Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[jems]

The texts that hurt the most is when he says he "can't make himself wanna be in a relationship" and "he's just going with how he feels" and "how he hasn't had one anxiety attack since we stopped talking"... this is third shut out - and the LONGEST. This one hurts the most by far though because he finally opened the doors inside. He even tried to be polite about it. I think he might be done. The only hope that I have left is that he's never asked me to stop texting him and says we're still "friends". I think it's guilt, idk. We have had the best summer- weekly overnight trips to the amusement park and have been doing a lot of other things together. I'm supposed to go to a concert with him Thursday, and now I'm paranoid he'll take someone else since I'm no longer invited. Why? Because I pushed too hard this time. We never put a plan into place (boundaries) if this were to happen. He just used to say "I always come back." He deleted me from facebook when I tried to reach out to his mom. I'm feeling so sorry. I couldn't keep it together this time. He "trusts" me and I think I broke it. He seems numb now. Totally numb. I can't believe I said I was going to start seeing someone else. A month ago he would've been shocked, and now he's ok with it? Why would he not care and tell me I deserve to be happy with someone else? This is a man that would be jealous if someone were to look at me wrong. He really pulled further away when he realized he "hurt me" and told me he didn't wanna hurt me anymore. (I'm all over the place because it's total chaos in my head right now. I've been having impulsive melt downs and anxiety attacks for 3 weeks, but they're lessening. I can't watch TV, struggle through most music, can't eat certain foods, and I've lost 14 lbs. in 3 weeks. Everything triggers anxiety so I avoid it like the plague.)

He did therapy before I met him, and went to one or two sessions after. He started taking ativan for anxiety and ran out. He doesn't give me updates on anything since the shut out. (As opposed to 20-40 texts a day beforehand or I'm with him.)

I feel I'm losing my best friend.

 

[JM318]

The texts that hurt the most is when he says he "can't make himself wanna be in a relationship" and "he's...

It sounds all too familiar. Mine says things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you, you deserve better than me, I can't give you my all right now" the list goes on and on. I would take a look at the stress cup (it's on here or you can just google it) it'll make you understand what he is feeling. We've had these periods of isolation probably 3-4 times in the last 2.5 years, mostly because he denied PTSD at first and is very stubborn and refused treatment until now. He told me he's starting therapy for me/us and that if it wasn't for me he probably wouldn't. I told him that shows how much he values our relationship and he said he does. I try not to get all wrapped up in the uncertainty. I know deep down in my heart that if it's meant to be he will always come back. Just the fact we were separate for 6 months and he never let go shows me we have a deep connection but his symptoms are getting in the way of having a stable relationship. So I've just learned to be patient and even though it seems unfair, I give him the space he needs, and I think he appreciates that a lot. You can't push or snap your fingers and everything will be fine. I'm in this for the long haul and I'm not giving up on him. I would do as everyone says and give him complete space to work through his symptoms on his own without you, for now. I always had to tell myself, if I sacrifice this for right now, in the end he will come back to me, but if I don't I'll lose him forever, and that gave me motivation. I've pushed and asked for answers (in the past) and I know being confused and having so many questions can haunt you but from my personal experience, he couldn't give me answers that he didn't have answers to, so it's best to just be okay with living in the unknown for a little while and let things work itself out.

 

[Endure]

The texts that hurt the most is when he says he "can't make himself wanna be in a relationship" and "he's...

OMG. Your story sounds so much like mine. Same type of mistakes and same type of guilt. We are acting like any normal woman would in a relationship, but these men don't react like a normal man would. It's so hard to know what to do. I tried reaching out, but he wouldn't respond. We never had a "breakup" conversation, so I was in a state of limbo and trying to fix things like a normal couple would do. I know I should have given him space and gone silent, but that's not who I am. I fight for the one I love. I've had to give up on him. It's been 5 weeks since I've spoken with him and 2 weeks since I last contacted him. I continue to work on myself and learn about him by reading books on PTSD and men in general and going to counseling. If he does come back I want to be ready for him. If he never comes back, I guess I will be ready for the next man.

