Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[jems]

My vet has never asked me for no contact. I would never agree to that because I don't have the patience tbh. The longest I have ever went without speaking to him is 7 days, and that was MY choice when I was trying to wean myself away from him (clearly with no success). We've went from dating to friends, dating to friends, and this time he began to call me "his girl" just before pulling away... only took him nearly a damn year. "Space" to me means light contact, no visiting until he feels ready, and no harassing type of questions while they are trying to fight their demons. (I broke the last one multiple times this time around.)

So... I'm obviously feeling a little better since I did get a text. Nothing significant on the surface of the text, but I have a pretty good strategy at getting him to communicate (when I'm calm). Through a picture and taking the "guilt" off of him and onto me. So he replied to the pic, and not to my apologies. That's his way of letting me know he forgives me.

I still have a long way to go with him, and this doesn't solve anything really. It just took so much pressure of me for the fighting and pushing I've done the last few days. I felt and still feel terrible for driving him through the roof when I know he's already suffering. It's not personal, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

 

[Tinyflame]

No it really isn't usually personal, unless there is broken trust or major changes in belief about the person or the relationship.

As to the original question, yes it's very possible to not be able to conceptualize a future or being there (alive/ existing/ a reality) for one (JMHO).

 

[JM318]

No it really isn't usually personal, unless there is broken trust or major changes in belief about the p...

I texted him yesterday to let him know to reach out once in a while so I know his heart is still with me. He started therapy 3 weeks ago and his response back was "in all honesty Im starting to realize I'm happier not having been with you, I haven't had an outburst in weeks". I haven't responded. Our relationship for 2.5 years has literally been all push and pull. He may not feel stress from the relationship now but then he'll miss me when I'm gone and pull me back in. I think once he gets deeper into therapy and he realizes what his triggers are and how to lessen his symptoms maybe he would be able to have a stable relationship. But I'm not answering him back, at this point I'm just tired of all this shit.

 

[Endure]

@JM318, I'm sorry this was his response. ((hugs)) I hope you don't take it personally against you. I wish he had worded that differently. I think it's clear this is more of a case where he is not capable of having a relationship with ANYONE. I don't know what his military background was, but as I explained about my vet, he was trained to shut off emotion and push away thoughts of those he cares about when he is in a fight or flight situation. What would be everyday stresses to us will trigger that response in them.

I really don't believe my vet is out looking for another woman. I believe from things he said near the end and watching his activity on FB that he has shut off his family and is staying in the safety of his military family. With what you have explained about yours, I wouldn't be surprised if he also realized he needs to stay away from any relationship because it triggers these responses. I'm sure his counselor is advising the same. Believe me I know how hard it is not to take things personally. I have to keep remembering the words of my counselor. He is not capable of having a relationship. I could have done everything right in this situation, but there would have been something else down the road. You know you are capable of loving someone. You deserve someone that is capable of loving you back in a healthy relationship. I know we all wish we could have that with them. Maybe someday down the road when they have done their personal work they will think back on us a regret how they handled it. I hope we all hear from them again, but we have to keep moving forward with our lives.

 

[jems]

I texted him yesterday to let him know to reach out once in a while so I know his heart is still with me....

@JM318 how frequent is therapy? My vet has said similar things, i.e., sort of blaming me for his anxiety attacks, and that's when we usually end up being just friends, but then comes back around to the relationship. When my vet pulls that far back, I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that just KNOWS that when it's time for him to have a relationship, that it won't be any better than with me (for him). Only you know that about yourselves. I agree that he'll come back around. It just seems like a huge burden for you to wait. Do you live close to each other? You might have posted that already, idk.

 

[jems]

I deleted everything I wrote here because I know it's too much, I went off on a tangent for you... I'm sorry @JM318 that you're going through this.

 

[EveHarrington]

@jems

Please read more about PTSD in order to understand why people with PTSD need space.

Also, not every person wants 24/7 contact, even without PTSD.

If the need for space doesn't suit you, then there's nothing wrong with moving on.

