Sufferer How Do I Save This Mess I Created?

[Cufflinks]

Well, nothing I can say or do has helped. Over the past 2 months I've started therapy with the local Mental Health team, had help from the Veterans Agency, been visited by Combat Stress who I will be starting treatment with next month and been diagnosed. I've been through divorce mediation and given most of what I have to my wife and she leaves in 2 weeks with the kids. I've even managed to remain friends with her (I think).

I have no idea what the future holds for me now and am quite frightened to be honest. I still don't want this but she's adamant.

 

[Abstract]

Sorry Cufflinks. I can hear this is devastating for you. Sadly when people get to a certain point it is not easy to turn them around. I have to say I am not surprised that she is still going forward with her plans.

I think the best you can do is to focus on your healing and live your new approach to life. If she is able to see the changes as they happen then she will but mostly you need to heal for you. And for your children as doing that sets a very good example.

I am sorry this is so painful.

 

[dms]

I'm sorry too Cufflinks.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry you are going through this experience. But you are very strong and have been working very hard on yourself. Hang in there and do not give up.

 

[myvetswife]

I'm sorry to hear that. But... at least then you get the treatment for you. Not for her or the kids. Only for yourself. And that is the most important thing!

If she is willing to get together again if she sees it is serius like I did is another thing. In theory it is good, that she leaves and let you get on with this. This might sound nasty and you don't want to hear that but thats how I see it, and I was at that point with my combat vet myself.

 

[Whitneys story]

Cufflink you have given and tried very hard. It is time to think of yourself and healing.

Save the what if's for later. Go for what you know now. It is never easy but someone is always around the forum. Please be kind to yourself. You are a good person.

Hugs, Whitney

 

[Cufflinks]

Thank you for all your kind words and support.

The saddest thing is that she's taken a man who worshiped the ground she walked on, who loved her without reservation, who supported her in anything she wanted to do, who has been a full hands-on Dad and tried to put her first even whilst suffering from this and destroyed it. She was my best friend and now I hardly recognize her.

I have done more than my fair share of the work in this marriage without (much) complaint. I have begged and pleaded with her not to do this. I know that the grass is not greener after divorce. Unfortunately, I couldn't get her to see that. I have now moved on and am actually looking forward my future.

I find it hard to forgive the fact that she's doing this for herself. The kids have been in bits. They don't want to leave their friends, their school or their home.

I really do wonder whether it's just me that's suffering PTSD. I have suggested that she also seek help but been met with a flat refusal.

 

[myvetswife]

The saddest thing is that she's taken a man who worshiped the ground she walked on, who loved her without reservation, who supported her in anything she wanted to do, who has been a full hands-on Dad and tried to put her first even whilst suffering from this and destroyed it. She was my best friend and now I hardly recognize her

Cufflinks! My husband was like that. But I could not stand what PTSD done in the times between all that. Going through all the episodes. It was too much!

I find it hard to forgive the fact that she's doing this for herself.

You know what? You got a damm strong wife there! Why shouldn't she do it for herself? Give me one reason why she should not act like that. Don't get me wrong, I can see your side.

I really do wonder whether it's just me that's suffering PTSD. I have suggested that she also seek help but been met with a flat refusal.

She might suffer from PTSD. As long as she does not admitt we will not get treatment. How long did it take for you to admit there is a problem? It sometimes takes time. Sometimes I think "ahh, was not so bad what I went through, I don't need that". I'm not at a point to take more help then I have in the moment. It takes time and strength

 

[Cufflinks]

You know what? You got a damm strong wife there! Why shouldn't she do it for herself? Give me one reason why she should not act like that. Don't get me wrong, I can see your side.

You sound angry with me. I'm sorry if I've caused any offense. They might not make sense but they are the worries and thoughts from my perspective. Don't get me wrong, I understand why she wants the divorce and do not blame her at all. However the reasons below help explain some of the background issues which are being swept away in the process.

1. We have 3 young children who have been heartbroken at her wanting to take them away from their friends and their school and move up north. They have been met with an answer of "well, that's what's going to happen". They obviously don't want the divorce but that's another issue. I feel this is too much change on top of a divorce for the children to cope with all in one go.

2. She has a history of running away when depressed or under stress. This is partly/mainly due to me but 90% of our time together was good. We might not be rich but things have been improving rather than getting worse. This has all been ignored.

3. She has a history of paranoia and other issues which stems from some extremely harrowing experiences in her late teens which her family don't know about.

4. Those experiences need help. She won't get it. They affect how she acts when stressed/depressed. Gang rape, sexual abuse and manipulation are difficult to deal with as I'm sure some here would appreciate. I've tried to deal with the effects of that but my PTSD has got in the way of being able to help and cope with those "idiosyncracies". [I'm not trying to say anything nasty here, I just don't know how to explain it briefly]

5. 2 days before she announced the divorce we were planning all sorts of things for the future. This indicates to me that it's not just a gradual process but a reaction. It might make sense in the overall picture of things but...

6. I was not getting help at that point. I'm now getting help via local Mental Health team and Combat Stress. This is what I should have done a long time ago but at least I'm doing it now.

7. I meant every word of my marriage vows. I've stuck to them.

8. I can't help being ill. It's not my fault. Being under constant air-attack for several months whilst ships around you are being sunk in waters where the survival time is less that 4 minutes tends to leave issues. It left a lot of friends dead, sometimes as many as 20 in a day. I'm dealing with this now.

9. We were best friends before we were even together. Despite all of this we are still friends.

10. Despite all of this I still love my wife.

 

[Cufflinks]

Save the what if's for later.

Thanks Whitney, I think it will be the "if only's" rather that the "what if's".

 

[myvetswife]

Cufflinks, I didn't mean to offend you! Sorry if I did. Knowing some of the background everything seems to be in a different light!

I can't help being ill. It's not my fault. Being under constant air-attack for several months whilst ships around you are being sunk in waters where the survival time is less that 4 minutes tends to leave issues. It left a lot of friends dead, sometimes as many as 20 in a day. I'm dealing with this now

No you can't help beeing ill. I look up to every soldier who fought a war. My husband himself deals with combat PTSD and I'm very pro military. I really look up to the work you have done and I', sorry what you went through.

Is there any chance the kids can stay with you? I don't know the law in England but maybe combat stress workers can help you?

 

[Cufflinks]

Cufflinks, I didn't mean to offend you! Sorry if I did. Knowing some of the background everything seems to be in a different light!

I'm not offended. I'm still in bits about this.

The background certainly helps put a bit of perspective on things. In some respects I will drop a lot of stress, heartache and walking on eggshells myself by this divorce but I've taken my responsibilities seriously and would like to continue to do so. Getting help was the biggest hurdle for me. It's a hard thing for a bloke to admit. Especially when you're ex-forces.

Is there any chance the kids can stay with you? I don't know the law in England but maybe combat stress workers can help you?

My kids are 10, 8 and 3. The 8 year old also has special needs issues and has also been a cause of a lot of worry and stress over the years. I've done a lot of the child care over the years and have been very hands on. This has decreased over the past couple of years as the PTSD snowballed.

It wouldn't be fair to fight custody. I suggested that they could live with me and I thought my wife was going to have a seizure. She went seriously nuts. Aggression and anger would not even come close.