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Sufferer Cptsd, csa and meeting someone special causing triggers

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Hi, I am 43 years old. In May of this year, I met someone special that I have romantic and intimate feelings for, and he feels the same. He is 38 years old. Although I am older than he is, I have limited life experience in romantic relationships. He's been married and has three children. I've never been married, or had kids but I am a substitute mother for my niece who mom is in a vegetative state and is unable to take care of her daughter. I help take care of her with my mom. To be quite frank, the only relationships I've had before this have lasted 2 or 3 months. I've always but a stop to things before someone wanted to get more serious. Probably because I am afraid. Of what? Not entirely sure.

This is a long distance relationship. He is a survivor of CSA as well. After about a month of talking on the phone, we finally decided to be exclusive, not an open relationship. Things progressed to intimacy on the phone. Things were going good. Then, I start to get ... I'm embarrassed to say, needy and I feel him pulling away. I have never had a relationship or a connection with someone like this before. We both agree our connection is not just a mental one but also an intimate and spiritual one. I feel safe with him, something I have never felt with anyone before, especially a man. So I am scared I am going to do something or say something to screw things up.

I know I need to relax but my father is a diagnosed socialpath who SA me when I was a child. My father cheated on my mom their entire 20 year marriage, not to mention what he did to me. I have trust issues with cheating. The man I met has given me no indication that he has cheated or wants to, but due to my father, I feel cheating is just a trait men have. I know this perception is totally wrong but it is a thought I keep having more and more of lately.

Especially since our intimate moments on the phone have dwindled as of the last three or four weeks. When I started to get too clingy, he started to pull away. And to be honest, I don't blame him I guess. So I've been trying to give him space. But I've also felt neglected sexually, and since it seems like he doesn't need it, I think he's cheating. So I have been having triggers when I am intimate with myself and flashbacks. I haven't had a flashback in several years. In a previous relationship, the man I was with said I dissociated during sex. I have noticed lately that I dissociate when I am being intimate alone with myself and I relived a traumatic memory. I grounded myself but it took some effort. This bothers me.

We've both decided to take it slow and will meet after one year of talking, if we still are talking. lol I think I need to see a therapist/counselor to help me because I don't want to meet him in several months, be intimate with him and then dissociate or relive some traumatic memory while we are together. He feels safe to me but maybe my subconscious won't realize that. Anyway, I'll end the introduction here. I'm feeling drained. I have been to counseling/therapy before, for over 10 + years of it dealing with my father and other incidents. I am going to contact someone locally tomorrow and see if a sex therapist can help because I have other things going on as well in that area that need dealing with.I just hope I can reach out here and be safe to do so.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. lol I know it was a lot.
 
Welcome to the forums!
Things were going good. Then, I start to get ... I'm embarrassed to say, needy and I feel him pulling away.
Is he pulling away and/or is this something you fear he is doing because he's not pulling closer when you are super vulnerable? Are you able to tease the two apart?

Have you talked to him about this pattern you are both in?
When I started to get too clingy, he started to pull away. And to be honest, I don't blame him I guess. So I've been trying to give him space.
Have you done any work on attachment styles in therapy? It seems like you probably have a preoccupied attachment style, and want to be close more quickly than others, and when you try to get super close, he runs, you chase... and you are already on the right path to begin to back up. He might have an avoidant attachment style and long distance might suit him well, but not you. The more you can both find a steady pace together, the more likely this will work out. It might take both of you doing work in therapy on this.

No reason to be embarrassed, a lot of couples get into patterns like this. Trauma histories can make it more complicated to work out, but it often can be worked out over time if both are willing to work it through.
 
Hi Justmehere,

Is he pulling away and/or is this something you fear he is doing because he's not pulling closer when you are super vulnerable? Are you able to tease the two apart?
I honestly do not know. I am feeling very vulnerable so that could be it. I talk to him and he says not to worry and he says is a patient man. So I think he is being understanding. Maybe he senses I am dealing with some past issues and he's giving me space? The only way to know is to talk about it. I thought I had worked this all out in 10+ years of therapy. lol Apparently, I have more work ahead of me.

Have you done any work on attachment styles in therapy?
No, I've never heard much about attachment styles. A word here or there but nothing with an explanation on the different styles.

