Relationship Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

[Friday]

Needless to say im being ignored again

You get why, right?

Even if you take PTSD entirely off the table, you seriously just dicked this guy over hard.

 

[Veevivianvee]

You get why, right?

Even if you take PTSD entirely off the table, you seriously just dicked this guy ov...

Dicked this guy over ?
Idk what that means

 

[Friday]

Crazy huge drama filled emotional weekend, brutal day tomorrow... and he feels sick today.

So you bombard him with calls and texts reading him the riot act for cancelling on you, & not being immediately available to chew out for not feeling well. Add in big relationship bombs, and guilt trips, and wow.

Can you imagine if a friend did that to you if you cancelled plans because you were sick and had a big day the next day what it would be like? Just a friend... and you without PTSD. Yelled at and guilt tripped for being sick, with implied threats about the friendship ending. It’s just like, holy f*ck.

 

[Veevivianvee]

Crazy huge drama filled emotional weekend, brutal day tomorrow... and he feels sick today.

So you bomb...

I can see your point .. but i said all of that because i dont believe him.he just seems like he's not being honest

 

[Veevivianvee]

Crazy huge drama filled emotional weekend, brutal day tomorrow... and he feels sick today.

So you bomb...

I feel like he knows he can use that as an excuse as it's something i will believe and if i felt like he was telling an ounce of truth i would have continued to be supportive as i have through the dry conversation etc im chasing him and im over it
Ptsd or not i expect honesty and i expect effort. I dont feel like im getting any. last night was the first time i asked to spend time since we reconnected.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is he a liar in general? Or a cheater? What makes you not believe him? Does he have a history of betraying you?

This much drama is not going to work with a PTSD sufferer. You're going to have to learn to self-soothe when your anxiety is getting the best of you. He cannot handle it. That's why he's saying that staying with you will kill him.

VA appointments are hell. Pure and simple. If it's therapy, trauma therapy involves digging up their trauma and kicking it around the room for an hour. My vet falls asleep the second he gets into the car after an appointment and is sick for a few days after. Even if it's just a medical appointment for something else, the VA involves so much f*ckery and stress it's probably going to wind him up into a state too. Don't get me started on administrative BS. The VA has made *ME* cry and yell, and I'm not the one they're treating.

Tips for dating a vet... Lesson one (you learned last time) was "Battle Buddies are off limits". Lesson two "the VA sucks the life out of him". If he acts squirrelly around VA appointment time he is not lying, and he is not making excuses.

He's not talking to you because you stressed him out when his cup was already overflowing. Have you read the stress cup explanation?

 

[Veevivianvee]

Is he a liar in general? Or a cheater? What makes you not believe him? Does he have a...

Let me say this is why i think he's lying
Things that he has said that i think he's not being completely honest about.
He said he didnt text me back during those weeks he was ignoring because his phone didn't work..
I asked him why didnt he try and get a hold of me in some other way to let me know? He did not respond
I asked him straight up if his battle buddy that he lives with does not like me or something i did. He says no he defends you.
Defends me from what? Why would your friend need to defend me he doesnt know me ?? And defend me against who?
These are just a few times since he has come back that i feel he's not being honest...and now its affecting everything else.

Before when things were good and he had to go to the va . He would act a certain way but not the way he is now
Even if he was stressed about the va always a good morning,would always let me know im stressed about the va but I'm doing ok . When the va changed his appointments before he would vent that he didnt know about it or theya sent him a letter in the mail letting him know his appointment would be moved. If we made plans to hang out regardless of va appointments he would commit to them and either i would sleep in while he was at the va or i would go with him and wait for him to come out
It has never been an issue before which makes me wonder wth he's doing

 

[Veevivianvee]

Also i asked if he wanted to talk on the phone a few nights ago he said he couldn't i said ok and was completely fine with it

He then said he would call me after his paintball match that seemed to last from morning until 5pm he never called which is unlike him he texted for a few minutes and then disappeared . All of this behavior to me is unlike him .

 

[OrangeJulius]

Is he a liar in general? Or a cheater? What makes you not believe him? Does he have a history of betraying you?

I would like to know this as well.

What I know about loving a vet with PTSD....everything you wrote makes me believe everything you're saying he said.

I never count on our plans actually happening until we are actually doing them. I don't even count on then if we are getting ready to go.

And the stress of knowing what the next day holds....in my household that would absolutely mean that nothing unnecessary would be going on.

Yes...isolation sucks. It can absolutely feel like you're getting cheated on when you're getting little to nothing from your partner....but you have to be able to talk yourself down because he absolutely won't be able to and asking him to may push him away.

Its ok if that's not a relationship you want. Its hard. Really hard. But it won't change.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Only he can answer most of these questions.

Defends me from what? Why would your friend need to defend me he doesnt know me ?? And defend me against who?

Possibly against him. If they live together your partner may have been going off about you and his battle buddy/roommate might be defending you and trying to bring your partner back to being reasonable.

He said he didnt text me back during those weeks he was ignoring because his phone didn't work..

That's a much easier thing to say than "my head was so loud and I couldn't handle talking to you in any form"

Again, I don't know.... but that's my best guess....and yes I have had the actual phone thing conversation....he said no signal though.

 

[Sighs]

Ptsd or not i expect honesty and i expect effort.

I understand why you expect honesty and effort in a relationship, but I think you need to recognise that a PTSD sufferer is not the partner for you. Here's why. Let's imagine your man is swimming in a river. He's in the really strong current and he's really struggling to stay afloat. I mean, he's literally starting to drown. Then you start complaining that he isn't swimming over to where you are, which is in the shallows of the river. You can swim pretty easily in the shallows and you'd like him to swim next to you. You think he isn't making any effort to get to you. Meanwhile ALL of his efforts need to go into staying afloat because if he starts trying to fight the current and swim over to you he's going to drown LONG before he gets there.

I've been with my veteran for 5 years. He still makes BS excuses for why he hasn't done the housework. He finds it very hard to say "I didn't do the laundry today because I spent the entire day in bed crying" or "it was as much as I could do to shower and get dressed today". A man still has pride and wants to feel like man. Its hard for them to admit to what they see as weakness.

 

[Veevivianvee]

I would like to know this as well.

What I know about loving a vet with PTSD....everything you wro...

Idk ...idk what to do anymore

I understand why you expect honesty and effort in a relationship, but I think you need to recognise that...

Idk its hard for me to cope with the ugly side of this relationship. No everything wont always be good. But i think this is an extreme for me. Its hard for me to admit but this relationship brings out the ugly side of me . apart of me i didn't even know i had until this situation happened

Idk how that posted to everyone i noticed this site acts a little weird when accessed from a cellphone