get myself to stop feeling anxious/panicky/whatever else, or trying to not think about things.

Or someone posts a thread, I see it pop up in the chat, I open it in a new tab, read their post, and start like writing a reply or just get lead to other posts or distractions. I'm also a very distractable person, sometimes it's not even stuff on my computer distracting me. Sometimes it's like, my cats or something like that, or the people I live with, or my musical instruments. I'm a space cadet.

Usually when using my laptop, if I'm not gaming, I have half of my screen showing an IRC channel I use, and the other half showing my web browser, or whatever other stuff I'm doing on my computer. Sometimes I have half the screen split into quarters showing different things, and the other half is just one thing. I usually have like a zillion tabs open. More realistically, between 3-7 tabs, but sometimes much more.

I'm usually multitasking, participating in more than one chat at once, when I'm in chat on here. Sometimes I get fully absorbed in and pulled into the chat, sometimes I say I'm heading off, other times I just kinda vanish - there are no bad intentions in it, it's just me getting distracted or what not.

 

[Muttly]

Let's see, when in chat, I typically say goodbye but there are times I haven't....

• I think at least once, I lost my internet which isn't entirely reliable.
• Mostly, if I don't say goodbye it's because I got up to do something "real quick" and then realize 30 minutes later (or more) I was in chat. And then it would feel really weird to go in and say "bye" since chat has move on without me and I am probably not even sure who I was chatting with. What if I go say goodbye and it's not even the same people. Also, by then there's a good chance I'm running late for work or wherever I need to be.
• I am triggered and have climbed up the triggered chain that I literally can't say anything
• The conversation seems to be happening without me partaking and in my head, interrupting to say goodbye is rude and/or attention seeking behavior

 

[blackemerald1]

I wonder why people don't check out of chat? I wonder if you think about how that makes people feel that have abandonment issues? J

I think you can see from the responses that there are a multitude of reasons why people leave chat without saying announcing they are going to do this.

I don't think about how that makes people with abandonment issues feel. I don't know who has abandonment issues.

Does it make people with abandonment issues feel worse...really?

If real life gets in the way of a chat session the chat session will lose. That is not meant to be a reflection on the value of people in chat.

Or maybe it is just my problem and I need to deal with it.

You know what...^^ I think so. I'm not trying to be harsh or blunt here. But I think you are reading too much into it all.

 

[Skywatcher]

I think that chat is frustrating. I am really sensitive about feelings and when I know that I hurt someone in chat by not being polite or leaving because my kid needs me or I get distracted in a post, I will then ruminate that I am a bad person for hurting someone’s feelings. I have attachment and abandonment issues as well, so I feel what you are saying. I get really frustrated with the pace of chat if there aren’t enough people in it, or too many. I have gotten used to some chatters patterns of behavior and just expect some to disappear mid conversation. Because I know how you feel, I try to let you know if I am staying or going, much like my T does stuff for me because she knows my issues. I think that the more people get to know your feelings or needs they will be sensitive to that, but new people or people that don’t care will continue to be as they are and that is OK. Maybe once they have the small groups we can be in one of those. Like a social group for people with old school manners... the kind that aren’t typical to the internet raised generation of people, lol.

 

[EveHarrington]

...I think it’s about not taking offense when other peoples actions have nothing to do with you.

 

[Anana]

It is not much of offence. Just one more situation when you feel that you are abnormal and not adaptive to the society rules (I talk about only myself of course)

 

[Esterio]

Hi Sideway

"But people here experience ptsd in a tonne of different ways. So, for every person who has abandonment issues, there’s another person struggling with a pervasive belief that “I don’t belong”, or “No one really wants me here”, or (and on and on)."

