Sexual Assault Did my ex rape/assault me with bdsm?

[Kintsugi]

What he did was not BDSM
It was not consensual
It was not considerate whatsoever
He would have to be one of the most ignorant men alive to think that was in any way BDSM
He raped you.

I'm sorry.

 

[minirini]

Well...ouch.

I really wanted to believe that he wouldn't be THAT ignorant or THAT manipulative to not tell me. But unless he's the stupidest man alive, he didn't "forget" to tell me he had a rape fantasy.

I wanted to believe that he wouldn't be THAT ignorant or THAT manipulative to automatically assume my prior consent to violence. Again, unless he was very dumb, he didn't "accidentally" assume prior consent to violence. He didn't know better? Bullshit--in what world is violence and a rape fantasy a reasonable assumption about sex, or even BDSM? I mean, who "accidentally" assumes that?!

Yeah, it was naive of me to not ask for clarification or a safe word, but it wasn't naive or unreasonable of me to assume that sex would be safe and consensual, no matter if it involved bondage or whipping. It was unreasonable for him to expect me to be okay with violence and non-consent.

The whole idea that he may have been manipulative really turns my stomach. And the idea that he raped me... I mean, I'm glad I have a name for it, but it hurts to think that my ex-boyfriend could have done something like that.

 

[Nessa7]

I think questions of "should" definitely have a place here, because words mean things. This scenario would be like if my boyfriend told me he wanted to play football and then hit me with a hockey stick the second I stepped foot onto the field. If he had been a member of a community of people that practice BDSM, he would have been banned for what he did, because BDSM is not a catch-all term that applies to all violent acts that might be included as part of sex. It might be referred to as physical abuse rather than rape, but I don't think that is a nit that necessarily needs to be picked when her ex doesn't have anything at stake.

 

[Sideways]

I'm glad I have a name for it, but it hurts to think that my ex-boyfriend could have done something like that.

Where does this take you moving forward?

You mentioned earlier I think that this isn't your first sexual assault. That's something a lot of people would find incredibly painful- do you have a supportive T that can help you identify some ways of keeping yourself safe with guys in the future?

 

[minirini]

Where does this take you moving forward?

You mentioned earlier I think that this isn't your f...

Yes, it isn't my first sexual assault. I got raped about 4-5 months prior to this so-called BDSM incident by a coworker while I was very drunk. Remembering the first rape was extremely painful, since I'd used hyper sexuality and eating disorders for 3 years to prevent myself from remembering the rape. This second rape is somewhat less painful--at least, less of a shock, and I've been through the whole process of denial, rage, bargaining, etc.

I do have a supportive therapist who helps me process things veeeeeeeery slowly (which is necessary). We've discussed being able to say no, affirmative consent, how to have open discussions with my partner, etc. I actually also have an extremely supportive partner right now who genuinely cares about me. He's been there for me when I had flashbacks. He told me multiple times that I always had the option to say no at any time, and that he would stop. He promised he wouldn't have sex with me unless he got verbal or nonverbal affirmative consent. And he also promised to never hurt me. So far, he's kept all his promises.

I'm not going to prosecute my ex. I'm not going to report him, at least not for now. But sometime in the future, I do hope to be healed enough to be able to tell him that what he did wasn't right.

 

[Sideways]

what he did wasn't right

I really like that. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say that, and it's a really straight forward way of looking at a complex situation. "What he did wasn't right" has a lot of power in it.

 

[minirini]

You're right: that statement has a lot of power. It's very direct. And it's something I need to say to myself and to him, though it will be very difficult to acknowledge that he assaulted me.

"What he did wasn't right" is what I've felt all along, but I ignored that feeling for a long time. "I got forced into a situation I didn't expect and was raped" was also something I felt was true, but never wanted to believe. It's been a giant mess trying to figure out if there was actual consent to the situation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read all of the replies but I have to say, just first page in that

The moment he smashed your head into the wall -risking concussion, brain damage, & death- the whole thing was over for me

Someone is able to say "no" only if they feel secure or safe enough to do so.

I would have to agree with both of these.

I didn't say no to killing animals and eventually did so willingly. Why? Because I was drowned in a tub, locked in a closet, chained up and tortured if I didn't.

Could I have really said no?

Not much grey area there. I agree that isn't BDSM. BDSM is something not only both cesent to and understand (and have a safe word) but the minute it is too much, it is stopped. This was a rape fantasy in my opinion.

ETA: And to add, agreeing to BDSM is one thing, the second I walk in the door is a complete other.

 

[shimmerz]

Lots of predators use the term BDSM as a segue into rape. Rape with someone who believes they need to be totally submissive to the supposed dominant. It is easy to get a submissive person to get all confused about just this. 'Was it my fault I didn't stop it?' Well, by nature of the dynamic, no, you couldn't stop it. Not if you don't have a safe word and a contract.

It was not your fault however, if you don't want it to happen again it will be your responsibility to assess properly the worthiness of the person you say yes to. If you don't have an understanding of your rights, never say yes to BDSM.

The idea for you would have been to give consent, for a mutually agreed upon scene(s). Your partner created and acted upon a scene that did not give you the option to give prior and proper consent. Real dominants would have tied him up and whipped him in the village square if they knew what he did to you.

