Sexual Assault Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex

[grit]

The more I read this I wonder what you are looking for? A lot of us are here with severe ptsd. Some are still making decisions that are putting themselves dangerous or their children's lives. A lot of adults stay in abusive relationships for many years. Some adults sexually abuse their children or self harm....why do we all do these horrific things? Because we are damaged,broken,on a mission to tear self hate our, it makes no sense or difference. We are hurt, our indentities were compromised. We did not feel anything. We wanted to feel anything...even pain.

What you did at the beginning of your adulthood says a lot about your developmental and childhood pain. I am sorry you had such a start into adulthood. It is painful. You are ashamed and unable to give it a name. You may never be able to define or it may be defined in a way you may not expect. It is your experience. It added resilience and knowledge about human condition no mention understanding compassion. You lived to tell. I hope you find a feeling...your truth but to me it seems, you were abusing your body and you were vulnerable and you were young and inexperienced and you did not know what you know today.

 

[Freida]

It's just a "would things have been easier/less violence/more predictable/whatever" if I had just decided to do that. Although I know that's not something I wanted, just another way I could have, but didn't, get control of it I guess.

I've been battling this myself. If I had just given in sooner would it have gone easier? Maybe if he had broken me faster it wouldn't have been as bad. But I think the part you and I are missing is it's not about sex. It's about power. It's about messing with our minds. It's about proving who is in control --- and making sure you understand that's not you.

. It's kinda like "no. There's a way you coulda stopped it. So find it!" Like I know the only choices were ones that didn't affect the outcome. So I know that essentially my decisions didn't matter, but I'm not okay with that ? it's okay, I'll get there I guess..

The decision to not have to go thru this?
Was never your decision to make in the first place.
That decision was taken away from you. And that sucks.
Because it was about power

Now stop for a minute and give yourself credit for getting away!
They didn't let you go
You escaped.

I hated them from first time and I guess I hate that one lapse in judgement (meeting them first time) lead to what it did.

Yep. Just like my lapse in judgement was to open the door.
(oh ya -- I went there! :hug: :laugh:)

 

[Chris-duck]

The more I read this I wonder what you are looking for?

Similar stories, for it to make sense in my head, usual stuff really.

A lot of us are here with severe ptsd. Some are still making decisions that are putting themselves dangerous or their children's lives. A lot of adults stay in abusive relationships for many years. Some adults sexually abuse their children or self harm....why do we all do these horrific things? Because we are damaged,broken,on a mission to tear self hate our, it makes no sense or difference. We are hurt, our indentities were compromised. We did not feel anything. We wanted to feel anything...even pain.

Yeah, my child Vs teen Vs adult argument wasn't ever that adults couldn't still be vulnerable or in crap situations, purely a legal thing. Where 16yos have more freedom to move around the UK than a 15yo. Wasn't judging adults in DV situations or anything.

What you did at the beginning of your adulthood

What part of what I did?

You are ashamed

I'm actually not. Well, I am about a lot of things, and a lot of decisions, but not about the situation as a whole. Should I be? :laugh:

But I think the part you and I are missing is it's not about sex. It's about power. It's about messing with our minds. It's about proving who is in control --- and making sure you understand that's not you.

Yeah, I know. Or making us think we are in control but are controlling it wrong so look what I just made them do.

The decision to not have to go thru this?
Was never your decision to make in the first place.
That decision was taken away from you. And that sucks.
Because it was about power

Yeah, I guess. Unless we go right back to the start.. ?

Now stop for a minute and give yourself credit for getting away!
They didn't let you go
You escaped.

Thanks.

Yep. Just like my lapse in judgement was to open the door.
(oh ya -- I went there! :hug::laugh:)

It's different :laugh:
Opening a door is a neutral action. I knew I was walking into somewhere that wasn't exactly safe. I can't mind why I knew but I was pretty positive it was a bad decision before I got there. It's just my "meh what's the worst that can happen?" cocky approach to life that f*cks me over :laugh:

 

[The Albatross]

"I hate that one lapse in judgement (meeting them first time) lead to what it did" - Yup, same here. One ill informed decision lead to all the rest and kept me on high alert for about two years. Basically I came to the conclusion that it compounded my problems... didn't trust DV/abusive parents, didn't trust institutions, didn't trust intent of others much before the initial incident anyways.... then didn't trust MYSELF.

I just eventually concluded (once out of the area) that, like I shared before... what happened was either a straight up crime or duress crime(s) and that nothing good would be gained by self condemnation for believing (the initial thing) that I was going on a date and it was supposed to be out to dinner.

"I hate that one lapse in judgement lead to what it did". <=---- THAT'S what has to be rectified. That's where the unresolved issue was for me. Hate masks personal insecurities. Already knowing the world was an unsafe/risky place... already knowing bad shit happens... already being conditioned that cops/agencies/authorities look the other way... what shattered was my ability to trust/rely on myself.

