How to survive taking care of sick grandma

[Chitoshi]

I guess this is venting, too, but I'm already ill equipped to deal with my own stress, so taking care of my grandma is wearing on me so badly that I'm starting to get super irritable and upset.

If anyone wants to provide help or sympathy, I'm good with that.

So, my grandma has cancer and is sick. I do love her, but I got guilted into taking care of her for a week a 12 hour drive away from my house. She is driving me bonkers.

She wanted to go to the grocery store yesterday so I go help her grab something and come back and she has like tons of food she doesn't need. So I try to help out and compromise. She got mad in the store and throws most of it on the ground and starts yelling at me about how she's going to starve and it's going to be my fault.

We have a fully stocked fridge/freezer and pantry.

She hoards food like nobody's business, too. She hollered at me (and told me I was very bad) because I threw out expired food that smelled/looked off, and food she told me she wasn't going to eat under any circumstances.

She pulled some of the off food out of the garbage bin 3 hours later and put it into a container because she felt it was a waste.

I am trying not to yell at her because she has always been anxious, and food hoarding for her is not new (her and her 11 siblings nearly starved a few times because abuse/neglect and being super poor, according to her own stories).

It's only been 2 days and I'm at the end of my rope. I cooked for her two days in a row and she started scolding me about not buying takeout instead because she feels I am doing too much for her?

I love her, but she's being super difficult and I never had much patience to begin with. I know she has no filter now, and struggles to remember things. I'm just not certain how to have unending patience in a place where I know no one but her and won't be leaving until the 5th.

I just went upstairs to take a break because she started yelling at me about doing the dishes, so I stopped, then she started doing them and saying she can't have a dirty kitchen but can't put the dishes away because she physically can't.

I got up to help her do it and she started yelling at me about coming to help. So I said ok, left to go upstairs, and now she's at the bottom of the stairs crying and yelling for me that she just can't have a dirty kitchen and she hopes I'm not mad at her and to not tell my mom.

I'm not sure how to handle this right now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My heart goes out to. First of all, you drove 12 hours to get there, how dare anyone should insult you. It was in the part of your post that you mentioned your grandmas difficult childhood and it made me think she’s abusive too. It gets kind of a gray zone with the elderly. She has cancer, has it spread to her brain? Is she getting treatment? Is she having a bad reaction to meds? In the elderly, everything is magnified. Me and my siblings took turns trying to help my mother regain her strength at age 85. She has dementia. She pulled some wild shit, but we knew it was her dementia. She’s in a nursing home rotting to death but she gets really mean.
So what can be done to help her not be so difficult? Can you call her doctors and just make them aware of her behavior? They probably can’t give you any confidential info about her, but they do appreciate input from caregivers. Perhaps tranquilizers to get her less frantic. Tomorrow’s Monday. I’d call her doc before the holiday on Wednesday.
You can get support from your local agency on aging. They will support you. In the meantime, let her have her way except for eating rotten food (that happens to old people. They lose their sense of smell). And although she is your elder, you have the right to set boundaries with her. I totally get the bonkers feeling. My mom thinks people are her old friends and she goes in their rooms and yells at them. They’ve moved her three times because the families of her victims demand it.
Please keep venting, you need to share your burden or you’ll just get wasted with the extremes of her behavior.
I hope for your sake that she gets help from Hospice if she’s terminally ill.

 

[Chitoshi]

Thanks, the cancer is in her brain. It's just frustrating that she yells at me then gets upset when I get mad. I really don't want to go back downstairs but I have to. She's called for me then wants to know if I'm mad at her.

She has cancer treatment tomorrow. I don't know if there's anything I can do about it. She's always been ornery when things don't go her way and I'm struggling to not take it personally.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Will anyone be relieving you for a break?

 

[Chitoshi]

On Thursday I will be flying back out. I feel bad for her, she is just really needy and I caught her on a really bad anxiety week.

She found out today they're recommending hospice. She's known her cancer is terminal for 2 years now she just has been in denial. I feel bad for her, I just can't be on call 24/7.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hospice are great people. They will do everything possible to comfort her and you don’t have the power to help her that way. End of life is never easy on the family, especially if you were expected to be there 24/7. No one can keep that up. Don’t break your own heart over this. It’s admirable that you traveled so far to pitch in.

