Relationship So becomes distant after every time we hang out

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.

I haven’t been active here for a while, felt like I needed a break and just focus on myself.

The complexity of my relationship continues. He pushes me away, and when I actually leave he pulls me back in. He says he can’t feel anything for me and that it’s not fair on me, yet can’t let go. He has had his first session of proper EMDR and said ‘I’m not sure if it made any difference’ his therapist asked him to recall the least traumatic memory the first time.

We have been hanging out a bit, and even went for an trip over the day. I’ve realized that after we’ve been around eachother, the next few days he becomes quite distant. I don’t hear from him as much, he isn’t as talkative etc etc. He pulls away and it hurts because we’ve had some good times and then he just disappears a little. Is this something any supporters can recognize from their partners with PTSD?

Also, I’ve been reflecting a little on our relationship and I came up with a bit of a theory. He is very keen to get married soon (in fact he thinks it’ll fix everything that’s going on in him); and he feels like he is reaching and age where he wants to get married. Similarly, I also want to get married soon and he knows this. Also within our culture marriage is the next obvious step, so If you are in a relationship with someone it kind of has to be very serious to the point where you really want to get married to that person.

My Theory is, I feel like (because of PTSD and his anxiety), this idea freaks him out because it’s a massive step. He has on many occasions stresses being scared of failing marriages. And I think such a big commitment is some kind of trigger for him. I guess what I’m trying to ask is: is it harder to make a huge desicions such as getting married to someone when you have PTSD and anxiety??

Sometimes I think that maybe it’s because it’s always going to be so serious between us, he runs from his feelings and tells himself that he doesn’t feel anything for me.

Any replies, experiences and opinions are very appreciated.
Thank you

 

[Esterio]

On some days I can not make any even little decisions. I is impossible. Ptsd, anxiety, depression then throw in a little dissociation I can't even decide to get up. Medication is helping some with anxiety, that is making life a little bit better. Life is a roller coaster highs and lows and some real fast turns.

Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[Justmehere]

He has had his first session of proper EMDR and said ‘I’m not sure if it made any difference’ his therapist asked him to recall the least traumatic memory the first time.

If I recall correctly, he is going to therapy once every 3-4 weeks.

EMDR isn’t a quick fix. It often leads to a time of worsening symptoms before they improve. I would not expect EMDR once every 3-4 weeks to lead to him becoming able to be close on a steady basis in this relationship anytime in the near future. Recovery can take up to years for some sufferers.

And I think such a big commitment is some kind of trigger for him. I guess what I’m trying to ask is: is it harder to make a huge desicions such as getting married to someone when you have PTSD and anxiety??

Commitment and decision making is a stressor for those with and without PTSD that can fill up the stress cup.

Sometimes I think that maybe it’s because it’s always going to be so serious between us, he runs from his feelings and tells himself that he doesn’t feel anything for me.

There is a decent chance this is the case. He may have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. He may not. Sometimes this can change over years, sometimes it doesn’t.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’ve realized that after we’ve been around eachother, the next few days he becomes quite distant. I don’t hear from him as much, he isn’t as talkative etc etc. He pulls away and it hurts because we’ve had some good times and then he just disappears a little. Is this something any supporters can recognize from their partners with PTSD?

Yep. It happens. Good stress is still stress. Think of it more as recovery than avoidance. He just needs a few days to recover from the stress of hanging out.

As far as getting married and making decisions... it's stressful for people WITHOUT PTSD to decide to get married. Think how stressful it must be with PTSD.

I wouldn't take any of this personally. I know it may seem like it, but it probably has very little to do with you.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Esterio thanks for your input!

@Justmehere thank you, he started EMDR 2 weeks ago and had his proper session a few days ago. He is going consistently now. His therapist is telling him that he must be able to come every week.

@Sweetpea76 thanks! That really helps.

I guess hanging out with me even if we are having a great time still fills his stresscup?
And I’m guessing knowing that it can only either be serious or nothing between us, is also mega stressful. For anyone but especially with PTSD. I am his safe person and the person he trusts with everything, and knowing that either you marry that person or you have to stop talking to them forever, is very stressful?!