I'm going to google attachment styles and see exactly what the different styles are so I'll have a better understanding of what you're talking about.
 
Welcome! :)

I think it's a good idea to go back to therapy, but I'd caution against needing to feel fixed before you meet your guy in person. I think that we heal in the context of loving relationships, and in order to heal the sexual issues we need to be with a partner who supports us and cares for us and makes us feel safe. That is, the sexual issues are best healed in the context of a healthy sexual relationship-----I don't know if these kinds of things can actually be healed in a theoretical vacuum so to speak.

I say all of this as someone who also is a CSA survivor and is in a long distance relationship with someone. I just met him for the first time in person, so yes it's 360 degrees REAL now!-----So excited, lol. We knew each other online and on the phone, and just decided to jump all in and meet.
 
K I agree, it can be hell with both having CPTSD. Regardless of other relationships, this has potential of being the best. Can you explain more how does sex therapy help? It could change your viewp on sex if it's been challenging.

I think you should trust your gut, if you feel safe reaching out then go for it.
 
Thanks for the responses. I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend about the wall I feel between us and the lack of sexual intimacy lately. He said he thinks the Seroquel is affecting his sex drive. I know when I took Seroquel it affected my sex drive which is only one reason why I got off that medication and went to another that didn't effect my body so much. So I understand where he is coming from somewhat having been on that medication as well. I thought things were going fine until tonight.

I will say that growing up my father had a temper, mostly yelling but a few times it got physical when he was arguing with my mother. Sometimes when I am talking to my boyfriend, it is like he sounds critical of the things I say and sounds irritated. Maybe I misinterpret this as irritation. I'm not sure.

I asked him what he thought of me. He said he doesn't really know because when you meet someone in real life, they can be totally different than how they were on the phone. I agreed. Then he said something about perception. It sounded like he is having doubts about us, when a couple months ago, things were ok. At least, I thought so. He then said he didn't mean to sound insensitive or like an asshole and he did say these things about me. I'm paraphrasing because I cannot recall his exact words. He said I am delightful when I am not argumentative, sweet, intelligent, even on things I think I do not know anything about, and I talk down about myself when he thinks I shouldn't do that.

The conversation tonight was about a game we are both playing, not an online mulitplayer game but just a single player game you don't play with others. I was asking how the characters can have sex with any gender they prefer. Somehow the conversation went to lesbians and he got uncomfortable. I asked what was wrong; I didn't know he would get uncomfortable about it. He started to explain and then stopped. I asked him to continue. So his response was basically, "You know why lesbians are attracted to women? Because they have met a lot of jerks that were men and it made them gay." I was like, wth. He's never said anything like that before. Is that a sexist remark? And I replied with, "So the reason some women are attracted to other women is because they have only dated assholes." He wanted to change the subject, probably because I sounded angry. So I eased it to something else. He said he doesn't mean to sound like he is being critical when he doesn't mean it that way at all. So I let it slide.

I was feeling a bit angry and confused so I started playing a song on my laptop to relax. He called it N***** music. I cannot even write the word because I found it so offensive just like his previous comment. So I turned off the music. Shortly after all this, he said he had to get up and go to work in the morning. So, despite being on the verge of tears at feeling like he was being critical of me too, we said we loved each other and hung up. Maybe he wanted to hang up because he sensed I was angry and hurt and just wanted to avoid an argument. I'm not sure. But we usually talk until midnight on Friday nights or later. The conversation ended at 10:15 pm his time.

Some other things were said. He's even commented on fat people earlier in the night, referring to an character in the game. I am a fat person. I'm losing weight but I am so overweight that when I finally do reach my goal weight, I will have to have skin removal surgery to look "normal" again. It concerns me that he has never shown me a picture of himself although I sent him a picture of me that is 5 years old. lol At least I sent one. Well, he's sent me four naughty pictures but nothing of his face yet. I was thinking of bringing up the subject of sending each other pictures of ourselves. That way I can see him; he can see me. If either one of us is not accepting of the other person, so be it. Because I am not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my time on someone who cannot deal with the fact that I am fat, and will have hanging skin. He said he has no problem with it when we discussed it a couple months ago. Yet he makes fun of fat people knowing I am fat and might find it offensive. Hell, I do find it offensive. lol

Am I being over-critical? Am I just being silly about all this that happened in our conversation tonight? I'm not really sure what I am asking. I just feel confused. I thought things were good. Then bam! It's like my mind tries to find something wrong to point out to myself. I have a history of pushing people away when I find out they really care about me. Maybe he does love me. Who am I to say? He treats me with respect, is kind to me, and listens ... when I finally work up the courage to talk about what is bugging me. Maybe subconsciously I am trying to push him away because I don't feel like I deserve love, his love. All I know is I feel confused about things.
 
