DID I have did and i'm really struggling...

[Hope4Now]

@Anarchy thank you for your sympathetic response. I think the EBV may be secondary to the CFS and then there's the as yet untreated mold exposure CIRS stuff. UGH. After 3 months on Valtrex for the EBV though, I am feeling a little bit more energy although I continue to crash out and not be able to do much without paying a big price. Just that the price seems a little more reduced now. Or I am just learning to pace myself better. Not sure which. My cell counts are still screwy but not through the roof enough for anybody to be particularly concerned. I am hoping if I can survive the mold toxicity treatment which will begin on 2/2, I might start feeling even better. It sounds as if you have recovered? I'm so glad for you if this is the case. I think until I can get more stable emotionally, my system will keep churning around where the emotional exacerbates the physical issues (I've had shingles multiple times, for example), and the physical issues trigger more severe emotional stuff, as I have precious few defenses available when I'm exhausted.

 

[Hope4Now]

@pixel thank you so much for responding to my questions. It is hugely helpful to hear specific stuff from other people's experiences so I don't feel like I am making all this stuff up, or if I'm not making it up at least I don't feel like such an alien species :alien:.

Your description resonates with my experience of this one 5 year old part coming out with my therapist recently. It is as if I am watching a movie (and who the "I" is shifts from one to another throughout, so that is very bizarre and makes the therapy sessions very confusing for me and, I'm sure, very trying for my ever-patient and kind therapist.

It's rather like there's a fight going on between parts that want to be out with him (esp this 5 year old who is growing to like and trust him) and parts that judge this as being a terribly dangerous thing to happen. What confuses me most is that apparently this part is aware that it lives in my body, and aware of my current life (but doesn't much like it), so the work I've done to "update" my parts by sort of shouting into the wildnerness of my system (what my therapist calls "public service announcements" LOL) has worked to some extent. Except Bear (the 5-8 year old who slides back and forth in age), is still Bear with all the thoughts and feelings and experiences of that time, and it still has flashbacks of this one particularly terrifying and ongoing situation that it reacts to even though it also seems to know that it is no longer happening. It's very weird. Like my parts all have their own PTSD, each holding different aspects of my past in different ways.

I think I will be in therapy forever. It is so hard. That's why I get so hopeless and despairing sometimes.

It is interesting your protector is angry about your young part emerging, and yet doesn't seem to prevent it.
Those dynamics are worth exploring, perhaps.

Unfortunately, I have a whole team of protector parts. Some are helpful types that let me function in my life. Others are very nasty. I've worked with my therapist to contain the nasty ones in a nice place that is securely guarded most of the time, and that is what I think has allowed this opening to start to happen (in combination with the new meds I'm on). So somehow, my protectors always allow me to get to therapy, and are increasingly willing to let this one part, Bear, come out fully in front of him. But then it's as if the protectors regret the decision and freak out afterward with recriminations and anger etc. Thankfully though, the external harming doesn't seem to happen in relation to Bear...just internal stuff. The external harming backlash happens with other parts that come out occasionally. But even this is much less than in the past, though I had an episode last night. :banghead::banghead::banghead::bag:

Anyway, thank you so much for listening and responding. I am grateful.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi @shimmerz! Thanks for coming to this thread! I miss you too!
As always, your comments send off lightbulbs of connection for me that are really helpful.

My child (the trapped, has no idea where to go and how to keep safe child), is completely manic. She is trying to figure out how to keep safe. I, myself am not manic. Because I am co-conscious, I can observe that when the child is trapped, she races in her mind and cannot move her body.

I have a lot of children. Some are totally manic in different ways. Others are totally shutdown and I have zero access other than a dim awareness that they're there. I also have parts that are only manic inside my (their?) heads with floods of thoughts that the body can't keep up with so just collapses into that state that's either catatonia or catalepsy. I think what causes it in my body is the raging war among parts in my head vying for control. The body just can't cope so collapses into immobility and inability to speak or open eyes. Eventually I come out of it when some manager part gets majority control.

there was actually a very calm part that was literally trying to help the child.

That is so good. I do have a calm part I call "the watcher." But it isn't helpful except for sharing information across the system. It has no emotion or particular investment in any of the parts. Very depersonalized. But I think a lot of parts look to it for help. Sort of like an information hub. As for a calm helper part who can provide what the terrified and traumatized ones need--I have never had one of these until...and this is something bizarre but has been so helpful. Somehow I created an introject of my therapist. Many parts find this deeply shameful that this has happened, but at the same time it helps a lot in comforting the young parts. Even though the real person therapist doesn't do what the introject does. My system has been creating helpful introjects like this for as long as I can remember. I think maybe it has helped me survive as they are sometimes able to prevent the mean introjects from hurting the young ones. God, this is so crazy. Somehow these ADHD meds I'm on are allowing me to get a clear picture of how my system works. Makes me want to just disappear my whole self because it is such a mess. Kind of like a tear-down house.