 

[Rumors]

I am going to take a different stance here only because I have been there not only with my grandmother but my mom as well. First, it's a week not a lifetime. Second, why did you agree to care for her if you weren't prepared to do what was necessary. It's not like you didn't know she was terminally ill with brain cancer. Find some patience and compassion for where she is in her journey and try not to be angry with her. Finally, I want to point out that end of life care will ultimately be the most caring and sharing thing you can do for and with someone that you love. You are there for a week, not a lifetime. Spend that time with her sharing stories and information. When she is gone, she will take those stories with her and sometimes those things are all you have to reflect on. I am certainly not without empathy because I know it is hard to care for someone however I won't share sympathy. In a week you get to go home but your grandmother will still be terminally ill. I have sympathy for her and her illness and hope that whatever time she has left is spent surrounded by people who make her last days comfortable and share love and respect.
I realize this seems harsh and it isn't meant to be judgmental but only to possibly help you frame it differently. You are in a position to truly bring peace and comfort to someone in need... don't skip that opportunity or you might regret it later. Sending you strength and hopes you can muster the courage to see this through in a way that you would want to happen if the shoe were on the other foot. Hang in there.

 

[Chitoshi]

I agree with you, Rumor. And I agreed even though I wasn't prepared because my mom started crying when I told her no then said she always gets the raw end of the stick whenever my aunt decides to do something last minute and she couldn't see why she couldn't have a vacation just because my aunt decided to make plans and not tell anyone, so like ALWAYS, it's up to her (my mother) to carry the burden instead of anyone stepping in. So that's why I stepped in even though I said I wasn't prepared.

 

[Rumors]

I agree with you, Rumor. And I agreed even though I wasn't prepared because my mom started crying when...

I hear you and am sorry you feel unprepared BUT!!! You have got this. See it as an opportunity not something being done to you. My fear is you will regret not just spending time with your grandma. At the end of life, whatever goes. If she wants a swig of Borglum, give her one. If she wants pot brownies, eat one with her. Just let go of what you think is supposed to be and just let it be. Dirty house? So what.. dishes in the sink? Who cares!
Sincerely all my best wishes. The frame in which you stick a picture in makes it a masterpiece or just a bad photo. Make your time a masterpiece.

 

[Tinyflame]

Normally @Chitoshi only one (or no) family member primarily steps in.

I agree with @Rumors . It's one week. Brain cancer or spread there usually markedly affects behaviour and personality.

Throw out the rules, try to use distraction. She won't realize what she's doing, either. Don't agree it will feel like a masterpiece necessarily, as she is not capable of how she was pre-illness, but you may still be able to get some good moments in there. If she's safe and pain is managed, you're accomplishing a lot, too.

:hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chitoshi I hear what others are saying, but ultimately I want to assure you that not everyone has the ability to “just let it go” if that were possible, there would be no need for a support group for PTSD sufferers. Why of course we would all be better off if we could let all the abuse in our life go.
Secondly, I have 40 years in Medicine. You don’t have to convince me of the difficulty dealing with a person that has been so abusive to you as well as untreated mental illness. The end of life is just as hard to witness if the person was dying of COPD or kidney failure. It is what it is, and in medicine, we do not rank people by virtue of their diagnosis. All lives matter. You were miles away from your safe place and had little choice in the matter. I admire that you put her needs above your own. It’s not like you can take turns with other family members.
I will repeat that this is a job for Hospice. The time for building some semblance of a warm fuzzy grandma has passed. Do not feel guilty. You did the best you could. Once Hospice is in, they will manage her passing with dignity and narcotics. There are Hospice centers everywhere. They take the anxiety from being directed at loved ones. It truly is a relief to have help.

 

[Chitoshi]

Thanks everyone. My grandma is considering hospice but she's so scared and is fighting it because she's worried it will "drain her savings" and that she "won't get better" that way. My aunt will be home on the 15th, and my cousin will be coming on the 6th.

I've never dealt with dealing with a sick loved one beyond the occasional "let me make you chicken soup cold" care. I've also never seen this side of her as she's never done this kind of behavior with me, and it got to be too much when I wrote out my post. I appreciate everyone's advice and sympathy greatly. I know she's scared and it comes out as incredibly clingy, but I just needed 30 minutes to an hour of reprieve and it was just her calling for me the entire time and I didn't know what to do.

We had a much better day today, between the arguments which have been pretty regular and one-sided (I haven't been arguing with her, she's just been mad at me because I threw out the moldy food, or have tried to re-direct her when she starts talking bad about family members. Instead I'll change it to asking her if I can talk to her about my wedding planning, new puppy-to-come, etc).

It'll be fine. I'm hoping it'll be an even better day tomorrow.