I wasn't told not to tell, but I chose not to tell because I knew it would destroy my mom (my father was the sexual abuser) and my whole family. Well, guess what? It almost destroyed ME. And then my whole family ended up finding out anyway because I had to tell my brother so that he'd protect his daughter from my father, then my brother told everyone.
It's really sick how abusers not only abuse, but mess with a child's mind too by threatening them. It's what keeps them safe from being found out. I'm so sorry for what happened to you...I know how painful it is. I'm glad you're seeking treatment for it. For me, it happened over 4 decades ago, and although I still think about it now and then, it doesn't control me any more and it doesn't feel like an open wound.
I tried for so long to pretend it didn't happen, but that only led to so many unhealthy behaviors that I was slowly self-destructing. What I can say is, don't let what happened to you define who you are or steal your future from you. What was stolen from you in the past is over. You CAN heal from this, you CAN be an overcomer, you CAN have a future healthy relationship.
A key part of my healing was forgiveness, which is something that is hugely misunderstood. It's not something you do for the other person...rather, it's a gift you give to yourself to be set free from the bondage of rage, fear, self-loathing, shame, guilt, all that. I was so tormented by all those things until I forgave him, which, by the way, I was only able to do with God's help. God wants us to forgive because He knows that it's the only way to heal from the inside out.
I learned later that my father grew up in an occult household that participated in satanic ritual abuse. So it helped me to understand why he did what he did, which doesn't let him off the hook, it just lends understanding to me. I actually came to pity the man, who destroyed his life by hurting every single person in his life in one way or another. So tragic. He played out his own rage, hurt, trauma, and mental illness on everyone around him.
God has healed me so deeply that I live a life of joy, contentment, and healthy ways of coping with life's challenges. I'm not perfect and I struggle in many ways like we all do, but overall I feel so healed and free. I want this for you. I pray that the healing journey you're on will lead you to that place of freedom and health. Blessings to you, friend.
