Relationship Why do people with ptsd expect you to just know?

[Recovery4Me]

Sometimes it becomes easier to blame an label (such as PTSD) for the relationship falling apart. However the union of two people, or even the mindset of one is more than diagnostics and symptoms. So perhaps be gentle on yourself as you try to emotionally support her during this time.

It takes two for it to work. As @Justmehere suggested ....see if she is open for marriage counseling and that of individual trauma therapy. PTSD is many things but we are more than our symptoms...much more.

Best of wishes for you to find your happy ending or at least some peace.

 

[Someonelikeme]

just wont to repost what I said in my first topic I posted on this forum

1. My wife has a individual Phychologist and has seen numerous Social Workers over the years and is seeing one now. Maybe 3-4 weeks ago my wife finished 5 week 5 day a week out patient therapy.

2. I have been seeing a individual Social Worker for probably 14-15 months now

3. We have been seeing a marriage counselor for probably a total of 8 months.

Signs let's start from the begging from 3 months ago to know.
I will post all the signs that you guys can actually understand with out being there.

1. She told our friend I don't understand PTSD and that's why she talks to people online for support

2. I texted her a few times when she was in out patient therapy. She texted "Stop texting me. Please give me time to get better your harassing me". She made her brother a mediator after this text.

3 The whole 5 weeks she was in out patient therapy she only texted me twice.

4. The only other time she texted me while in therapy she sent me a birthday text. The text was very nice, but sounded very much like a good bye letter and never said I love you.

5. When she texts me it sounds very friendly and never says I love you. When she texts me half the time she replies. Other half her replies have nothing to do with what I texted her or she does not reply.

6. The week the therapy was over she called our friend. This is what the friend told me she said. " My therapy is over ." I'm going back to work. " I learned how to control my emotions" I don't know if I can handle a marriage right now and I don't know if I can continue this marriage".

7. She put my calls on reject for like for 6 weeks now. When she saw me almost 3 weeks ago for marriage counseling session she told me I can text her,but she will only reply if it's important.

8.When I saw her for our last counseling session I asked her why I have not been taking her to her Social Worker appointments and other places etc. she said I don't want you to. She asked other people to drive her.( wife can not drive)

9. At the last marriage counseling session my wife said I make her feel unsafe. The consular said I feel consuling would not work right now and you guys need a break from counseling. She also said I don't think your wife wants to be doing this right now.( we see a new consular because the other one got a higher position in the organization)

10. The marriage consular asked my wife and I come by our selfs one time each, she said some times people will say things when their spouse is not around.

11.When we got to were she is staying she told me "please do not text or call me anymore".

12.I told my Social Worker what's going on and he told me " I'm like a guy standing on the side of the road looking for a hand out and I'm not getting it.

These are the ones I can tel you without actually being there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Being a supporter sucks because you have zero control. You can do all the right things. Go to counseling, therapy, know everything about PTSD, say and do everything perfect AND be the most loving person in the world... it still won't matter if your partner isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship.

I don't think there is much of anything you can do now. If you're still dedicated to the marriage you could give her time and space while she is going through all this and be more patient.

Both people have to want to be in a relationship in order for it to work.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I've been in your shoes more times than I would like to admit. It's devastating, confusing, lonely and you feel a desperation that overwhelms you . . . And your constantly scratching your head and wondering what you did, where you went wrong and quite frankly . . . What the he'll just happened.

My only advice for you is to give her the space that she desires and needs. Don't pschoanalys her. Don't suffocate her. Don't try and figure out what went wrong. Take this time to help yourself. Learn everything you can about PTSD. Do things that bring you happiness. Continue your counseling. Get emotionally stronger mentally, physically and spiritually. Build your self esteem back u that has been torn down by PTSD and don't allow it to destroy anything else in you.

Your wife can not control that raging PTSD episodes that highjack her but you can. We as supporters tend to do the wrong things out of love. I've learned it's best to back off, respect their boundries, allow them the space and time to heal. When we push (Even in a calm and loving way) we tend to push them further away. We aren't their therapists, we aren't their saviors, we don't have the answers to their trauma. . . We can't fix or heal them, nor should we try.

All we can do is respect them and their bounderies. Give them support when they ask. Sometimes they feel closer to us when we sit silently by happily in the distance.

Since I've learned this, I seldom trigger my suffererer and for a long time I thought I was his trigger. I just had to learn to let go and stop working on him and work on me. Su

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’m currently in a shut out with my ex partner who is a sufferer. He stop communicating with me right before Thanksgiving and it got even worse when I attacked him for being sneaky and suspicious. As @A concerned spouse mentioned, sometimes we says things out of love that we may not mean. I’ve learned that I can’t fix him nor can I make things better for us. I’m still getting used to ptsd and the different dynamics that come with it. I don’t know when or if I speak with him again or if he even feels safe with me any longer. All I know is that I love him and since learning even more from this forum, I’ll do anything I can to support him.

 

[Someonelikeme]

the week she finished Therapy she called and asked if I wanted to go back to marriage counseling and I said yes. I was surprised she even asked. Till we went to counseling a few days later she still answered my text even if it sounded friendly then loving. We went to counseling and it seemed like a normal season. She told me when we left counseling she's going to leave my calls on reject, but I can text and she will reply if important. 2 days later I texted I want to do what ever it takes to make this marriage work and learn as much as I can about PTSD. After that text it seemed that she realy started to ignore my text or reply with something unrelated. On the way to counseling last Tuesday everything seemed happy. I asked can I tell you what I learned about PTSD and she said yes. Told her and everything seemed fine the rest of the ride. Then the confusing Counseling season and later on the ride back please do not text or call me anymore. Not a word from her in 6 days.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Counseling and therapy are hard... give her a little space and respect her request. Seriously... patience is going to be your best bet.

 

[EveHarrington]

Cuz much of the time we get so wrapped up in our own little world that it’s hard to see anything beyond ourselves. Life is a 24/7 effort to keep symptoms down and there isn’t much room for anything else, like considering someone else’s view or feelings or thoughts or ideas or....you get the point.

I offer this as a possible explanation, not an excuse. It’s possible she doesn’t even realize she’s not able to see beyond herself. I know I still get that way, forgetting that others matter, too, because I’m so busy concentrating on “me”.

 

[grimalkin]

When my ex and I were in couples counseling, counseling did more harm than good (mainly because he wasn't in treatment himself and I didn't know PTSD was an issue). We could have some genuinely good days at home, and in counseling everything was the opposite of what was happening at home (and I was wrong about everything).

Then, after our sessions, when I felt like I'd been socked in the gut, he would get anxious because I would need a few hours alone to process what just happened (IE, claiming in counseling that we'd never even had the good conversations at home, he was on the verge of hating me, etc). And then things would calm down and be good at home, he'd be back to being sweet and using pet names.

It was maddening.

 

[Snowflakes]

When my ex and I were in couples counseling, counseling did more harm than good (mainly because he wa...

Oh my......I often wondered about that. I actually did not look forward to couples counseling because, in that hour, I would be relentlessly accused of things that my sufferer totally believed and I knew was untrue. Every session was, as you described, a “sock in the gut.” Finally, our counselor discontinued couples therapy to work only with my sufferer. The therapist described it exactly like @EveHarrington described in her post above yours.

By discontinuing couples counseling, I was able to get off that roller coaster and my individual therapist is helping me.

Yes @grimalkin It was, and still is, quite maddening.