I can’t seem to find any other explanation as to why our relationship is on standstill, because between him and i, things are usually really great. We get along so well and we are at this point each others family.

I’ve also noticed he gets so annoyed/ angry and small things really irritate him. He’s just not himself anymore and it makes me feel very upset..

Again; any input is appreciated

Lots of love to you all

 

[Mytime]

He has a lot of emotions going on inside. Emotions that are hard to control. Which in itself can be scary.
If anyone is on edge, they snap at everything. Stress attack you mentally and physically. There a lot of stuff going on inside him. Space is a gift to you both. Keeps you both safe from hurtful words and actions.

 

[Enaila]

Emotions, feelings, relationships, communication.....all can be overwhelming for people, especially with those who have PTSD. I have returned to dating after twenty years of working on healing from my PTSD. I am learning to deal with a lot of unfamiliar feelings such as having someone care for me for who I am. The guy I am dating is aware of my PTSD. He is extremely patient. We have been dating for a year and I still need time to recouperate after a date with him. I seem to need time to process the interactions from the date, understand my feelings, and often I have flashbacks triggered which can knock me for a loop. I am learning to allow myself to be vulnerable and open up to him. This is taking baby steps for me. Expectations can be confusing. Thankfully my boyfriend is patient and expects honest open communication...he is direct and this helps me learn to talk instead of avoid. While he often tells me I think about things too much, he understands doing so is part of my struggle with PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

He is going consistently now. His therapist is telling him that he must be able to come every week.

This is great!

I'd expect his symptoms to actually get worse for awhile. That's pretty par for the course with most forms of trauma therapy. Processing of trauma with EMDR sometimes leads to processing happening after the session. Symptoms will spike at times. The more steady and unshaken you can be when this happens, the better. It's like being out in the ocean. Waves are going to come and pass. He's learning to ride out each wave of symptoms. You can't stop the waves from coming, but you can learn to ride them out.

And I’m guessing knowing that it can only either be serious or nothing between us, is also mega stressful. For anyone but especially with PTSD. I am his safe person and the person he trusts with everything, and knowing that either you marry that person or you have to stop talking to them forever, is very stressful?!

This is really strong all or nothing thinking. It's one of the common cognitive distortions that come with PTSD - and yes, it usually makes things more stressful, which is part of why many people in recovery have to work on doing such all or nothing thinking. You can't really change his thinking on this.

I’ve also noticed he gets so annoyed/ angry and small things really irritate him. He’s just not himself anymore and it makes me feel very upset..

He's 100% responsible for how he handles his symptoms and to not lash out at you. One of the ways he is probably trying to cope with his own irritability is by taking space. Try to not take it personally. (I know, so easy to say, so hard to do.) Are you still meeting with a therapist? Is it helping with the upset you feel? You can also set boundaries with him. I have one friend that just can't handle being around me when symptomatic. That's ok. She knows I'm working super hard on recovery, and we both know our mutual need for space is not personal. It's just our limits of what we both can do.

You write of being each other's family. Even when you are family for each other, limits and boundaries are ok. Healthy. Walking with a sufferer can be really hard to do. My heart goes out to you! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m still really concerned for you.

I think that the idea that marriage/a partner is going to fix him is actually the biggest of red flags....

Please, I beg you, read up on codependency. His thinking is that you will be the “white knight” who is going to save him. This is a terrible dynamic to be in. I was on the flip side, with someone who wanted to fix me and it was beyond horrible. My wish for him is that he can learn to heal himself. It’s INCREDIBLY empowering to know that you are good enough on your own and that you have the power to do your own healing.

I really urge you to throw on the brakes and don’t fall for the “fix me” dynamic.

I know it may not seem that bad, and you may have to go through it yourself before believing me. I know I ignored the “fixer” red flag, thinking it was no big deal. Hoo boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Enalia thanks for sharing. I really do appreciate it, makes me understand it all more and gives me an insight!

@Justmehere thank you. He had his first proper EMDR session a few days ago and he didn’t seem to have been too affected by it. He said the memory he had to recall wasn’t all that traumatic for him.