 

[jems]

he couldn't give me answers that he didn't have answers to

that statement stood out to me... That is EXACTLY what he said.

I just think I pushed too hard, and I can't let that go. I just can't. I'm willing to quit pushing now. Since he's the one carrying so much guilt for hurting me as he says, I'm hoping that my last text yesterday will reverse that feeling. I'm the apologetic one. I'm the one that's sorry. I'm the one that feels guilty, and I said all of that. Believe me, he handled this break better than the other times, and I handled this SO poorly.

I have the stress cup memorized! It doesn't change the fact that I pushed too hard, told him I was gonna start seeing someone else, started a huge fight (as he would call drama and questions). I fear losing his trust. He made a big deal because he said he "trusts" me a few months ago. Trust doesn't come easy for these guys. I did everything wrong, and broke all the unspoken boundaries. :(

 

[JM318]

that statement stood out to me... That is EXACTLY what he said.

I just think I pushed too hard, and I ca...

We've all pushed hard, it's what any normal girlfriend would do in our situation. Like I said don't beat yourself up about it, you can't change the past. Educate yourself on PTSD so you understand it better and I think that will help tremendously with coping. Every day is different for me even now, some days I'm positive and other days drag me down.

I also was stuck and I couldn't decide if being his friend was better or not being his friend. We broke up and had to see eachother during our class we took for the semester. Some days I didn't speak to him even if he said hi and other times I did speak to him. It's so hard to go through but I think if I didn't have to see him I wouldn't have talked to him at all. I felt like I was clouding his judgement with him being confused himself. I wish I had the chance to just disappear so that he can figure things out for himself and not come back because I was "convincing" him to, you know? I didn't want to be on bad terms with him, or wish him harm, I just didn't want him to "have his cake and eat it too".... But this was before we really knew about PTSD. I think in any situation it's hard to be friends when you were always more than that. Also, it was hard to stay friends and not ask for answers or how he's feeling and that always leads to another conversation where he doesn't have answers and you get upset and then feel worse.

 

[jems]

We've all pushed hard, it's what any normal girlfriend would do in our situation. Like I said don't beat...

Stress cup has become my PTSD bible and reminder. I have many family members with PTSD. I updated that in my profile.I have been reading about PTSD for nearly one year. Everything goes out the window when emotions take over. I just feel like sh*t... speaking of sh*t...

I do have a question...

When I text him that I felt I lost my best friend, etc... He replied with "You don't lose friends... sh*t just just changes around you." I have no clue what that means. Anyone?

 

[jems]

We've all pushed hard, it's what any normal girlfriend would do in our situation. Like I said don't beat...

I did the "friend" thing with him last time. I handled it so well too! That lasted for about 6 weeks, and I even went on to date someone else, just as he told me to. We stayed in contact throughout, and slowly but surely he came around, and the jealousy started kicking in for him. I ended that other relationship and went back to my vet. He later threw it in my face several times (but mildly). My response was "You told me to date someone else." Even though it drove me insane last time, I respected him 100%. I think it was much easier to deal with because he for 1) didn't "love" me and 2) we agreed that we were not a couple .... even though our actions didn't say that at ALL. It was the unspoken relationship. He bought me a diamond ring for my birthday last year and a bar set for Christmas. That's just a small, but significant example. At first, he knew I didn't want anymore children, and that bothered him. Our relationship took HUGE turns starting this past April/May. We grew significantly closer. I know all of his bad habits, took care of him when he was sick and vomiting, he shared some of his skeletons and his strange beliefs about life, religion, earth, and war. I met his parents, he trusted me, he loved me, and even had a conversation once about raising a child together (but we were drunk) and I think that conversation made him think more seriously about me tbh because he said "that changes everything". I have 2 kids that are grown, and he has none. Just before this break, I promised I'd never hurt him. Now I'm beating my head against a wall. Sorry, but I just can't forgive myself. I don't know if he ever will either. The guilt is eating me away.

