Sexual Assault Did my ex rape/assault me with bdsm?

[minirini]

Involves somewhat graphic descriptions of sexual acts.

I'm wondering if an ex-boyfriend of mine raped or assaulted me 3 years ago. About 8 months into our relationship, he texted me, saying that he wanted to try BDSM, which had been a fantasy of his. He didn't mention anything specific about his fantasies, just asked if I was okay with anal sex, and I said I was willing to try it, though it wasn't really my thing. Since we'd never done anything in the past resembling BDSM, including role-play, I thought that he and I wouldn't be doing anything extreme, so I texted yes. Perhaps I should've asked him to clarify what BDSM for him meant.

So on the night we agreed to try BDSM, he and I went over to his apartment. To my shock, as soon as we entered the apartment, he just proceeded straight to knocking my head against the wall, slapping me, lightly strangling me, and ordering me to do things to him. He had never mentioned that he would get that violent. Since I had been raped about 5 months ago at a party (he didn't know about this rape), I was terrified speechless. We never had a safe word. He ordered me to give him a blowjob, which I complied with since I didn't know how he'd react if I said no. He seemed like a different man altogether; I didn't know if I could trust him to back off. I had difficulty breathing and wanted to stop, but I couldn't extricate myself since he held me tight to him and I was pressed up against the wall.

After what seemed like forever, he then yanked me up roughly and marched me to his bed. And then he stripped me, blindfolded me, and had anal sex with me. Again, I wonder if technically I could've said no or fought back, because I didn't. I was too frightened. The whole experience was completely unexpected and uncomfortable. I honestly don’t know how long I lay there, bound and blindfolded, and praying for him to just please finish with me and let me go. When he was done, he untied me, lifted my blindfold, and kissed me, thanking me for letting him act out a fantasy.

I wonder to this day if it was "just" an unfortunate case of miscommunication or crossed wires. It was certainly traumatic enough that I didn't remember it for about 2 years. I agreed to BDSM, so technically I consented, but I didn't agree to his version of BDSM. He never discussed his BDSM fantasy in detail, just asked about anal sex. Then again, if I asked for clarifying information, perhaps this whole thing never would have happened. I could have said no or fought back, but I didn't.

Then again, I feel that since this whole thing was his idea, not mine, he should have been more open with me about what his fantasies were, and run me through what he wanted to happen. During the BDSM, since he was in the position of complete power, and he knew this was my first time with BDSM, he should have checked in with me at various points throughout the whole thing. He may not have intentionally coerced me and hurt me, but the fact is that he did. He traumatized me.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Do you not feel that accountability plays a role here? You didn't establish any rules prior to the act. You agreed to the act without understanding what it entailed, in his mind. As far as I can tell, you didn't tell him at any point that you misunderstood his intentions.

I think you both erred, but how can you call it rape?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Even though you were afraid, there was no way for him to know that, since you agreed to a fantasy where fear may be part of the game. A good life lesson on communicating what you want or don't want before the act.

Of course, this scenerario is bringing me back into my questioning of my own rape. Damn it. I didn't say no, I was afraid. I guess, maybe the difference is that sex wasn't really on the table for us. But this just shows how gray and complicated all of this crap can get.

You said that you had been raped before. Can you compare and contrast the two situations? That is usually what I have to do to re-realize that, yes, I was raped the first time, but not the second.

 

[minirini]

I certainly feel that accountability plays a role, and in various ways we both made mistakes. Like I said, I should have asked him for clarification and established rules. That was pure ignorance or negligence on my part. On his part, he should have made sure I fully understood what he meant, and since he was the initiator asking me to try something new, he should have asked me how I was at various points throughout the whole experience. I think the whole idea of being "carried away by lust" is bullshit. I've had partners who were very sexually aroused, but still made sure to check in with me, and I did the same for them.

Again, I'm not saying that it was all his fault, since there were things I could've done to prevent this from happening.

As to why I didn't tell him at any point that I misunderstood his intentions--I was terrified. He had never been this violent ever in the past, and we never did any sort of role play that could've prepared me for this. I was so frightened that I couldn't get a word out, let alone say anything coherent. Many people aren't able to speak when they're afraid of being hurt or feel trapped, which is what I felt once he got me into his apartment. Keep in mind that I'd already been raped once and still hadn't processed that rape yet. He used enough force to frighten me: knocking me against the wall, slapping me, yanking me around the room, etc. I thought he would hurt me if I was able to say no.

Yes, I could have told him afterward that I misunderstood his intentions, but I was scared, completely confused, and still trying to recover from what had happened. I couldn't pull together a clear thought, let alone a sentence.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

That may not have been a good time to agree to a game without rules.

