Sexual Assault Did my ex rape/assault me with bdsm?

[WishfulThinking123]

But was it my fault that I didn't feel safe enough to say "no" or "stop" because of fear and being coerced into performing oral sex? No. He was in charge and he had the responsibility of making sure he didn't actually hurt me or scare me to the point of being speechless. Responsibility cuts both ways.

I agree that you shouldn't feel bad or guilty or blame yourself for not saying no in that scary situation. I can also definitely see how this event could have been traumatic. However BDSM has a lot to do with fear, pain, etc... There are also a lot of levels! My x husband liked to force me to do things and tied me up to the point of leaving abrasions...and he didn't listen to my "no" from the pain-of certain things he forced me to do. What your bf did definitely sounds like extreme BDSM however, because you never did say no and you agreed to it beforehand he may have legitimately thought you were just playing out the fantasy by pulling away. There have been time where I have played out being "raped" and said stop as part of the fantasy even. BDSM is largely about instilling fear and pain in the partner as part of a fantasy. You say it was his responsibility to make sure he didn't actually hurt you? But that's what BDSM is...Pain... Please if a guy asks you to do this again ask for more details. I'm really sorry this happened to you!

 

[minirini]

I can understand why you feel that he isn't to blame, because he honestly didn't know, but in my opinion, the person who initiates also has a responsibility to make sure both parties are on the same page, and to take even nonverbal communication--in this case pulling my head away from him--seriously. I think let's agree to disagree here.

Yes, if the BDSM thing and anal sex had been performed with clear communication throughout the whole process, and I felt safe the whole time to say no, then my experience would have been very different. I'm trying to figure out something because the fact is that no matter whose fault it is, the fact still remains that he hurt me quite unexpectedly and badly.

He probably didn't intend to hurt me, but he did coerce me into having oral sex with him even when I tried to communicate no. That's assault, even within the BDSM community--the dominant person has clearly crossed the line when he/she disregards the submissive's cues to stop. The anal sex part, yes, that's debatable.

 

[Justmehere]

He didn't have a BDSM fantasy. He had a "Beat my girlfriend up with no consequences & f*ck her in the ass fantasy".

I agree with this.

This is a really good article that applies very well to your situation: When does BDSM become abuse?

I'd call what you went through as clear abuse.

 

[minirini]

I can understand why you feel that he isn't to blame, because he honestly didn't know, but in my opinion, the person who initiates also has a responsibility to make sure both parties are on the same page, and to take even nonverbal communication--in this case pulling my head away from him--seriously. I think let's agree to disagree here.

Yes, if the BDSM thing and anal sex had been performed with clear communication throughout the whole process, and I felt safe the whole time to say no, then my experience would have been very different. I'm trying to figure out something because the fact is that no matter whose fault it is, the fact still remains that he hurt me quite unexpectedly and badly.

He probably didn't intend to hurt me, but he did coerce me into having oral sex with him even when I tried to communicate no. That's assault, even within the BDSM community--the dominant person has clearly crossed the line when he/she disregards the submissive's cues to stop. The anal sex part, yes, that's debatable.

 

[anonymous]

It doesn't matter who initiates it,you need to be responsible for your own self and be absolutely sure what you are getting yourself into before you agree.And maybe not agree to have sex of any kind with someone you don't feel safe enough to say no to.

But,I'm sure you realize that now.

 

[Sideways]

There's a whole heap of misunderstanding here about what BDSM is. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, "Anything goes".

Rape is sex without consent, and that can occur at any point - a person can, in their mind, stop consenting at any point. It's pretty clear to me that what you're saying ia, "I didn't agree to that...". And that makes it rape.

Whether or not he'd be found guilty of that in a court of law is an entirely different question.

He's asked you whether you consent to BDSM. But this wasn't BDSM. At all. and it's not a free pass to him that you agreed to BDSM, because you still have to know what it is that you're actually agreeing to. And clearly, you had no idea.

If you consent to a doctor taking out your tonsils, and they remove one of your kidneys, did you consent to that? No. Clearly no. If you had no idea what removing your tonsils would actually include, does that mean you consented to your kidney being taken? Still no.

