How to set boundaries?

[bumbles]

Today I had a.. dispute with someone. Really, the last person I really consider a friend. They really broke my trust, and it made me very uncomfortable. Aka, creating a fake profile online pretending to be someone with all the same interests as me in my area.. When I told him what was happening, he got all protective and said "Let me talk to him, I'll put a stop to this"
But it was him the whole time. I'm so creeped out and uncomfortable. He said it was a joke, but I don't want anyone finding that much entertainment in messing with me. That's not okay.

So I thought about it for a few hours, and eventually decided to go off on him, suddenly remembering other things he had done in the past that made me uncomfortable..

Does the delay in time between the event and realizing it's not okay mean I am not being appropriate by being upset by it?

How do you set boundaries with people? I tend to think telling someone they did something that isn't okay will be detrimental to my relationship with them and it scares me. Or I am too forgiving.

Where do you draw the line?

 

[Changing4Best]

First off, what he did was really not OK.

I think delaying is probably a good idea. If you go off on someone right away, before you think logically on what you will say, you could blow it.

How I set boundaries is way to lenient. I wish I had the guts to do it that way you did it.

 

[bumbles]

First off, what he did was really not OK.

I think delaying is probably a good idea. If you go off...

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I needed the extra validation of my feelings on the situation

 

[EveHarrington]

“Does the delay in time between the event and realizing it's not okay mean I am not being appropriate by being upset by it?“

There is no statute of limitations on how long we are permitted to get upset by someone doing us wrong.

Some of us are still waiting to get appropriately upset by the childhood abuse we endured.

 

[LuckiLee]

Am i the only one who finds this whole thing TOTALLY CREEPY? And what were the other things he did in the past that made you uncomfortable? Who does this kind of thing? No one I want to know.

This is one of your friends? He has some serious issues imho. Eeew!

 

[Friday]

Boundaries are what you set for yourself not someone else.

You can tell them -but are not required to- if you f*ck with me in this way, I’m not going to be friends with you. But the actual boundary is : if someone f*cks with me in this way, I’m not going to be friends with them.

Boundaries define what YOUR actions are, in a situation. Not what their actions are.

 

[Deleted member 46752]

Today I had a.. dispute with someone. Really, the last person I really consider a friend. They really b...

do you know this person irl or are they an internet acquaintance?
"How do you set boundaries with people? I tend to think telling someone they did something that isn't okay will be detrimental to my relationship with them and it scares me. Or I am too forgiving.

Where do you draw the line?" I think you need to go no contact with such emotional vampires, there is a clear disconnect between their callousness and your own healing, try not to seek out resolution and or trying to understand what motivates such people it might be hard but many are here for you in this...I too got personal information shared about myself by random weirdos...I think you might be better off not even bringing up the issue with said person and just focus on removing them from your sphere and continue on with your healing...good luck in everything sending good vibes

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that this “friend” has the hots for you but is 1000% socially inept so he thought the way to get you to like him was by creating a fake person who has lots in common with you?

I’m not excusing his behavior in the least as this is a really crappy thing to do to someone.

 

[bumbles]

do you know this person irl or are they an internet acquaintance?
"How do you set boundaries wit...

I somehow only just registered some of this.

He was an online acquaintance, my IRL social skills could use some work.. putting it lightly. I should have cut him out a loooong time ago, but I am terrified of hurting people's feelings or letting them down. That hasn't gone well for me in the past.

Annyyyhow, I blocked him in every way I could. Feels good.

"I think you need to go no contact with such emotional vampires"
A trap I fall into frequently, but hearing this from someone else got me thinking. Taking this advice and running with it, after noticing how much less stress I feel now, thank you! :)

 

[grit]

I think you waiting or delaying to respond was very mature, very adult like and good for anyone having PTSD. What this person did is unacceptable.
Setting boundaries is interesting. I do not think there is a set of ways to do it all the time. For me I grew up in a very intrusive family and find myself wanting to know more than I need; however, I am very conscious of it now so I do not ask a lot of questions or pope anyone. And this I realized makes others not to do the same. Interesting result. I think hard about each question I am asking about why I am asking to know for me or to know them for them. And by then, I may not ask or interfere in others. But again the word boundary means so many different things.