FauxLiz
Sponsor
I am struggling right now. Which all things considered is unusual as I am usually coming out of my worst struggles by this point in the year. I am questioning whether it is prudent to continue therapy when I can recognize a singular issue that can't be resolved. My T and I have done really good work in the last three years but this past year has been particularly difficult with the pandemic challenges and having to rely on virtual sessions. I have been considering a lot of changes in my life a big one includes considering a tattoo something that until 6 months ago I had always said I would never do. I haven't done it yet and at first, I had thought I was considering it as a way to stay connected to someone I had started seeing in 2019 that ghosted me under the guise of "pandemic restrictions" (I got that seeing each other was risky but he all of a sudden was too busy to talk on the phone or text either unless he needed something). But last week was a mess and on Friday I reached out to my T to see if he had time for an urgent session, he fit me in for 30 minutes but it wasn't enough. I spent the weekend in bed went to work and lost my cool over an issue with a member of my board of directors and started just venting in the office this morning, not to the board member just about the situation because honestly, I was just feeling like I am at the end of my rope lately. One thing that crossed my mind was that I may be developing unhealthy transference for my T. My T has quite a few pieces of body art, and I can't remember the last time I saw him in person. I am lonely, alone, don't have anyone other than my T that I can talk to about my issues so now I am wondering if my sudden change in my preference against body art is connected to trying to find a connection/create a lasting unbreakable connection with someone in my life.
And with all that, the transference, the disconnection I am feeling from everyone and everything in my life, the fact that we were supposed to go back to my 5 pm session time at the first of the year and he informed me he had forgotten and booked another client out several months for that slot and with getting ready to return to the office full time soon my current session time of 3 pm would mean I have to take a half-day every week or try and figure out someplace where I can have privacy for an hour at work and stick with virtual until who knows when. But I don't have it in me to start with someone new and right now we are not even treading water. I feel as though I am loosing my trust in him and can't figure out a way to rebuild it if we only see each other virtually.
And with all that, the transference, the disconnection I am feeling from everyone and everything in my life, the fact that we were supposed to go back to my 5 pm session time at the first of the year and he informed me he had forgotten and booked another client out several months for that slot and with getting ready to return to the office full time soon my current session time of 3 pm would mean I have to take a half-day every week or try and figure out someplace where I can have privacy for an hour at work and stick with virtual until who knows when. But I don't have it in me to start with someone new and right now we are not even treading water. I feel as though I am loosing my trust in him and can't figure out a way to rebuild it if we only see each other virtually.