I think maybe you should work on radical acceptance instead of flying into a furry at the idea that other people need space.

 

[jems]

@jems

@Dead Link Removed Please read more about PTSD in order to understand why people with PTSD...

I wasnt talking about me EVE, I was talking about people needing absolutely NO contact and referring to @JM318. I'm feeling so bad for her that she is having to go through this. I don't think you read my post thoroughly. My vet has never asked for zero contact. Why "zero" is my question?

There are times I don't feel like talking to my vet and he doesn't feel like talking to me. That's not PTSD related, which is fine with me. I just think it's unfair for someone to ask for them to wait for so long not to talk AT ALL for weeks and months at a time. It just makes it more painful for the carer and it is unfair to ask for that. I just seem to be seeing a pattern of people asking for these extended periods of complete silence to only be told the worst. Space is great: not complete silence. (My father, daughter, and boyfriend all have PTSD.)

Again, I was not referring to myself or my situation.

 

[Endure]

@jems, are you talking about isolating, or if the man actually says "don't contact me"? I have seen here isolating means letting them have their space until they come out of their cave, but them never really saying "no contact". When my vet isolated once with me it only lasted 2 days. He did it while in Afghanistan and he wigged out on me, ignored my messages and then completely blocked me on FB. When he came back to me 2 days later when he arrived in the states he explained why he freaked out. It was never really about me, but just that he couldn't handle the stress. I welcomed him back in a loving way. I ran into his arms and kissed him...which is the whole "Men are from Mars" way to handle it when they come out of their cave. He did say he thought I would hit him as soon as I saw him, so I now wonder if I should have made him work harder for me :/

When a man says "no contact" it typically means A. I'm done. or B. I need to figure this out and I'll contact you if I decide I want you. This is where it's hard with these men because it could be PTSD and his struggles with relationships, or he could be acting like a normal guy who realizes you're not the one and doesn't want to talk about the relationship anymore. My vet never said "don't contact me", he just didn't respond at all leaving me in limbo. At the beginning of our argument he said "if you hear from me than that is that", but then he softened and apologized, so I assumed that was just his initial anger. I really did think he would come around.

 

[JM318]

@JM318, I'm sorry this was his response. ((hugs)) I hope you don't take it personall...

Yes, I know. I was kind of breaking up with him during his breakdown a few weeks ago, I just couldn't handle him pushing me away again, and he said he wouldn't be dating anyone for a long time if we didn't work out. That doesn't mean he wouldn't sleep around and although he didn't when we were separated for six months, I don't think I'd ever take him back if he did. Anyways, I guess I just have to move on and hope for the best. Hard to move on when you love someone but that's life I guess.

 

[jems]

I wasnt talking about me EVE, I was talking about people needing absolutely NO contact. I don't think you...

When a man says "no contact" it typically means A. I'm done. or B. I need to figure this out and I'll contact you if I decide I want you.

That's exactly what I was getting at.

 

[JM318]

Yes, I know. I was kind of breaking up with him during his breakdown a few weeks ago, I just couldn't han...

I agree I don't like the no contact thing either. And we've tried talking about communication and he admits he has a hard time with it but can never seem to fix it. Usually I can tell when something is going on with him and then it lasts weeks until finally he breaks up with me. That's happened twice. We broke up for 3 weeks, then a year later for 6 months. This time around we had been talking about therapy, I can tell he was pulling away, then he had his first breakdown, then he started therapy and I told him to focus on that. There was no breakup but also no contact. Then he sent me this message saying he's happier being alone. And I've heard that from him before. He gets angry at how the world is and doesn't have the capacity for anything so he's in his bubble. And I know he is because his mother told me last week she hasn't heard from him and he lives across the street. I think the fact I reached out saying it would be nice to hear from him was stressful for him since he's safe in his bubble. So you're right he's not capable of having a relationship. Same thing when we broke up before and he came back 6 months later. I'm not sure if he is talking about our relationship in therapy, I doubt that's the focus. So I just didn't respond I can't even handle this anymore. He's going to come back one day and it'll be too late....