 

[minirini]

Even though you were afraid, there was no way for him to know that since you agreed a fantasy where fear...

My first rape was when I got very nearly pass-out drunk, and a coworker of mine (birthday boy) led me up into the bedroom and made me perform oral sex on him, and then he had (painful) intercourse with me. I didn't have much of an idea what was going on, I was dizzy, and I couldn't even walk straight. I was very drowsy and about to pass out when the rape occurred. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. It's a gray area, I agree, but I wasn't able to consent due to incapacitation by alcohol, so it is rape.

As for this BDSM incident, again it is a gray area. Like I said, I should've communicated and asked for clarification. Then again, no matter what the sexual act, which in this case is BDSM, there should be ongoing consent and either partner theoretically should be able to say no at any time. He used enough force to scare me into being unable to say no. This wasn't just light, teasing pushing around or being slightly rough. This was knocking me into the wall of his apartment, slapping me in the face, and ordering me to do things to him. When I tried to pull myself away from him during oral sex because I couldn't breathe--and prior to this BDSM incident, a slight nudge would have been enough for him to get the message--he forced my head back down again. After the oral sex part, I felt like I couldn't really get out of the situation, so I just complied so I could get the whole thing over with.

 

[Friday]

I tend to enjoy rough sex, which is miles away from the highly structured and codified world of trust & control that is BDSM.

The moment he smashed your head into the wall -risking concussion, brain damage, & death- the whole thing was over for me. That's about 1,000x worse that getting someone blackout drunk. To be frank, I seriously wonder whether your lack of memory of the event -and inability to talk, think, etc.- has more to do with TBI than sexual trauma.

He didn't have a BDSM fantasy. He had a "Beat my girlfriend up with no consequences & f*ck her in the ass fantasy".

 

[minirini]

That may not have been a good time to agree to a game without rules.

I didn't even remember I had been raped about 5 months prior to this BDSM incident, so I acted as if I had no prior history of sexual assault. In retrospect, yes, it wasn't a good time to walk blindly into BDSM.

 

[minirini]

I tend to enjoy rough sex, which is miles away from the highly structured and codified world of trust &...

I don't think my lack of memory was due to TBI. He certainly could have given me a concussion, but he knocked me into the wall just enough to shock me. I think I "forgot" it because I didn't want to believe he had hurt me like that.

 

[anonymous]

No,it was not rape or assault,you agreed ahead of time without questioning what exactly was going to take place.

I went through something similar with my husband,I agreed to things ahead of time without asking about specifics.After it all began I freaked out,panicked,screamed and he stopped what he was doing to me.I don't blame him or question whether I was raped or assaulted because I said yes ahead of time.That was all on me,my own fault and I accept full responsibility for what happened and how it turned out.

I'm sorry you weren't able to say stop during the experience but that's not on your ex,that's on you.It's not right to agree to something and then try to blame someone because it wasn't what you expected.

 

[minirini]

No,it was not rape or assault,you agreed ahead of time without questioning what exactly was going to...

That's the thing, though: when you freaked out, your husband stopped. When I tried to pull myself away from him, he forced me back down again. I'm pretty sure that counts as coercion.

As for the ability to say "no" or "stop," that gets very tricky. Someone is able to say "no" only if they feel secure or safe enough to do so. If someone is scared enough--and this is what happens during traumatic events--they won't be able to speak. Could I technically have said "no"? Of course--my larynx, mouth, tongue, teeth, and brain were working. Could I have said "no" while I was being knocked around, slapped, and ordered? Clearly, I wasn't able to say "no" because I didn't feel it was safe to do so.

Again, I'm not denying that I should've asked what exactly would be taking place, and I'm not denying that I agreed to BDSM. Was it my fault that I put myself in the situation? Yes. Was it my fault I didn't ask for clarification? Yes. I take responsibility for that.

But was it my fault that I didn't feel safe enough to say "no" or "stop" because of fear and being coerced into performing oral sex? No. He was in charge and he had the responsibility of making sure he didn't actually hurt me or scare me to the point of being speechless. Responsibility cuts both ways.

 

[anonymous]

It's interesting that you agreed to BDSM,agreed to anal sex and are now wondering if it was rape or assault and are trying to point a finger at him for how things went.

Think about what you are saying here.You agreed.Without knowing what to expect.It would be different if you agreed to just have sex and things went as they did,but that's not what you agreed to.

I personally don't feel he is to blame and I'm not going to try to argue my point.Hopefully you learned a huge lesson from this and won't put yourself in that kind of situation again.