The mistakes we make with boundaries

[Teasel]

Dunno where this goes. Feel free to move.

So I only discovered a few years ago a core mistake I made re boundaries. Thanks to someone here actually (@Friday )

The mistake is in thinking that having good boundaries means others respect your wishes. Or to look at it another way, you get to control others with your boundaries. Not such a pleasant realisation.

And of course that's not what boundaries are about at all. They are about what I do when others behave as they do and their behaviour is unacceptable to me in some way. Eg walk away, don't see them again or what have you.

Well I've noticed plenty of others here make the same mistakes I do, and I was pondering why some of us make those mistakes and some don't.

Maybe it's growing up with healthy boundaries modelled? Is there anything else involved? Is it more common to make this mistake in those of us with C-PTSD?

Yeah and what specifically might be behind getting this wrong if anything?

 

[Chris-duck]

Maybe it's growing up with healthy boundaries modelled?

Probably a big part of it. I grew up being told we have to love family unconditionally and not to let friends or boyfriends treat me like shit. Which has left me with a bit of a dysfunctional family relationship (close family and extended tbh) and absolutely brutal boundaries at times with friends/partners. So it's not so much whether I know how to put boundaries in place as it is about whether I have the right to do it in the first place and what I'll put up with first and from who.

Is there anything else involved?

I imagine personality type and general life experiences outside of trauma play a big part too. People are less likely to put boundaries in place with someone if they don't have many other people around them for one.

Is it more common to make this mistake in those of us with C-PTSD?

I'd say so. Cos that messes with a lot of interpersonal things, trust and things like that. And dependent on type of trauma, the (possibly subconscious) belief that our actions have a direct impact on other people's actions ("look what you just made me do" or whatever). When in reality people do whatever and are in control of what they do regardless.

 

[Teasel]

look what you just made me do"

Yeah I reckon that might be key. Growing up being made to think you caused the abuser to abuse.

Also thinking of another mistake o didnt know I was making until I reached my 30's

(Hahaha I knew what I was thinking about when I started that sentence... ok so gimme a minute)

Oh yeah thinking that others get to define my reality.

If others say something bad about me then it must be true ir else if I can't somehow fight back / speak up for myself / make them see my side of the story then it's unbelievably painful.

I didnt know until my 30's that I can let another's negative assessment of me fly right over my head like the flying pile of crap it is..

Is this related to not having good boundaries?

 

[Mee]

I think this is a mistake non ptsd peeps make too.

I am generally pretty ‘good’ with boundaries. I set my limits and then respect them. It’s part of how I built my adult hood. But......then there is that rare situation in a situation where for one reason or another I Don’t ( gaslighting, don’t realise my boundary is crossed) or can’t ( physically trapped) such as in my trauma situation . There are times however great we are at enforcing our boundaries ( walking away) you cannot.

But yes, I absolutely think people think it means saying ‘you crossed my boundaries’ angrily.... and doing what they are accusing that person of themselves.

 

[Ronin]

Is this related to not having good boundaries?

I think you need to know what boundaries are and are not, and how to set and enforce them, first...

Not a mistake you did not know about the concept. :sneaky: Just not knowing.

In trauma situations, I think the boundary talk gets totally complicated... because part of trauma is someone already violated your boundaries. That someone doesnt give a f*ck, so you could have the best boundaries in the world, that does not reflect on you they walk over them.

And it also forces you to make entirely new set of boundaries, for the trauma itself, which can very collide with and errode all the other ones.

 

[grit]

Walking away from situation doesn't mean you have strong boundary if you spent the next 10, 20,30+ years carrying that person in your head!
Walking away just protects you physically not psychologically.
A lot of people make this mistake.
I recently released my mother, violent abuser, psychologically and I learned what was damaged exactly was not my body but my mind too.... viscerally.

 

[The Albatross]

Mistakes I made with boundaries... making one without out notifying the others. Not laying out consequences for transgressions with others, and not allowing that new boundaries (anything that bucks the heretofore status quo) would be tested. Being wishy-washy and inconsistent... doing the work/knowing what consequences would do not only to the relationship but in secondary personal issues if/should a consequence be meted out.

The bottom line in a nutshell... know/learn/seek to understand the full scope and potential other issues for others and yourself. Boundary setting is for those who can be consistently committed. Sending mixed signals, waffling, or wishy-washyness only undermines your better/more practiced attempts later on.

No one NO ONE… ever likes change. It's destabilizing and sometimes fear or insecurity inducing when anyone in a relational dynamic changes the "rules".

to look at it another way, you get to control others with your boundaries. Not such a pleasant realisation.

HUH???? Nope. What you get to control is the access you give a person to affect/impact/interact with you within terms and conditions. Sorry but you don't "get to control others with your boundaries". Why? Because they can do whatever they want, whenever and however they want including stick or leave. If you set boundaries in an attempt to "control others" you've got the wrong motivation and are misusing it.

Even if healthy boundary setting is not modeled as a young person... one can bring themselves up to snuff by education. I have though had the benefit of a few healthier role models as a middle to older now aged woman.

 

[DharmaGirl]

The mistake is in thinking that having good boundaries means others respect your wishes. Or to look at it another way, you get to control others with your boundaries. Not such a pleasant realisation.

@The Albatross, she was saying that getting to control others was her mistake.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think it's important to set boundaries out loud when a situation just keeps going on. If you just let it go and that works, great, I try to do this. When the situation continues, I set a boundary out loud.

 

[The Albatross]

ah yeah, k thanks Dharma. Ignore that bit then... but then there's the rest.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Even if healthy boundary setting is not modeled as a young person... one can bring themselves up to snuff by education. I have though had the benefit of a few healthier role models as a middle to older now aged woman.

I'm trying so hard to learn this. All of what you said. It is hard to do for me but it is becoming easier. I used to have a lot of friends who used me and walked all over me. They would make comments on my motivations. One even accused me of thinking bad thoughts about her and her boyfriend, which caused them to fight. I laughed and she took that as me agreeing. When I look back, I can see if I set clear boundaries these people would have left. That would have been best, but I wanted to have friends and mistakenly thought that's the way to keep them. I also labeled them abusive, which they were, but had I known how to set healthy boundaries at the time, I wouldn't have allowed them to abuse me.

 

[MrMoonlight]

When I think of boundaries I think of myself as the dot in the center of a blank page. Then I envision concentric circles surrounding that dot. If there are 4 circles or boundaries around me the one furthest away is where you hold maybe new acquaintances or people that have proven to be abusive on whatever level. They don't have access to me emotionally or physically. If a person proves to be trustworthy and respectful they can move in one boundary where I start considering their opinion and friendship. If they prove me wrong they go right back to the outer circle.

More specific boundaries I've had to set recently was limiting access to my personal space. I have set emotional boundaries with my mom, I just don't discuss personal, emotional things with her anymore. She has proven untrustworthy so she got moved out a circle. I set hard physical boundaries too, she is not allowed free roam of my space. Even if she sees me with open door sitting in my chair she now knows she is not allowed to just walk in...really a boundary I have set for this side of the house.