In regards to the all or nothing thinking; well the situation is actually ‘all or nothing’. Between him and I, it can only ever end in us getting married OR we would have to go separate ways because none of us would be able to just stay friends and be OK with it. And because of cultural expectations, we HAVE to get married. We can’t just be together. That’s why I sometimes thing that he knows that with me it’s ‘either/or’, and because of the pressure and having to take a pretty massive desicion, he tells himself that maybe he doesn’t really love me. I know he’s really scared of marriage anyway because he’s seen so many failed ones.

I’m still waiting for my referral to see a therapist, but I Feel like I am coping OK, or atleast trying to. I’ve taken space from him and he has taken a lot of space from me too. To be honest I am just very scared that he will leave and I don’t want that.

@EveHarrington thank you. Well he believes that someone (whether that’s me or someone else), Can come and make him truly happy. He thinks THIS IS WHATS MISSING IN HIS LIFE! He genuinely thinks that someone can swoop in and fix him and everything else, fill the void and empty. He believes that life will be a fairytale and you’ll find that special someone and everything will make sense and you are just so excited about them everyday.

I guess this is codependency?

Thanks all for your kind words

 

[Esterio]

That’s why I sometimes thing that he knows that with me it’s ‘either/or’, and because of the pressure and having to take a pretty massive desicion,

That is a lot of pressure I think I would have a hard time to make that decision as well.

THIS IS WHATS MISSING IN HIS LIFE! He genuinely thinks that someone can swoop in and fix him and everything else, fill the void and empty. He believes that life will be a fairytale and you’ll find that special someone and everything will make sense and you are just so excited about them everyday.

He is living in a dream world if he thinks that. Some may think they can swoop in and fix others. That was what my wife thought she could fix me it drove me away. To me it is me that is going to have to do the work to allow me to heal. I was accused of living in a fairytale or having utopian ideas/ living in a dream world and that really upset me so now people think I don't have touch with reality that I live in a fairytale or dream world. That made me feel like I was lost and that my time is over.

This is what happened to me. I share it for perspective only we are all different and react differently. I hope it give you perspective. Did he join here? I hope so. He would find out a lot from folks here. Then he would see he is not alone in this and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Validation has always been a big part of healing. Just knowing others are out there and struggling as you are helps. When you talk to someone that has similar experience as you and talk to them you can hopefully start to talk about your trauma's. which I get told all the time you need to talk. You also need to be ready to tell some things that maybe horrible events in your life and you have never been able to talk/tell anyone about them before. Now you have found someone who is speaking about their trauma and you just start to talk of your trauma's. Talking so far online has been the place it has been easier for me to talk rather that face to face.
I speak from a survivor perspective not as a supporter. All though I am in a supporter roll with a friend in real life today and have been there for her since she was a teenager I have supported a few others in my years as well. I know it is hard to get the necessary connections with people surviving from PTSD. It is also hard for the survivor to make those necessary personal connections. Most people move away from people they know or suspect mental illness as it is very challenging at time to keep it together. I hope this helps.
bye be safe
Esterio

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi @Esterio thanks for that. I’m really grateful for sharing with me.

He genuinely does feel like he is broken and that the piece that is missing is SOMEONE. That someone can just come in and make him happy and after that, all the misery is gone. I do feel like he is very idealistic at times, I’m not completely sure if this is a PTSD thing or not. He thinks love is all about the excitement and constantly feeling those butterflies for eachother. To be honest, his dating history isn’t great, he has either gotten bored of relationships or been attracted to very toxic women. There’s been signs of his boredome in our relationship too.

It’s just such a difficult situation, I don’t know where I stand with him; I don’t know what’ll happen in the future. He keeps telling me he doesn’t feel anything for me, yet he will never let me go. He can never just let me move on and leave me be. He says he doesn’t feel anything for me, then why can’t he just let me leave? His words and actions are so confusing. He tells me he doesn’t love me yet also says ‘you’re my life, you are the only one who I’ll ever trust, I can’t imagine life without you, I don’t want to think about the day where we stop being in each others lives because it will break me’

I have so much respect for fellow supporters, it’s extremely hard to be in this situation. I just feel like I’m constantly confused about what he is saying/ doing and feeling.

Urgh.. this turned out to be more of a rant than an actual post but I’m genuinely so scared and I feel like I’m losing hope