Childhood Animal abuse/ father killed pets in front of me

[Lionheart]

I suppose I need to talk about how I felt numb and empty and seemingly without thought during the trauma as If I were about to disappear, as if I didn't exist.

I don't understand why I reacted this way to it, why I seemed to freeze in emptiness, without thought, without feeling. It is as if I were still there in those moments of time, eyes forever fixed, inside just cold and numb. I am not sure how to 'word' my experience.

Like I am holding my breath.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I had the same response to when my mother drowned the kittens. I was frozen. Standing there staring at what she was doing without thought or feeling...frozen in time. I had to in order to survive that moment be exactly as I was. I was a child... an innocent child watching an act which was outside normal human behaviors. In that moment, I used depersonalization, losing all sense of my identity, and derealization, a feeling that my surroundings are not real, in order to survive.

 

[Lionheart]

Ahhhh, that makes perfect sense to me now...Thank you @Congruency . I want to better understand how depersonalization and derealization work to help us survive trauma. Maybe this is where I should take the conversation back to my therapist again. Thank you so much for sharing!!!

 

[Anarchy]

Lionheart, absolutely no shame attaches to you.

I meant that it's a very difficult subject to talk or write about

 

[littleoc]

Please forgive me and understand my need to talk about these things so that I can put them to rest

It's not you who should be sorry. It's sick humans




Is this a thread only for the deaths...? I am absolutely haunted by a sexual assault -- a series, really. I was kidnapped (because my dad was trying to get attention) and the pedophile was in love with his dog. If you could call it that. I was able to write it hurriedly in my trauma diary once, the initial moment when it shocked me the most. But can't handle it well enough to say out loud. My therapist has no idea it ever happened, and frankly I'm afraid to bring it up. I made mention once of some people in general liking their dogs in a sexual way and she shuttered at the mental image she had.

I feel you, though, wanting to get it out of your head.

I liked that dog, too, so I just hope I'm not ever going to be a freak who hurts animals.

 

[littleoc]

As in, I'm scared I'm a freak in disguise. Some humans really are awful though

 

[Mee]

I think it’s important to start threads like these lionheart 7777. You needed to talk about it. I think it’s good. Yes, it’s distressing but nobody here who did those things did them from malice or saw them with ‘relish’ . Those of us who have not experienced this can see you and see you are not like that.

my vet puts animals to sleep; and saves them. Just because s/he sees animal death often and does it doesn’t mean it’s his/her aim in life. But rather they have love for animals. So, if they can do it, a child being abused in this way can surely be considered innocent?

 

[Lionheart]

Is this a thread only for the deaths...? I am absolutely haunted by a sexual assault -- a series, really. I was kidnapped and the pedophile was in love with his dog.

@littleoc , Umm, yeah, I think that is a topic for another discussion as this one centers around animal killings, but you are welcome to start a new thread if you like. Perhaps you could call it "animal abuse/bestiality" or something to that effect, maybe that would get the response you are looking for....

Wishing you the best,
Lion

 

[Lionheart]

I'm scared I'm a freak in disguise.

Sorry it has taken me some time to reply to this, but I doubt very seriously that you are a freak in disguise, most people don't worry about such things and the fact that you do tells me that you are not one!

Besides, I believe we all tend to think we are freaks when it comes to the sick, twisted, perverted, personalities that we have had to deal with in our pasts and the things that were done to us. We were good, pure and innocent, ....not at all the stuff they tried to project onto us.

 

[littleoc]

We were good, pure and innocent, ....not at all the stuff they tried to project onto us.

I like that... thank you :)

 

[Lionheart]

Besides the kittens and puppies when I was around 3 to 5 yrs old, there were a couple more events that took place....I had a dog, when I was a boy, that was my constant companion and friend.... my father killed her because she got pregnant... I was lied to about it, for many years, before my mother told me the truth about dad shooting her.

About 15 years before my father passed away, he threatened to kill a stray cat that I had been feeding (as we lived in the same apartment complex). Anyway, I told him I would kill him if he did. I would not have done that, but it felt good that I told him I would.

We moved soon after and I never saw the stray cat again, so I don't know if he killed it of not...I don't think I will ever understand the hatred this man had for cats and small animals, but they were targets because they were my pets.

The messed up thing was that my dad would do things to hurt me in order to punish my mother and things to my mother (or pets) to hurt me, so it was all a psychological mind *&%*@...especially for a young boy to understand why his father seemed to have so much sickness and hate inside of him. I grew up wondering what I had done wrong when in fact, I had done nothing.

I don't suppose I will ever understand just why, but I have every reason to suspect that my father was abused, but turned his anger outwards towards other people. I, on the other hand, blamed myself and took out the pain and anger on myself. I don't know why some people abuse and other don't, but I was never one to want to harm others and I am grateful for that.

I want to thank those that have replied to this thread, I know it is not an easy subject to discuss and I appreciate your sharing!!! I now understand why animals are so near and dear to my heart, why I get so attached to them, and why I am so protective over them.

 

[Muttly]

you haven't done anthing wrong with bringing up this thread. It was a very brave thing. I have had some similar experiences. Not as bad as what you and some of the others here have experienced, but in the same realm. It's horrible stuff. If you need to talk about it, please do. And please know in talking, you are helping others. Look how many of us are realizing we aren't alone in our experiences.