Sufferer How Do I Save This Mess I Created?

[Cufflinks]

Thanks for the support. It really helps.

Contacting the kids is still a bit up and down and I'd love advice.

My (ex) wife doesn't want me to ring every day. Neither does she want them to have a set timetable in case the kids start feeling that it's a chore. I've been speaking with them every couple of days so far. Sometimes they ring me. Sometimes I ring them. I've told them that they can ring me whenever they like. I also exchange emails with my eldest and send him jokes and things like that.

For the sake of the children I do hope their Grandmother has eyes and ears open.

I actually spoke to her at Christmas and said that I felt that Rachael was very stressed. I was told that she wasn't stressed at all but seemed very calm!

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((Cufflinks)))))))))).

I am glad you have open communication with them. Your ex is quite the controller! There is no way a child will adjust under the best of circumstances to such a huge transition.

I hate to add extra work for you but I would suggest starting a seperate notebook. I used a calendar as well noting moods of the day of the children. Comments they make etc.!

It is beneficial for you to not be stacking issues that the ex is creating. Also gives a record of patterns the children are experiencing. When I started mine I had no idea it would end up being used as evidence. My ex was the one that if he could not have me, neither could anyone else. The court ended up ordering an evaluation of him due to his vengeful actions.

No matter what issues your wife has from past, this is now and the choice his hers to seek professional help. You are not her scapegoat. Your children are not pawns in a game.

Unlikely that she would agree, if there is any opportunity to have a group session with the children? It is so important they know that they are not responsible for the separation.

JMHO. Oh please tell me I read that wrong, "She does not want it to be a chore"! Please, not for one minute allow that thought to sink in. She is a very skilled manipulator.

I am so sorry for the true colors she will present. Keep being strong, keep her out of your head! Hugs Whitney

 

[Cufflinks]

Your ex is quite the controller!

And her leaving has relieved me of so much stress.

It is so important they know that they are not responsible for the separation.

They know.

They also know that it was her decision. I think they'll end up hating her for it.

All I can do is offer a place that we can have fun in with less rules and more spontaneity.

JMHO. Oh please tell me I read that wrong, "She does not want it to be a chore"! Please, not for one minute allow that thought to sink in. She is a very skilled manipulator.

No you didn't read it wrong. Those were her exact words.

It's early days at the moment. I appreciate that the kids have to adjust and that it will take time. The boys and I will sort things out and then she'll just have to fit in with it. I have them for the first time next weekend.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Cufflinks,

I am so glad you are managing so well and under the circumstances. You have had a roller coaster ride.

A few people seem to be responding in a way that implies that your ex is not really a stable mother and that she is attempting to turn your children against you.

Do you feel these are both the case? I wonder if it would help to discuss in what ways these are true as it may clarify things for you.

What does your therapist think about the limits and arrangements that your ex has suggested in regard to your contact with the children?

I think two people in relationships that are both wounded is a very complex issue and so can very much understand why it feels more peaceful for you now!

Take care.

 

[Cufflinks]

Hi Cufflinks,
A few people seem to be responding in a way that implies that your ex is not really a stable mother and that she is attempting to turn your children against you.

I must admit, I hadn't picked up on that. I don't think she's trying to turn the kids against me but I would have to say that she's not stable.

She is a good mother though. I wouldn't take that away from her.

Whether she's the most suitable parent at the moment....mmmm errrr.

I think she's terrified that I'll challenge for custody.
I did mention it once and she totally lost the plot. It was like something out of the Exorcist! I did it again out of spite to see what would happen and it happened again!

The odds are totally stacked against me as a bloke so I would have to be in a very strong position to do anything like that. I'm not in that position that right now.
I'd rather let things settle down, continue my treatment and get a clean bill of health and see how the kids feel.

I wonder if it would help to discuss in what ways these are true as it may clarify things for you.

The degree of control comments definitely help. I'm one of life's givers and loved my wife completely. Others pick up on things that I just consider normal which in fact are far from it. That really, really helps.

What does your therapist think about the limits and arrangements that your ex has suggested in regard to your contact with the children?

I haven't asked. I will next week. She's extremely pleased that I'm feeling connected with the kids again and said I should be proud of the progress I've made.

 

[Abstract]

I remember you saying that you close people out when you are distressed Cufflinks so really you show many signs of significant progress that it is wonderful to see! :) So glad you feel so connected to them.

 

[Cufflinks]

Advice needed again.

I have been to see houses today for when this house is sold.

I spoke to my wife who wanted to know how much, how big etc. I was vague with my answers as it's not really her business any more. All my financial details are disclosed but this is now my future. She became quite aggressive at my vagueness. She kept saying that I either couldn't afford it or that my choices were wrong. Am I right not to want to share this and what are her reactions all about?

 

[Whitneys story]

Cufflinks, Your choice for residence should be based on your needs and those of the children. Your financial situation is no longer her privilege especially when you are giving her 80%.

I personally understand your not wanting to share your intentions. This move for you should be a positive action. Your space! To feel at home with yourself and the children.

A true friend wants the best for all parties, even when it means growing apart. Both of you will always be their parents. A common respect between the parents in the best interest of the children, is necessary. Even if you do not like the other person.

Her reactions are founded from the fact that she has no control over the situation. This is new to her. This is what she asked for.

Statistically, about 10% of couples who separate with children are able to respect each other early on. The children suffer from the parental negative action and comments. Most are not even aware they are doing it.

I personally as an advocate with domestic situations have seen the patterns and controlling behavior. Both male and female! Only you can determine your choice of action.

You have always stood up for her. Her actions since you began posting are a pattern. You have given her the benefit in her defense. If you were making up her actions it would be obvious. I'm sorry I do not believe in candy coating.

I really hope she will open the door to group counseling. It can save a lot of pain. She is on the defensive rather than seeing what will benefit the family. Reacting not acting!

How exciting to look forward to next weekend! Try and make it comfortable for them. I know you want to bring something special, but save the circus tent for later. You are the something special. Have a great week. :hug: Whitney

 

[Cufflinks]

Her reactions are founded from the fact that she has no control over the situation. This is new to her. This is what she asked for.

I did point out that I was just making the best out of the situation she's put me in. Unfortunately, my anger management blew a fuse and although I didn't get angry I did tell her that I was more than happy for the divorce to go ahead now. She jumped on the "happy" and said that she was glad someone was happy about it!!!. I can't talk to her. It just degrades to this every time.

It's not what I want. Everything gets twisted and that just raises my stress levels.

 

[Cufflinks]

I think she's actually getting worse not better or maybe I am just seeing clearer these days. I'm not sure

She's no longer coming to Combat Stress tomorrow. That's a shame because she had always said that she would. She's been itching to get out of it for a week now but I told her it had to be her decision. It was important but can't be helped.

The kids next week will get some rough and tumble, tickle fights, roller skating, bike riding, swimming and a big Sunday lunch at friends who treat them like their own grand children. Friends who invited us so I didn't have to waste time cooking!!

 

[safenow]

You have no control over her actions, so try to just back away.

I know you will enjoy next week.

 

[myvetswife]

She is angry she doesn't got control over you and your life anymore. But it is your choice which house you get where.

She's no longer coming to Combat Stress tomorrow.

That sounds that she is very childish. She did not hit the bottom hard enough otherwise she would take the help offered.

Enjoy the time with your kids!