General Biting himself, scratching himself

[Never_falter2]

My vet returned to biting himself, scratching himself which he has done in the past but he managed to cope and mostly stop it... and now it has returned and is worse then ever. When I tell him not to he often gets angry at me and asks me why I think it is my business and refuses to discuss it.

He currently often does it when discussing things that stress him... and when I told him I cannot talk to him while he is scratching himself he refused to talk to me - like told me under this circumstances he is not gonna discuss the topic with me like cause he sort of wants to be scratching himself.?

Sometimes helps when his hands have something else to do sometimes doesn’t.

 

[Never_falter2]

Have not explained this very well. You probably wonder why I have to talk to him about a topic if he doesn’t want to and I don’t want to.

To give an example: I wanted to go horse-riding (correct English word?) with my friend, but my guy thought it was to dangerous under current circumstances - though it is allowed under current rules. He told me not to, I asked him why, he was stressed, scratching himself. I told him not to, he got mad at me said it was not the point of the discussion - but I cannot talk to somebody who is scratching himself till it bleeds.

I ended up not riding out (correct English word?) with her because I couldn’t convince her and noticed it would stress him too much... but I cannot even have a discussion with him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you think it’s like self harm? Like the pain is distracting him from his trigger?

 

[Never_falter2]

I am not sure. Maybe. I asked him why he was doing that (long ago). He said he had no idea. That it happened to him. Just like something that happens to him, doesn’t do it on purpose, cannot stop it.

Then he managed to get rid of that. Now it is there again.

He feels pretty much criticized when I tell him not too... you know, because he doesn’t do it on purpose and he told me it make him like I am telling him he sucks. Told me that back then.
But it is horrible to watch and I really cannot talk to him when he does it.

 

[Friday]

1. What Sweetpea said.

2. If so... Does he box? Skip rope? Jog? Other kind of exercise, ideally involving pain or concentration? ... Men are easier to talk to when they’re doing something, anyway, but it can become very very necessary when their stress is up. I won’t even talk to my son, sometimes, until he gets in the car, or agrees to talk in the garage (heavy bag / weights)... because he’s simply too emotional. He either needs the relief of not needing to make eye contact / distraction (car ride), for thoughtful conversation... or to be blowing off steam when his emotions are rising. I CAN talk with him, at any point, it’s just a kindness on my part to wait until he’s in a situation that makes talking easier.

I wanted to go horse-riding (correct English word?)

I wanted to go horseback riding with my friend.
I wanted to ride horses with my friend.
I wanted to go riding with my friend.

All 3 correct, the last assumes the listener knows what kind of riding (horses, bikes, snowboarding, etc.).

I ended up not riding out (correct English word?) with her

I ended up not going riding with her. <<< Most correct, if horseback was used earlier, the listener knows what kind of riding it is.
I ended up not going horseback riding with her. <<< also correct, just stilted to repeat the same phrase over, if there are alternatives.

 

[Survivor3]

I agree with @Friday . And also maybe understand your partner. It's like when I'm in counselling. I find it easier to talk whilst im doing something else, otherwise the emotions of what I'm talking about overwhelm me. Can you get him some beads to handle or something for his hands to focus on.

 

[Ronin]

Or, could you teach yourself to not mind for a while?

I know not ideal, but maybe if there isn't *added* stress of trying to control that self soothing behavior that comes out as self harm, maybe he will scratch less and feel less stressed.

As maybe it's not the behavior that's the problem... but what drives it.

And getting rid of the coping mech he is only further backed into the corner, without you meaning that at all and meaning only well.

As to horses - can you tell him how aawesome :woot: kickass action it is? Super lot fun :sneaky: With a friend, experienced rider, with X years of experience, this and that training, certification, prizes won, with links of this or that organization, all solid trustworthy people (here's a phone for all of them and hours to call, and who to ask for, dear)?

As something that signals back Safety, people have your back, the activity is both well secured and organized, people will mind your well being in his inpresence, and you will be reachable, hence the contacts left.

With time it may start to register it's not only something to let you join, but to encourage.

 

[Survivor3]

Just thought of something @Never_falter2. Maybe he's jealous that you have friends and of the horse riding....? Is it possible that you can invite him and involve him? I've heard experiences with horses are very good for ptsd.

 

[Never_falter2]

Oops, sorry you got me wrong. He is not afraid because I want to go riding. He rides too and both of us have been riding since early childhood (they say people from my subculture are born with a saddle between their legs, so it’s not dangerous for us at all). No, he was actually afraid because I wanted to ride out with A FRIEND and she might have coronavirus. Actually very unlikely, she is a SAHM like me, her husband currently works from home like mine, they have all their food delivered.
I even promised him not to set a foot into her house (because they say indoors you are more likely to be infected than outdoors).

@Ronin Its pretty difficult for me not to notice because it bleeds... but I see he is having a difficult time. I understand I must be very nice now.

@Friday We have the home gym but many of his possibilities to work out are gone now, cannot go to the martial arts center any more, fencing club not open, indoor climbing walls closed (again: does this word make sense in English?). He goes jogging but currently only when it is pitch dark because he is afraid of meeting other people.

@Suvivor3: He actually has friends and under normal conditions he likes to ride out with them... but now he is afraid - but yes, I think you are still right - he is pissed off he is not riding out with his friends but sitting at home being afraid.

 

[Survivor3]

Oops, sorry you got me wrong. He is not afraid because I want to go riding. He rides too and both of us have been riding since early childhood (they say people from my subculture are born with a saddle between their legs, so it’s not dangerous for us at all). No, he was actually afraid because I wanted to ride out with A FRIEND and she might have coronavirus. Actually very unlikely, she is a SAHM like me, her husband currently works from home like mine, they have all their food delivered.
I even promised him not to set a foot into her house (because they say indoors you are more likely to be infected than outdoors).

@Ronin Its pretty difficult for me not to notice because it bleeds... but I see he is having a difficult time. I understand I must be very nice now.

@Friday We have the home gym but many of his possibilities to work out are gone now, cannot go to the martial arts center any more, fencing club not open, indoor climbing walls closed (again: does this word make sense in English?). He goes jogging but currently only when it is pitch dark because he is afraid of meeting other people.

@Suvivor3: He actually has friends and under normal conditions he likes to ride out with them... but now he is afraid - but yes, I think you are still right - he is pissed off he is not riding out with his friends but sitting at home being afraid.

what is a SAHM?

 

[Never_falter2]

SAHM is a stay at home mum. Small chance to get infected.

 

[OrangeJulius]

what is a SAHM?

Stay at home mom