This is what consent looks like. It is imperative for safety. Always. Nobody touches you without explicit consent. No exceptions.

Dead Link Removed

This link is an actual form that 2 or more people engaging in BDSM play of any type should be interacting with, filling in, discussing, prior to any scenes or forms of play. Jay Wiseman is really well known and respected in the BDSM community. This should be filled in (by the submissive) prior to play. And dominants don't get to override the submissive when filling this out. If they try? Get the f*ck out. Immediately.

BDSM -- "Negotiation and Negotiation Forms" by Jay Wiseman

No Dom/Domme worth their salt would do to anyone what was done to you. Ignorance is no excuse. If someone claims they just wantt o try BDSM? Insist that they learn about it first. BDSM requires vast knowledge. How do you tell if a dominant is new or a fake or a predator? Easy. They don't take time with consent.

If there is no consent (for whatever reason) run, don't walk, to the nearest exit (forever). Nobody is allowed to smash your head against the wall, slap you in the face, tie you up, put gag balls in your mouth..... nothing,,,,, unless they have proven to you that they actually give a shit about your safety. Anything else is assault at the least, or out and out rape or worse. And assault and rape are not what BDSM is about, unless explicitly consented to, and if so, then assault and rape are referred to as playing and scening.

Sorry, for reasons on my own, which are probably not the reasons that you think, I am very passionate about people being taken advantage of in this way.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, reading your posts, I can see you are struggling with naming this event. It is like you want to be able to accurately call it what it is. In my opinion, this was rape. It was not a "rape fantasy" it was rape. You are putting quotes around rape and you don't have to. You went over there thinking you were going to engage in sexual acts, that even with BDSM should have involved safety, trust, and communication. Instead, you were assauted, abused, and raped. Your bf new very well what he was doing. He wanted to rape you and he wanted to get away with it. So, he texted you asking to engage in certain sexual activities only naming a few (anal sex) and then raped you. Attacking you, forcing you and causing so much fear that you felt it was unsafe to say no is RAPE. He is very clever to call it BDSM and to get you to agree via text. This was deliberate and manipulative on his part. He should have met with you and created a contract. I do not know much about BDSM (triggering for me) but I do see all kinds of manipulation and red flags in here. This was not innocent miscommunication on his part. This was deliberate manipulation, so he could rape you and get away with it. He thought this through before he did what he did. I am sure he thought if he put his violent act under the guise of BDSM and vaguely bring it up through text and get you to agree then he could get away with rape. If you do not decide to prosecute, my sense is that you need to hold him accountable for actual rape somehow, in your mind, in therapy. I can tell there is devestation in your mind. You were terrorized by him. You have in fact been raped twice and in both situations you were manipulated and taken advantage of. Do not victim blame yourself.
There have been many discussions surrounding trauma and how abusers and perpetrators are skilled at making their abuse seem like something else. I was "punished" often as a kid. My abusers said they were disciplining me but if you look closely, this was just a cover so they could abuse me.

 

[minirini]

So, reading your posts, I can see you are struggling with naming this event. It is like you wa...

You know... When I was talking about my relationship with this ex and this BDSM incident in therapy, my therapist just looked more and more concerned. I didn't even realize that what he'd done could be construed as manipulative until very recently. It was rather devastating to see my therapist look so sad about what happened. I told my current partner a very short version of the BDSM incident, and he was very dismayed and sad to hear that I'd been raped not once, but twice.

I just can't believe that he would want to rape me and get away with it. I mean, what sort of sicko does that?! I can't believe that he deliberately manipulated me into a situation where I couldn't fight back or say no. You're right, he had to have thought through everything before he met up with me. He did not "forget" to ask my permission to act out a rape fantasy--what considerate partner would "forget" to do that?--and he did not "accidentally" become overcome by lust, or whatever you call things. Why else would he have all the equipment ready? If it was true BDSM, he would've run me through everything and asked me specifically what I was okay with and how far I could go. This wasn't BDSM. This was rape.

I'm not going to prosecute for now, because obviously I'm still processing everything, but you can be certain that I'm holding him accountable for this.

Also, I'm so incredibly sorry that you have been through abuse. It's even more difficult to deal with abuse as a kid, since you don't really have a full sense of self and are still reliant on others to provide care. I hope you've got a good therapist who will help you heal.

 

[scout86]

what he did wasn't right.

Personally, I think that's a much more useful idea to latch on to than "was it rape?" There's a legal definition of rape, and it varies from place to place. There are other, more personal definitions too and they also vary. Whether or not the incident meets your own definition, is more important that whether or not it meets mine. But how you feel about what happened is way more important that what name you want to give it.

It wasn't right. Period. And it clearly puts him in the category of "people who aren't trustworthy" too, unless he's come back, groveled. and convincingly said he realizes he was horribly wrong, wants to be forgiven, but realizes that was fairly unforgivable. (Not likely, is it?)

I think sometimes we get too hung up on wondering whether or not something meets the bar. Was it "bad enough" to be abuse, or rape, or what ever. Maybe it's enough to know "it was bad.".