Can you explain more how does sex therapy help? It could change your viewp on sex if it's been challenging.
Let me try to explain my reasoning. I could be wrong about it. I'm not sure. I have been told by a previous sex partner that I "went someplace else" while we were having sex. I cannot recall what happened but he said I kept saying something like "I'm sorry Daddy" over and over and was crying like I was a child. So he stopped.

But in the last two weeks, the "disappearing" happened twice while I was masturbating, except during the last one I came back during the experience and relived a sexual assault. I actually felt like I was there again and felt the intense fear of that day. I've been in therapy for 10+ years so I thought this was behind me. Yet the going someplace else happened. I also have, what I think, are altered views of the way sex is between two people. I've never experienced making love, only sex. Most of the time it was not gentle, respectful, or loving. I am afraid that my body won't respond to gentleness. I feel so weird for saying that but how do I know I won't go someplace and utter phrases with my new boyfriend when we finally meet up and totally freak him out. I mean, it kinda freaks me out to be honest.

Some of the ways I've enjoyed sex in the past make me cringe. I won't go into detail but I feel guilt and shame about these things, especially since some of my tastes still linger today and I'm embarrassed to talk to my new boyfriend about it. He seemed ok about stuff I mentioned in the beginning of our talking on the phone but now he seems distant. So I feel like maybe I have said something he didn't enjoy or like during intimate conversations and that could be one reason why he steers clear of phone sex now. Being in a relationship has always been difficult for me, but a long distance relationship is tough too. But we both are still talking despite all the things happening between us lately so we both still want to be together.

I don't know if I described why I feel a sex therapist would help, but I feel a traditional therapist won't understand exactly what it is I need to work on. I've been confused lately and I guess getting more and more confused. lol I need some help sorting all these things out. Since it centers on sexuality, I thought a sex therapist would be the best way to go about seeking help.
 
Each person has their own past and if he cares about you, he will be respectful of whatever you've been through. Expect nothing less.

You both will find what's right for you. Your body may respond completely different to someone different. I do think it's important that you feel safe enough to talk about it beforehand.

What does a sex therapist do?
 
I have to be honest. I'm SUPER concerned that you've never seen a picture of him. People were concerned that I'd never FaceTimed/Skyped with my guy before meeting him, but I'd seen a ton of pictures of him, multiple social media accounts, we'd Googled each other, etc....so I knew what he looked like even if I didn't know his mannerisms and behavior. (I'd been anti-picture as it hits on triggers due to other guys playing manipulative picture games with me.)
 
I have to be honest. I'm SUPER concerned that you've never seen a picture of him.
Exactly. I thought I was just being too vigilant or paranoid about the no picture thing. As I reread my above post, it dawned on me: he'll send few pictures of his penis but not his face. I don't understand. Also he has never stated outright where he lives(you know the city) but he knows the city where I live. I am just thinking maybe I should I end this relationship. I feel like I'm doing most of the texting. He calls me most of the time but when I call him half the time he doesn't answer. When I've asked if he is fooling around, he just says I'm overthinking and have daddy issues (I'm paraphrasing, not his real words). Maybe the guy who says he's a nice guy is really just a player having his cake and eating it too, so to speak.
 
Exactly. I thought I was just being too vigilant or paranoid about the no picture thing. As I re...

A guy who is faithful will give you a straightforward answer if you ask him if he's fooling around. A cheater will turn it around and blame you.....just as this guy is doing.
 
I didn't want to think it but hearing it from another person helps me feel like I am not crazy. He says he's not but I feel like something is just not right ... somewhere, you know.
 
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