This is my new theme song. I am listening to it and singing it a lot in an attempt to remember that "I" am a consciousness that contains all these parts of me, and I am a survivor. It's from the new documentary about CFS called Unrest. The song is called "Patience."
"Patience" by Ren Gill Lyric Video (from the "Unrest" Movie Soundtrack)

 

[pixel]

"update" my parts by sort of shouting into the wildnerness of my system (what my therapist calls "public service announcements" LOL)

oh, you made me laugh! :hilarious::laugh:
What a contrast.... here is you, shouting into the wilderness LOL but your therapist stiffly labels it a 'public service announcement'
i absolutely love your emotive description v the clinical version :geek:

fwiw, mine is labeled a General Broadcast! :x3:


Good to hear that Bear is getting therapy,too.
I noticed you said you seem quite fluid about who fronts (frequent swapping between parts), i find that incredibly draining, do you?
Something that works for me, I make a "shout into the wilderness" ;) and kinda take bookings on who is coming to therapy. But they never get the whole session, and they only get one turn. Never more than 2 parts per session, either.

***End General Broadcast***
:p

 

[Hope4Now]

So...
What is a "host?"
I have read a bit about this concept here and there. I know the definition is that the "host" is the "personality" that "usually presents." I understand the idea that a host, like a host at a party, is the one in charge of the guests (LOL except at some of the actual parties I've attended in the past, nobody's in charge!).

My therapist says that my "host" is ____ (my new name I have chosen to represent my whole system, versus my old real name which I know now was a very complex and powerful manager part that lived most of my adult life until around 5 years ago when she collapsed.) And, he says my body is kind of like the host's house.

I get the body being the house. I've worked a lot on body awareness in the present, and have gotten to the point that I accept I have this body even if I deeply hate it but sort of also appreciate that it can be as relatively functional as it is given all my health issues. I could be a lot sicker than I am.

What I struggle with (understatement) is this idea of a "host." I don't believe I have a single host who gets taken over by parts. I have a bunch of them--manager parts who front at different times to accomplish many different things. Perhaps this looks like a single host to people who know me because it works quite a bit of the time, somewhat seamlessly so that mostly people might only be aware that I am a bit unpredictable and eccentric, but still "me." But it can get to be a mess when there is no agreement about what has to be done or said in any given situation, and becomes really problematic in therapy. This is usually when I shut down, either fleeing from a situation, spacing out and unable to speak, or crashing out into that awful state where I can't move but my brain is going at warp speed exploding in hundreds of directions.

My IFS therapist seems convinced (I think, if I understand him) that my SELF is my host, although often hard to access. I have said repeatedly throughout the past few years that I have discovered I actually do have a SELF (this great abounding loving and compassionate and open energetic something or other), but that it does not exist in my body, and is far removed from my parts. That the one who talks to him about parts and my state of being is a protector part called Watcher. So we're sort of stuck on this, because in order for my traumatized parts to heal, they have to have access to my SELF, but they don't because my SELF is invisible and far away.

I am very curious to know what people think of the idea of a "host" and how they experience this phenomenon.

 

[Hope4Now]

:) I'm glad I gave you a laugh @pixel. It always makes me happy when I say something that makes someone laugh.

I noticed you said you seem quite fluid about who fronts (frequent swapping between parts), i find that incredibly draining, do you?
Something that works for me, I make a "shout into the wilderness" ;) and kinda take bookings on who is coming to therapy. But they never get the whole session, and they only get one turn. Never more than 2 parts per session, either.

Yes, the fluid fronting is exhausting. I like that term "fluid fronting;" it is an apt description of how my manager protectors work.

I have tried to do what you say, about shout-outs to who is coming to therapy, but it never works. I can go in with a seemingly agreed upon plan, and then it blasts away and I never know what is going to happen. Sometimes that's okay, but sometimes it leaves parts angry and bereft. Like yesterday Bear was invited directly to be present, and it wanted to be--desperately--but other stuff interfered and then the session was over and THEN s/he comes out and doesn't want to leave and was so very sad. Then I went home and fell asleep for six hours. And got nothing done that I was supposed to do. Argh.

How did you get to the place where you could organize "bookings?" (:roflmao: I love that. I think of a cruise director!) Just practice? Do you write it down and stick to the list? How do you control this????