BDSM or not, at any point (ANY point) during a sexual encounter, when you're no longer consenting to what's being done to your body- that's rape. His criminal culpability doesn't change that.

The fact that you were too frightened to tell him to stop? Is very (very) common with rape.

I'm sorry this happened to you. There's nothing about what you've described that is BDSM. What this guy did to you? Is abuse.

Be gentle with yourself. Do you have a T? Do you have anyone supporting you?

 

[Miss_Basilisk]

This is definitely dubious consent at the very least. The thing about BDSM is that there are so many sex acts that fall under it. BDSM is not just rough sex. There's so many aspects to it. There are so many rules to ensure the submissive person's safety and mental wellbeing. Chances are, he did not fully understand what BDSM is and the fact that he did not clarify what he wanted beforehand, especially considering that it is something that could cause you a lot of hurt, is a shitty move. He did not establish safe words and boundaries, he did not check on your well-being during and he ignored when you tried to tell him no.

Honestly, in the BDSM community, they would probably see this as assault. Personally, I see it as such.

I'm really very sorry this happened to you and if you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a message.

 

[minirini]

I agree that you shouldn't feel bad or guilty or blame yourself for not saying no in that sc...

I do have a question: Did you know fully beforehand what your husband was going to do to you? Did you know that he would "rape" you despite your protesting to stop? I thought the whole point of BDSM was informed consent about the fear and pain as part of the fantasy.

 

[minirini]

There's a whole heap of misunderstanding here about what BDSM is. It is not, by any stretch of...

Yes, I do see a therapist, and she and I are trying to untangle this big mess. I've had consensual rough sex that involved me being pushed against a car, or slightly more aggressive maneuvers, but I felt safe during those instances to say no. I know what rough sex is and I enjoy it. But this? This BDSM incident? I didn't enjoy it at all and I was too scared to say no.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I do have a question: Did you know fully beforehand what your husband was going to do to you? Did you know that he would "rape" you despite your protesting to stop? I thought the whole point of BDSM was informed consent about the fear and pain as part of the fantasy.

The "rape" fantasy I was referring to earlier wasn't part of BDSM I don't think....it just kind of happened...idk and I initiated that fantasy. Anyways the BDSM stuff I was referring to before I mentioned rape fantasy was largely against my consent-being that I did say ouch and stop, he did rape me and had absurd rules and blackmailed me in regards to sex. I may not really know what I am referring to as to BDSM, I read the article about the differences between BDSM and abuse that was posted earlier and it was very insightful. I have never been involved in an actual "BSDM" relationship where there are rules, code words etc... it was mostly just wanting to cause me pain during sex which now I see not the same thing... I am really sorry for what you went through and I hope your T is helping you! I am just human and sometimes I can give opinions based slightly on what I have observed and heard and my experiences and opinions can shape my views of things which may not be quite factual if that makes sense? The other posters are now swaying me to where this went way beyond BDSM.

 

[anonymous]

Disregard my replies here because after reading other replies I am now confused about my own experience.I just assumed it was my own fault for agreeing without questioning what would actually happen and I never imagined my husband would do the things he did.

When I talked to my T about it at the time all he said was "I could have told you that you would have that type of reaction if you had talked to me before agreeing".He didn't say it was wrong of my husband or that it was assault or rape,he just made me feel stupid for agreeing,especially with my past sexual abuse history.

I'm just fortunate that when I freaked out my husband stopped,the little bit I did experience before that felt like assault,felt like rape,but I still feel it was my own responsibility for agreeing in the first place.

 

[minirini]

The "rape" fantasy I was referring to earlier wasn't part of BDSM I don't think....it just k...

I'm only human too, so I'm sorry if I sounded a bit irritable. It sounds like what your ex-husband did to you may also count as rape or sexual assault. It wasn't right for him to want to cause you pain during sex. That's not BDSM. That's abuse and rape.

I had my own misconceptions about BDSM too--you're not the only one. My impression of BDSM, as I understood it, wasn't that he would immediately start slapping me when we entered his apartment. I thought that we would sit down and discuss things a little further when we met up in person, since it's hard to do a lot of communication via text. I also thought that things wouldn't go beyond a little bit of hair-pulling and spanking, since it was my first time.

My therapist indeed is helping me. I hope you have a therapist too?