That is I am afraid the out come I do not feel I belong here I am here as I am having troubles and I thought this site was about support and caring for others feelings. I don't really see it that way much any more. Checking out is just a curtesy I have things happen and have to leave also and if I leave unexpectedly I message the person and let them know something happened. sorry most of you don't see it that way and others want to make jokes. This hurts me I'm sorry.
Peace be safe bye

 

[somerandomguy]

Hmm. @Esterio, I apologize for not taking this thread as seriously as I probably should have. It's very clear to me that this issue bothers you very much and I should not have made light of it. I will certainly try to do better in the future and I hope you give us another chance.

 

[Muttly]

Hi @Esterio I am really sorry you are struggling so much with this and that some people are making light of such an important issue for you. I do understand your pain. I will certainly try to say goodbye.

I do think someone brought up an important point. There are cultural differences around what is courteous or polite. Among the people I text or message with in my life, the vast majority end the conversation without saying goodbye. This used to bother me, but I've come to accept that the cultural rules around those forms of conversation, which I suspect would extend to chat, are that you can just leave.

I think part of what @Sideways was getting at is people's needs and abilities are going to be different.Just as you really need to hear that goodbye and are able to say goodbye if something in real life causes you to leave chat, others may need to slip away quietly and may not be able to say bye for a whole variety of reasons.

I think people are responding to the title of your thread, where you ask "Why" and answering that question may not be what you need at this point. What do you need?

 

[Neverthesame]

For what it's worth. I wasn't joking, I am a lousy conversationalist.
While I said it in a way that was "light hearted". I really am not good at serious conversation. As evidenced by your reaction here.
Sorry if I came across disrespectful to you @Esterio, not at all my intent. I hope are able to find the help and support you need, either here at a later date, or somewhere else in the meantime.

Truly wishing you the very best. Take care of yourself.

 

[shimmerz]

Nope, not going to fall for it. I understand @Esterio that this hurts you deeply. Healing is about working on that pain. And working on that pain doesn't mean expecting people to accommodate whatever this is with you. So let's be realistic. If what you are asking is that everyone be expected to do what you need them to do and it becomes a rule that everyone needs to say goodbye while in chat - how would that look?

Is there a statement in bold large font saying 'everyone must say goodbye if leaving the chat room?'
Or is there a broadcast put out that says 'everyone must say goodbye if leaving the chat room?'
And let's not stop there.
Let's tell everyone that they need to say 'hello' too. Not Hi or Hey or any other variation on a theme. It must be Hello.

And then how is that enforced?
Are people banned if they don't conform?
For 1 day - for 3 days - or permanently?
3 strikes you are out?
So maybe there is a report button in chat that allows us to report someone that doesn't say goodbye?

We can't dictate to others what they must say. That is a total freedom of speech basher. I have no interest in having anyone dictated to. Do you?

And let's take a look at the drama in such a rule. What if people have issues (like one of my peers) in SAYING goodbye. She has freaking SI every time she says goodbye. So how does that work out? Who says who is right or wrong?

I understand you are hurt. Anxious. It brings up feelings maybe of dismissal. This was a big one for me for certain with this issue. Or maybe it is something else. But the problem is that that is something within you that needs to be attended too. You need to work on that with a T. You need to poke around and see why the sensitivity.

It is wrong in my opinion to have an expectation or a feeling of entitlement that there is a requirement for others to be forced into expressing something vocally when it isn't authentic to them. That's manipulative.

I am sorry for your pain. I have felt such in my own ways. But hear me on this please - this expectation of yours and then running for the hills when it doesn't work out the way you want it to is not at all okay. That is a pattern that you have learned and it is in your own best interest if you work on it pronto.

I wish you well and much peace. I respect your bravery for bringing it up. That must have been hard. Be well and I hope you stay and fight whatever this is. It would be a great loss if you left.

 

[Deleted member 47384]

I'm wondering if this is a generational thing. I've grown up using chatrooms and group chats, and it's common for people to pop in and out without saying goodbye. Typically, no one says goodbye unless they're in the middle of an active conversation and are suddenly called away - sometimes the conversation just pitters out and people will become distracted by something else.

Online chatrooms have different social rules then, say, a phone conversation or meeting face-to-face. It isn't rudeness, it's just a different means of communication.