There is so much here in this thread that chimes for me, and so many pieces I would like to quote. Unfortunately, I can't get the quoting thing working properly on this iPad.
Suffice to sayI feel like a fraud much of the time, and paradoxically the worse my symptoms are, the more I think/believe I am just making it all up, am just actually mad rather than suffering from the results of early trauma.
It's a particularly invidious process that robs me of my own truth, worth and humanity; I suspect I'm pretty hard to live with.
Working with my T, who has nearly 40 years experience in treating/healing complex trauma, l can even persuade myself that she has somehow put this into my head, because she is invested in seeing abuse everywhere, and that I am, actually, just over-sensitive and suggestible. And, of course, just plain mad. Problem is that I have at best only fragmented memories, accompanied by a suitcase full to bursting of CPTSD symptoms.
That's why
@rascal 's post chimed for me
I have a hard time piecing together the facts of my past. I've repressed so much over such a long period of time, I have huge gaps in memory. I also have a pretty active imagination, so that doesn't help either.
I can remember being told as a child that I had too active an imagination. Classic.
And
@Mafia_Science 's point below really rings a bell for me...
My symptoms feel like an exaggeration sometimes, like what really happened wasn't bad enough to cause all the symptoms.
...often feel I am making a fuss over nothing; much worse things happen to other people and they don't fold and crumple at the slightest stress. I know intellectually this is a pretty cruel and heartless self-view, but it's part of the armoury of negative self-talk that seems to pursue me day in and day out recently.