 

[shimmerz]

Again, I am not certain that this would apply to others, but when things really started to turn around for me in managing my parts was when I walked around absolutely focused on my 'body'. It was a common denominator for each of the parts, regardless of whether they were aware of that or not.

I mean, it was obvious that my 'ditch diving' part had absolutely NO concept of her body. So I taught her, just like a mother of a child would. I, in fact, played with my dissociation mindfully and the co-consciousness was a real help with this. I would tap into the Mother part of me, by continually calling her up as if she was taking care of one of her children. And I would do this always when I was feeling well. Then? She learned to 'just come' when one of my littles was acting out. I had trained her to Mother them. My Mother part was the most empathic of the whole system, so she was best to help bring them into the fold that was my system.

So she would teach all of my parts that i was brushing my teeth, for example, because we were ALL taking care of 'the body'. So 'the body' became the grounding force for all. By and large, it has worked. Of course, it went from a simple act of brushing teeth, taking a shower, to more complex stuff like feeding myself. Most parts liked to take the easy route out by eating shit food. I had to train them that eating properly was enjoyable. It took a long time, and to this day I know I am struggling when I fight within myself to eat proper food. I am still working on drinking enough water. I think one of my parts (at least) doesn't want to drink -- doesn't trust it -- because she was neglected and left with bottles of rancid milk and juice.

So, yeah, I focused on the basics and it was intense and hard. But it was a big thing in healing. I do not profess to be totally healed, btw. Rather, it is a constant effort to remind each part that they have a body and that that body counts. Just like I taught my children.

 

[Hope4Now]

Yep. The body is the thing. Got to work on getting parts to accept that my body is their body too, not just some foreign thing that exists outside of time and space and reality. Not just an abstraction but a real live thing that keeps them alive. Which means I have to find some part that can bridge this gap. Not sure which one would be willing to do it with any consistency. Am trying. Thank you for the reminder.

I survived today's dental work with 2 risperidones and 2 klonopins. Still had two flashbacks but was able to have permission from the doctor to stand up and take a break and re-orient, so that is great improvement for me. Next, onto the allergist. Then I can collapse for a while.

This thread is being HUGELY helpful to me. Thank you all @shimmerz, @Anarchy, @pixel, @Muted, @Keen, @Ragdoll Circus , @Rain

 

[Sideways]

What is a "host?"

IFS I think can confuse things with DID, because the parts we have are created differently and serve differently purposes and behave differently, and the way we interact wih them is part of our pathology.

I think of my brain a bit like a house, and the individual rooms are my parts. Mostly, I’m chilling out in the lounge. That’s the most usual, authentic me, or the ‘host’.

Other parts live in different rooms. So, I have one in the kitchen, and it’s open plan, so we communicate with eachother fairly easily and consistently, and she can tell me what she’s thinking without always having to front. I can keep chilling in the lounge and be in charge and simply speak to her across the counter.

Other parts that I share some limited co-consciousness with are in seperate rooms, with the door slightly ajar. We can yell at each other through the door sometimes, but mostly the only way to know what’s going on in that room is for that part to take over, because they aren’t quite ready to leave the door open and have a free flow of information yet. And crucially, with DID, that part keeps its own memories stored in their room, so I don’t have free access to that , we have to communicate with each other to share that kind of information.

Then there’s parts that keep the door to their room shut. We don’t have co-consciousness, I don’t know what goes on in that room. When the part hears a certain alarm, they take over, and I’m in the lounge completely shut out.

The goal is to try and build trust with those parts to slowly open the door a bit so that we can share information, so that I can see what’s happening in their room, and so that they can see what’s happening in the rest of the house. And then ultimately, achieve integration with all my parts, so that the whole house becomes open-plan, and there are no walls between the parts.

Definitely I know people aho have spent years with a different part sitting in the lounge playing host for years, only to have that part retreat to a more private room as the person heals and their more authentic self is allowed to occupy the lounge. That seems to happen when the person has been living in a stressful environment. When their environment becomes more manageable, the authentic self gets to chill out in the lounge with the tv remote!

Weird analogy, but it worked for me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Not a weird analogy at all! I like it. Gives me something to think on. Hearing other people's analogies help me clarify my own experiences better. I def need something more concrete like this to help me stay a bit more in this world rather than outer space.

 

[Sideways]

help me stay a bit more in this world rather than outer space.

Pfft! Who needs outta space? One of my rooms is a like a 24-hour disco where it’s party time all the time, another one is like some kind of yoga studio where I go and get my whole spiritual “earth child” groove on. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least of some fellow DID’er had a room that looked something akin to a planetarium:)

 

[shimmerz]

Then I can collapse for a while.

Happy collapsion my friend. With you in spirit! :p That was a rough day and one that you handled very well. That's great progress! :hug: