Making big decisions while irrational/in a depressed state/triggered/

[scout86]

avoid was all he did for a decade burying it and denying it,

The reason i decided to give therapy a try is that avoiding things wasn't working real well. LOL (Although, for a long time I thought it was working great.)

"Yeah? And how's THAT working for you?" Is something my T says a lot. I've sort of adopted it as the thing I ask myself when i REALLY don't want to show up.

Some of this he might hear easier, coming from his brother. Or, another vet. It's easy to go with "they just don't understand." My personal favorite PTSD book is "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior." You both find something that helpful. It might help him to know that a lot of what's he's going through isn't unique to him. In fact, it's NOT him, it's the PTSD.

 

[Friday]

I learned to call a Moratorium on major decision making when stressed out... a long time ago. Following countless and profoundly regretted choices. Hey, even a jarhead can learn... eventually. ;)

My suggestion would be to ask him to wait a year. If he still wants a divorce in a year you’ll give him one, with no argument, no questions asked. Until then, you don’t want to just roll over, & want to fight for him, and fight for your family, and you want him to fight... instead of making decisions in pain he may come to regret later. Doesn’t mean he has to start fighting right now, you understand being tired, that’s why you’ve given him everything he’s asked for to date. But? He can do a year, standing on his head, and he owes it to THIS team to see if shit can get squared away. He wants a plan? Here’s a plan. Give it a year, and then decide. In the meantime, you can live separately, coparent, the whole 9.

A whole helluva lot about dealing with PTSD -in my experience- is about creating delaying actions & rally points. Giving yourself time to get through hard shit, whilst protecting what you stand to lose, time to regroup... instead of making hard things harder. Sadly, it takes time to learn that just because it feels like now is forever, doesn’t mean it’s true. I used to nuke my life and walk away from the world pretty damn regularly. It took me years to learn that what felt solid, was probably only going to last -on the outside- 6 weeks to 6 months. And could easily last far less. That’s not forever. Hell. Sometimes? That’s just a vacation.

He might not change his mind in a year. You might change your mind in a few months. But if you can get him to slow down instead of rushing through? There’s at least a fighting chance. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast, fast is lethal... can be easy to forget. The impulse when anxiety/rage/fear is running hot is to go-go-go. Ain’t usually the smartest thing to do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

A DIY divorce when kids are involved is a baaaaaad idea, even if all parties are being rational.

Just because he brings home paper doesn't mean you have to cooperate. I agree with @Friday's suggestion of waiting for a period of time.

You don't have to roll over to keep the peace or try and make him happy. This would be an instance of when you need to be thinking the kids and your stability first. Trust me, a bad divorce settlement made without a lawyer's advice can financially devastate a family.

 

[Brooke81]

Some of this he might hear easier, coming from his brother. Or, another vet

I have encouraged/asked since the beginning of he could share with a friend from the deployment he says was what changed him, he didn’t want to because he’s heard them speak negatively of PTSD, then it was that they wouldn’t understand from his Officer persepective. Because I wrote the wife of one of them he finally stopped ignoring his texts but I don’t know how honest he’s been with him. Also asked if he would go to group and he has said no, no, maybe (that means no but I’ll say maybe to get you to stop asking). He’s talked to the vets he was doing races with and they all pretty much said live your journey. No one said - the amount of alcohol you drink is hindering your progress, you skipping appointments is BS, etc. I don’t know how to get this person in his life. But I definitely understand That a civilian can’t help like a fellow vet. I’ve sent him awesome testimonials of guys that have figured it out and he won’t even watch them. I wish he would come to understand as you have, he’s not the only one, it isn’t him it’s PTSD. I will look into that book!! Thank you for the recommendation.

A whole helluva lot about dealing with PTSD -in my experience- is about creating delaying actions & rally points.

everything you said is exactly right on, He needs to wait. I guess he hasn’t made it through enough lows to know he will eventually not feel this. Moratorium on big decisions is so smart, you are fortunate to have figured that out. I still have seen flashes of who he really is, he thinks things can’t ever be the same (right now). Thank you so much for your response. I wish I could put you in a room with my husband and convince him!!

Just because he brings home paper doesn't mean you have to cooperate

this is exactly right. I told him that yesterday. Passionately. I AM NOT READY. So say you are certain, I am not, and I have a lot to factor in. I already planned on talking to someone just to be armed with some knowledge, but wasn’t aware he was going to move so fast (less than a week since he mentioned and he already printed and filled in as much as he could, just unreal) and spent last week trying to get in with a therapist. Plus we are not going to be able to agree on this until he is honest with me about his symptoms, tells me his treatment, gets rid of guns, and quits drinking. No way our babies will be with him without all of these circumstance being met.

 

[scout86]

I wish he would come to understand as you have, he’s not the only one, it isn’t him it’s PTSD

What made the difference there, for me, has been this site. You read enough variations the same theme and, eventually, a light begins to come on.

have encouraged/asked since the beginning of he could share with a friend

This is a divide I can't explain and don't understand (yet). "Normal" are so utterly convinced that "talking about stuff" is a good idea. From my perspective, it seems like the worst possible idea. I've lost track of the number of times I've had this conversation with my T.
Scout, "Talking about things doesn't change anything, what happened happened, end story."
T, "Yes it does and i can show you the neuroscience to prove it."
Scout (rolls eyes) T (laughs) "I knew you were going to do that."

He also tells me people don't want to be alone. Seems to me there's no reason to want anyone else to be in this place and why would they ever want to be? Places like this forum, or another similar group, folks are already there, you aren't imposing a journey they could avoid. I accept that that view probably doesn't make sense from a supporters point of view, but, from here, it's as real as anything.