Why Do Sufferers Try To Push Away Their Loved Ones?

[CCurry]

Thanks Helena and yes I can totally connect the two together, it makes sense to me.

I'm trying to feel positive today but to be honest I've moved the box of kleenex onto my desk this morning. If he was triggered by the smell of gunpowder then that's easy to avoid a shooting range but if the source of his trigger is me and my love for him and his guilt towards not being here for me, I feel it's utterly hopeless.

 

[SpringRain]

Hi again CC - I also think it's important to realize that it is possible to work on triggers. Please don't think it is utterly hopeless. I could not handle the concept of being loved at all - and yet I have been married for ten years now. I am currently in therapy and one of the things I am working on is my triggers - how to cope with them and handle them, and even how to alleviate them. I know it must hurt so badly to think you are a trigger - but my husband and I think of it more not as him being the trigger, but the feelings that can come up. Like Helena said, my husband was never a trigger for me, love was. I know this still hurts, but please remember it is not you - it is a very real brain injury called PTSD.

I am sending you healing thoughts that he can work on his triggers - and that you will keep that kleenex handy and use it as you need to because you also need to grieve and take care of your emotions and hurts. They are very real and valid also.

With peace,

Rain

 

[helena]

CC, it can and will get better.

Soldiers have a lot of guilt but your BF is in therapy and is working through these issues. I know that it is hard for you so I don't want to say anything that makes it worse for you. It kind of helped me to know why things happened because I could deal with it better but, yes I understand, it is a lot easier to understand 'gunpowder' or 'bullets' as triggers rather than affectionate words or gestures.

I am so sorry that you are crying over this CC.

 

[Andre]

I wonder sometimes if this tendency to isolate and push people away isn't just perpetuating the negative impact of all this. What I mean is the goal is to live with this, so part of that has to be having a goal of living. No man is an island, or woman for that matter. So, while it can seem logical from one side as people dealing with this on the deepest level, for everyone else around us they are justifiably hurt by it. Of course safety is important, but beyond that extreme situation isn't isolating from others who care about you counter productive? There must be ways around this at some point. I think maybe self-work sometimes needs to be shifted for practical purposes like this. That doesn't mean to stop it, just to recognize the greater problem and what it takes to resolve it. Does this make any sense?

 

[CCurry]

Of course safety is important, but beyond that extreme situation isn't isolating from others who care about you counter productive? There must be ways around this at some point. I think maybe self-work sometimes needs to be shifted for practical purposes like this. That doesn't mean to stop it, just to recognize the greater problem and what it takes to resolve it. Does this make any sense?

Hi Andre,

Thanks and I quoted the above because only someone with ptsd can answer the isolation being counter-productive comment. From a carer's point of view I would say yes BUT isolating and ptsd has nothing to do with "we" as a couple, like many carer's in my situation I'm pushed aside right now so this isolating is about him. Actually there was a thread earlier about the difference between isolating and withdrawing and after learning the difference I've figured out that he's not so much isolating as withdrawing.

I know he still cares and even though he's really suffering right now, we are still somehow part of his life. It hurts to see him holding his head, stroking his head to soothe his emotional pain, the trick is finding ways to support him without making him think that he's causing us distress for what he's going through.

 

[growingpains]

I am someone with PTSD who can answer the isolation as counter-productive comment. It feels like I am suffocating if people care about me are too close when I am isolating. I can take the smallest comment or criticism as a personal attack and am very easily frustrated. My pain surfaces as frustration. There is no way around this--I cannot help that I feel this way when triggered and under stress. It is not impractical for me, it helps me get through it. I think it is counter-productive to try to tell someone that they are wrong to do whatever they need to do personally to feel safe. Isolation feels like safety for me when I need it. I see it more as protecting my love ones from my hurt/pain rather than not isolating and sharing all of my pain with them. Does that make sense? I hope it at least gives some clarity for how it is on the PTSD side...hope others will chime in on how their personal experience. We all "suffer" differently.

 

[CCurry]

I think it is counter-productive to try to tell someone that they are wrong to do whatever they need to do personally to feel safe. Isolation feels like safety for me when I need it. I see it more as protecting my love ones from my hurt/pain rather than not isolating and sharing all of my pain with them. .

Hi Growingpains,

Oh I totally agree with you which is why I've never asked him if its okay to pop over his place that he rented away from our home because I am aware that this is his safe place. I never thought of looking at it that way "protecting my loved ones...." but now that you said it like that I shines a new perspective on it.

Even though I as a carer may not understand that concept of having a safe place doesn't mean that I personally would not respect it.

 

[Jimmy]

Hey CC,

I am a sufferer and am actually struggling with this very situation right now, but the other way round.

Some days I would love to have someone doting over me, telling me they love me and having their children running around the house, making noise, and playing games, yet others I just want to lock myself in my room and be alone. And for me, there does not have to be any triggers or stressors, I can just wake up feeling that way. The reason to me why I lock myself away is so I do not hurt my loved ones. I have even gone to the stage of turning all my phones off so I don't offend anyone.

I am a single father to a 12 year old boy, so as you can imagine he goes through a living nightmare himself some days. No matter how I feel though, he always has access to me, and that in itself is a real challenge sometimes. But I am fortunate to have him.

As for my GF, although she says so, I really don't think she understands the nature of the beast, or maybe it is just me not letting her know how I feel.
So this morning I handed her an article Anthony wrote on this site. It is in the carers section. Here is the link to it. [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/content.php?r=306-Understanding-PTSD-Edited[/DLMURL]

Hope this can help

 

[CCurry]

Hi Jimmy,

Thanks for the post and I was happy to hear that your little 12 year old still has access to you, I think it's really important for your little guy.

I actually have that same article saved on my desktop, I've emailed to his parents because they have never seen him like this. In the past he's always pushed his parents out of his life and now they are starting to understand why. I am their link to him for the time being.

 

[Annicus]

I am exactly the same way as he is. Its hard for to hear or say certin things. The guilt is a horrible monster as well as the worthlessness. Its hard to explain something that you can't seem to control or even begin to understand. For me itd easier if people are angry with me, rather than them being hurt or feeling guilty about the way I am feeling. At least he apologized though it shows that he didn't pull back as far as he could of.

 

[Mayhem]

CCurry,

PTSD is a demon. You are being pushed away to keep you and the kids out of danger. I will explain.

Some of us that suffer from PTSD have different things that we deal with, one of those things being "blind rage." The smallest thing can and does set us off. In that "blind rage" we do and say things that we would not normally do. Once the rage has past and the mind is clear we see the aftermath of what we have done. Which makes us feel like crap for hurting those close to us.

Yes that aftermath sometimes includes hurting the ones closest to us. And I am talking about physical.

So when a suffer pushes you away, it might be they don't want to hurt you, mentally or physically. They do it because they really deep down love you and don't want you to get hurt.

When an animal is hurt or in pain, it lashes out and attacks those trying to help it. The only difference is that humans can verbally tell you they are hurting and they want you to go away.

I hope this sheds a bit more light and helps you to understand us a bit more.


Mayhem

 

[Tessa]

We often lash out at those closest to us because we know it is safe to do so. Only in unconditional love can a person truely express themselves and their frustrations.