@Pippi427 , as I wrote in your other thread about this, breaking up is still fresh for me too. It's been 3 months since we broke up, but only one month since he moved out and we were together for about a year and a half. Even now, I get urges to contact him. I think it's 1. natural/hormonal, the feelings of bonding isn't going to go away quickly. I think of this part as something I just need to endure. I remember telling a friend once who was trying to get over a guy who was not good for her that what she's feeling is the same reason why prostitutes will go back to their pimps. They actually feel loved by them and prefer that life over being alone. I know that's an extreme example, but I just thought it was a good one because a woman sometimes will override so much to keep that bond that I think is as biological as a duck's imprint of her partner FOR LIFE. It feels so wrong to lose that bond even when it's no good on a healthy level. But over time, it does get better. I know because I've been through this before and I'm waiting for that.
2. I feel like there are issues that were left unresolved and it feels important somehow to tie up loose ends. I feel like communication would have solved so many problems both when I was in the relationship and now in reflecting about it.
But this is what I actually did do: nothing. I strongly feel that there are no words that will resolve any issue with him. I think that struggle is with himself alone and I'm giving him that space. But also, I don't want to feed anymore into his distorted view of me. I want him to confront himself at this time and see that his problems are still there even without me (not sure if he has that kind of insight). In general, I also think that the more effort and words you give to him, the more power you give to him. I think devoting that energy to healing and reflecting on those aspects of yourself that are being touched by this pain is more helpful. For me, break-ups and heartache bring a lot of feelings of childhood issues of rejection, abandonment, etc. that I think gets mixed up with the feelings of heartache. For me, it's actually an ideal time to do ptsd work in healing. I imagined my dad who abused me apologizing for being in part responsible for my poor choices of men that lead me to be so disappointed yet again (long story, but I follow van der Kolk's advice about reimagining my story so that I get what I need in my thoughts if not in reality. It helps to resolve ptsd triggers which might be seen as a continued, repeated effort to find resolution). It makes me cry when I think of my abusive dad as a caring one who learned his lesson in heaven how wrong he was and how much he wants to be there for me now. Is that weird?
I don't know if that helps.