To pick that apart, I ultimately could agree with the fact that "childhood trauma—due to circumstances like neglect or exposure to violence—creates young adults fundamentally unable to correctly consider risk and make healthy life decisions". I had a great many bad decisions that could have been made. I made it to almost 19 and only made a few. The worst mistake in judgment then, was what I shared here. Percentage - wise, I did pretty damned good... although the damage caused by the experiencing of it lasted for years.

I had to put down the billy club my ruminating brain was beating me up with, and keep putting it down and in tandem turn myself towards goals or strategies where I could try to repair/foster/rekindle that sense of being able to trust myself.

Maybe assistive?

 

[grit]

Just noticed you posted under sexual assault...maybe that is it.

 

[Chris-duck]

Already knowing the world was an unsafe/risky place... already knowing bad shit happens... already being conditioned that cops/agencies/authorities look the other way... what shattered was my ability to trust/rely on myself.

Yeah. I think same here really. Like I didn't (eh, don't..) trust other people/institutions etc. But I've always trusted my own judgement. Then I'm mad at myself for judging it right, but not listening to myself. But yeah, fair point, I did not too bad outside of that. And it's all with hindsight etc. Yeah. I dunno.

turn myself towards goals or strategies where I could try to repair/foster/rekindle that sense of being able to trust myself.

You mind sharing what sorta strategies helped you?

Just noticed you posted under sexual assault...maybe that is it.

Heh. Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm not really up for arguing whether I was sleeping around due to previous crap or whether it was assault right now. Let's just chalk it up to misunderstanding and move on.

 

[The Albatross]

Will give it a think/try to recollect and come back to try to put together strategies. Kinda stirred up some stuff and was gonna come back anyways to say.... cast around at the entire/whole situation in your life at that time. In my case, I had other dicey and emotionally impactful stuff going on:

My ex boyfriend (3 years) was hospitalized after I went to boot and tech school - had a breakdown and his family was pissed at me.

Had a romance in tech school - fell in love with the guy who would later be husband #1 (so considered myself unavailable for hook up/sexual activity... he was 1300 miles away and I didn't have $$$ to have a phone so was cut off except for snail mail.)

Was simultaneously dealing with unwanted touching and coercion from my Chief/Supervisor and documenting that... was being validated by civilian and other active duty staff and was being assisted by my sponsor. That was ongoing for a while in tandem as well... IF I reported, I'd have reported both and didn't trust how "well that would be received" or "if I would be believed"... cuz I was way outnumbered.

Was in temp quarters for several months where the group was housed also... work associations/friendships being out (cuz of the verbally sexually abusive and inappropriate touching CMSgt)... even though there was something off about the clique it felt safer and after a few months on my own solo I was motivated to get social interactions/know people/get some friends.

Mother's employment was more lay off than working... I was sending her money.

Dad was still and asshole and abusive bastard at that point.

I honestly didn't know procedures for reporting... though and the secondary wounding in hindsight was that I was not adequately able to report it being too new to know the stuff. But basically my own bias prevented me from reporting the rape.

Some other stuff.

So one thing right off the top of my head was to take into account the WHOLE picture. What else was going on at that time? It didn't take an Einstein for me to see how my "mistake" occurred within the context of the time and situations. The really subtle "off"/"something's off about him/about them/about this" was competing with a lot of other issues.

May be assistive?

 

[The Albatross]

I'm mad at myself for judging it right, but not listening to myself.

Mad at yourself... ya so was I... but to volunteer to put yourself through a grinder for it indefinitely???? Naaawwwwww. That's maladaptive self harm basically and a cognitive distortion cuz it's disproportionate and irrational... way skewed.

Hate the perps or the situation... be mad... being mad is okay so long is it doesn't create a self punishing maladaptive loop.

 

[Mee]

@The Albatross ?. I could write some of that. The authorities, unsafe world etc.

I go back over my bad decisions a lot. I went almost two decades keeping myself safe. What changed? I don’t know. Shrug.

Fwiw I also get extremely agitated watching others victim blame. I can question me, or watch others self question. My therapist can. Others can go to hell.

Recovery that involves feeling safe or denial of infrastructure failure/ societal problems is not something I can consider. It feels like swapping one type of disorder for another one.

 

[Mee]

Heh. Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm not really up for arguing whether I was sleeping around due to previous crap or whether it was assault right now. Let's just chalk it up to misunderstanding and move on.

I am inspired by this grace.

 

[The Albatross]

@Mee

I also get extremely agitated watching others victim blame. I can question me, or watch others self question. My therapist can. Others can go to hell.

I expect that as you are able to get some levity it will improve.

 

[Mee]

@Mee I expect that as you are able to get some levity it will improve.

I hope so. It’s like a whole different side of my behaviour that never existed before. On the plus side I guess, it proved to be the key to unlock anger I couldn’t connect with in therapy. I still find it hard to feel anger for my perps, but their friends ..., unfairly, is where my anger lands.