Why Is Sex So Difficult Sometimes?

[Joe Geraci]

So I have tremendous anxiety when trying to initiate sex.
Heres why:

My father molested me and forced me to take showers with him. He's taken pictures of me, accused my mother and her side of the family of molesting me. He was the one dooing it. He also took me to hospitals and left me there so i could be examined to see if I was molested. At one hospital they swabbed my anus for semen. I remember this all. He brainwashed me multiple times so that when I would describe my night terrors, he made it so I would relate the characters to my mom and her family. Strengthening his argument. The abuse stopped when I hit puberty, when he saw that i was growing pubic hair.


So I've been living with my boyfriend (of nearly 2 years) for just over 5 months. I just have the hardest time initiating anything sexual. I feel like I make it obvious with my kissing; like making it gradually more intense. My boyfriend doesn't see it as me initiating, apparently. We've talked about it a few times but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes he even knows I'm in the mood, when I'm trying to kiss sensually; and then he just stops kissing me for one moment to see what I do. So I basically kiss his relaxed lips. When he does that I almost take it like he's playing with my emotions, like my father did. I get anxious about this all. I tried talking to him about it but it just doesn't seem to work. I don't want to bring it up because I feel like if I talk about it again then he's going to say or think its for attention. I don't want to waste his time.

I'm very comfortable around him, but this just trips me up. And I want to give up on sex, even when I might want it. Its easier for me to take care of it myself than to try and initiate sex. idk what to do.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Have you talked to a therapist about this or found any books about it?

Developing a healthy view of sex after sexual abuse is hard and it takes work. Allow yourself to relax and go slowly. There really is no rush. It can be scary opening up to another person after you were hurt that way before. Give yourself time and in the mean time, it's time to educate yourself.

 

[Joe Geraci]

I haven't seen a therapist since December 2012, I'm currently trying to find one. I feel a rush because I tend to compare myself to everyone else and how they are. This just throws me off, when I uncover little issues, because he's the closest I've ever let a male get.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You may want to work on negative thinking styles: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/posi...that-helped-change-my-negative-thinking.5950/

Just the first thing that came to mind when reading your post.

Take care.

 

[Emma13]

Could it be that because you haven't healed over what your father did that maybe your mind is telling you "you're not ready yet"?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please try to not compare yourself to anyone else. Yes, I know this is hard.

I had a friend who's abuse was eerily similar to mine. One day he said to me point blank "Solara, we were abused. We will never have a normal view of sex." Yes, this sounds quite harsh, but I found it to be quite comforting. He was telling me that it was OK to have issues of sex because we were abused as children and had things done to us which no child should ever have to endure. It was as if he said "hey, it is OK for you to have this struggle"

Yes, I still have my issues with sex, but knowing that it is OK given what I have been through, I am able to obsess about it less. I am able to see it for what it is----a result of the abuse rather than a shortcoming of mine. I am able to accept this part of me, and because I am able to accept it, I am able to work through this issue just a little bit easier, rather than pushing it to the side all the time as I have done in the past.

Does your boyfriend know that you were abused? Are you able to talk to him about this issue? Can you tell him what bothers you during intimacy? I know it is hard to bring these things up. But, I think it is important for our partners to know the do's and don'ts of intimacy.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Kefira]

But, I think it is important for our partners to know the do's and don'ts of intimacy.

I find this to be true, as well as encouraging open communication. I cannot accurately predict what may or may not be okay all the time. So I have to speak up when I notice things are going in a bad direction for me and see if they can be helped at all and I also have to rely on my partner noticing things like dissociation or unnatural tension.

I still struggle with it often, but it's helpful to communicate this and bring it up somewhat often. I've had partners in the past who assumed I would magically get better and sex would be normal, which set up unrealistic expectations. I've also had partners who assumed I was better somehow because the communication stopped and ended up hurting me further because I was unable to explain what was happening to them.

 

[Barconian]

To have a good sexual relationship takes a lot of time, understanding, trust and patience.

In most relationships there is one chasing and one running... especially if they have opposing lobedo's

 

[Everhopeful]

I recently started reading about our personal "Lovemaps", ie how each individual develops their unique set of wants and needs in regards to intimacy and sexuality. There is also such a thing as a "Vandalised Lovemap", ie those who were violated, sexually abused in childhood.

Not having been allowed to develop freely in this way, but having been violated by another as a child and having been so imposed upon by the sexually deviant ways of an adult (your father), it is totally understandable that your Lovemap has not allowed you to express yourself freely sexually as an adult.

Therapy would be really good for both you and your partner to understand all of this and find a workable solution for you both.

 

[Joe Geraci]

Ayesha: Yeah I definitely agree with you, I can be more positive. Sometimes I have to let out my negativity. I don't think its healthy to keep it inside and ignore my emotions/ideas. I really liked that link, by the way.

Emma13: I can totally see that point too, my mom has even asked if I think that I'm externalizing what my father did to me. So sometimes I'll lose confidence in how far I've come along this road of recovery and the road of self discovery.

Solara: He knows my whole life story, I have been able to talk about these things a few times. I've just had times where I was very confident about my recovery, and I remember those times/emotions (that ah hah moment). And when these waves of memories and thoughts come back, I'm thrown off balance. I can and I have told him what I'm not okay with, and he's done the same for me too. We respect each other quite a lot. What your friend said

"Solara, we were abused. We will never have a normal view of sex."

really hit me in a sincere way. My one best friend has such a similar situation and we are like brother and sister. but back on topic, he said something similar and it meant a lot.
We actually just talked about this all, and I feel better. We made progress. These past few weeks I've had too many moments that I'm just tired of dealing with this all. I have the hardest time reaching out to him for help.

Kefira: I just clarified that the one thing he does really throws my mind for a spin. He listened and said he will stop. I believe him. One thing I've noticed is that if an issue isnt taken very seriously then others find it difficult to take it seriously. Every time Ive brought it up in the past, it was kind of in a "thats so annoying, why must you do that" but today/yesterday made it clear that it reminds me of my father and the mind games he would play.

Everhopeful: I'm definitely going to read up on the lovemaps. I already agree with it. To him, my way of trying to initiate doesnt mean the same to him. I have this issue because my father personally taught me that manipulation and coercing someone is the way to initiate intimacy.