 

[JM318]

I did the "friend" thing with him last time. I handled it so well too! That lasted for about 6 weeks, and...

I'm not really sure by what he meant, don't try to analyze it, although I'm sure you will. I would stop texting him altogether.

And same with me, we broke up for 6 months and I tried dating a few men, he knew about it and eventually said "I don't like to think about you sleeping with other guys" and told me he didn't sleep with anyone in 6 months. A week later he asked me to dinner to talk. One of the guys I talked to was also a veteran and my veteran told me something along the lines of "stay the f*ck away from veterans" type of thing... I think that was a reflection on himself being broken. In our good times he's told me "you make me a better man, how did a crusty old veteran get so lucky" (meanwhile he's 27 ) anyways just focus your attention on something else, I literally exercise and run at the lake everyday and focus on school and just signed up for a hip hop class (I was never able to go as a kid and I LOVED to dance, my parents can never afford to pay for the classes.) so do things for you bc all you can do now is be patient and leave him be.

 

[jems]

You and I have so much in common... the guy I was seeing last time was a vet also during our break, and my vet was concerned that he knew him. He always told me not to see anyone that he knew. He also asked me to dinner to talk and that's when we rekindled things, but slowly. I also LOVE to dance. It's been hard to listen to music at all. We spent SOOOO much of our down time listening to music, and watching videos. Seems 90% of the music I listen to reminds me of our time together. I start freaking crying and/or panic attacks kick in. I've been slowly trying to listen to music, but I can't seem to make it through more than one or two songs. The reason I am applying to volunteer IS to try and take care of myself. Hip hop class actually sounds like a great idea. I'll definitely keep thinking about that one. The problem is I keep getting overwhelmed by everything. Feeding my cats is even overwhelming, and I have completely shut everyone out of my life except my Dad and my son who's in the Navy, and I don't even want to talk to them sometimes. I'm nearly isolated from everything. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I ignore most texts, calls, and my heart is just gone. I'm so resentful of life in general.

I never understood how leaving them alone is better. Sometimes I think leaving them be makes them isolate more. They may feel abandoned, because most people don't take the time to try and support/understand what they're going through, and finally walk away. I'm thinking that all of his past failed relationships were due to his PTSD, but he's never admitted that. He once said "I always f*** things up" regarding his relationships. So how does leaving them alone help? I know that space is important, but how much is too much? He was REALLY upset that he hurt me this time and thought that ignoring me was preventing me from hurting me anymore (which makes no sense to people without PTSD). I don't want him to feel too much shame to the point that he decides to move on. You know what I mean?

 

[JM318]

You and I have so much in common... the guy I was seeing last time was a vet also during our break, and my...

Yes I do, I am also scared that he will walk away because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore :/ I'm leaving him alone, but he also knows that I love him and I'm supporting him from afar and respecting the space he needs, we have that understanding so he knows I'm not just abandoning him, plus time and time again had proved that I'm not just going to be deceitful or go be unfaithful, I've never been that way (except I dated when we were officially broken up) so I guess everyone's situation is different.

 

[Silver.]

you two are both saying things that don't seem ptsd as much as not wanting to be in a relationship:

he says he "can't make himself wanna be in a relationship" and "he's just going with how he feels" and "how he hasn't had one anxiety attack since we stopped talking"..

Mine says things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you, you deserve better than me, I can't give you my all right now"

I might be wrong (and it would be good if I was, so you might want to seek an opinion from other sufferers) but these are not PTSD statements. These are statements that say "I don't want to be with you anymore" "things are better for me without you around" (ie: no panic attacks)
What is it about these statements that both of you are wondering relate it to PTSD? If your sufferer didn't have ptsd, how would you see the statements?

 

[jems]

Yes I do, I am also scared that he will walk away because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore :/ I'm leavi...

Then I guess you've got one up on me. That comment I made about seeing someone else is gonna stick with him. But he did in fact, end the relationship. Still. I don't think he meant it. I believe it's the PTSD talking. I really do. He's 2 different people on "breaks".